Today, out of all days that I was willing to stay more than what I was scheduled, they told me to leave early. Of course I love the days that we aren't busy because Nathan usually lets me help him in the kitchen. Make orders ahead of schedule and taking the time for quality. Details were important to him and he trusted me with the end product.
Today I wasn't allowed to go into the kitchen, Nathan wasn't there. So this time I didn't complain, instead I left and walked to my apartment. Middle of the day, no one is really out here either. It's the first time in this city I felt that we were a quiet town. Familiar faces? Not in the slightest, although the busy bodies that usually occupied the streets were clear. My mind had given into filling them with memories around every corner and I see people who used to fill my life in front of me. Walking past with the girl I used to be talking with smiles and laughs. Planning her day with excitement, never a dull moment.
I look down almost tripping on raised crack on the concrete and find young love, innocent and naive for sure. There she was with her arm around his back walking side to side. Barely able to walk straight after getting out of the bar, having only what he said she would love.
The next block would continue until the two lovers would stop for a short goodbye and a longing kiss. I walk up the stairs into the lobby waving to Patrick, the older security guard who likes to talk to me about his daughter. She always visits him every two weeks and they have there little outings to spend cherished time with each other.
"Alice! It's still morning, you didn't quit yet did you?" He laughs.
"No, that isn't the case today I'm afraid. They just were over staffed and let me go early." I say.
"Oh alright then." He chuckles rubbing his hand onto his chin. "Well, Gail isn't coming this week again so I guess we will have to rearrange those tickets for the next showing."
Oh right, we were supposed to see a play with his granddaughter, Gail, this week. I offered because he has always has an off relationship with her. She's not really good with communicating to Pat, she's very independent and always has other plans. Not for family outings or anything that involves her parents either.
"Well, we can always find something else she might like. Hopefully, it wasn't the play that drove her off." I tell him.
"Thank you for helping me out. I have an extra pastry here if you want one?" He asks. "Eclair?"
"My favorite, that's very nice of you." He hands me a napkin with the pastry. I tell him to not worry, and I go towards the elevator.
Yellow tape crossed in front of the metal doors. Groaning, I walk to the right side of the elevator which had a lovely 5 floors of stairs awaiting me.
"Yeah, maintenance told the building they can't fix it until after the holidays. I'd say do your grocery shopping in moderation." I look to Pat who was giving me a sympathetic eye, I nod to be understanding. He really does not have any control about what goes on if anything breaks down. One time the person who lived above me at the time had a pipe break and she was out of town for three days. Water was dripping down from my ceiling, so I called maintenance. They came down and didn't fix it until a month after she was back.
She was not happy about that but still moved out a year later because of the contract agreement you sign when you move in. I plan to be out of here by February which is in four months. It felt longer.
Walking up the stairs made me feel in the depressed state because I couldn't stop thinking. Thinking about where my life was at the moment and how disappointed I was with myself. When could I start living again?
I don't have many friends to begin with and at work I just have Nathan who I could rarely call a friend but rather a close acquaintance.
I lost everyone, they left me because he left me.
Each step I take is weighing me down, my mind is spiraling out of control I feel out of breath. I grab the hand railing and continue the next flight of stairs out of what seemed never ending.
I finally reach my door and see that there are notices at all the doors about the elevator. I roll my eyes after being out of breath and throw it into the hallway bin. Stepping into my apartment and I felt agitated. Seeing the mess I've made not wanting to clean it up, it'll drive me crazy if I don't though. I'll feel much better if I clean it up and then I can finally relax.
But it's always something isn't it? I always felt a heavy weight doing anything my eyes grabbed onto. It's not about the mess, it's about how my life is a mess. Walking through the street towards my apartment and the memories that were once mine were no longer relevant. The fact that I'm stuck in a rut and have no one in my life to talk to. Not even to laugh again with someone new. I felt like I couldn't breath, I can't do this anymore. Who am I living for if not to be myself? Who am I and what do I have to offer?
It's always the same questions I asked myself and they always ended in painful steps towards the roof. I leave my apartment door open and rush to the roof because I know if I thought about it too hard I wouldn't do it. And if I didn't do it the next day it would repeat the cycle and this is how I break it.
I always ended up in tears when I reach the top because when I open the door I could hear the city. I guess it's the one last chance knowing that so many people are out doing their own laws the in the world. Their own personal stories are continuing to happen while mine will end here. On the roof of a building where others have their own lives and daily routines, children to love. People who love them and have a bountiful life set before them.
All my last thoughts were how I wish I could live a life again. Have people around me for just five minutes. But no matter what I do they always leave, and I'm left alone with my thoughts. I've tried many times, but I could never do it because in the end I'm afraid.
Which is why I shouldn't be afraid of doing something I think about all day. My feet drag me towards the ledge not looking down but my eyes were trying to find something along the horizon so that my last image would give me peace. Which is all I ever wanted, I needed peace within myself.
Breathing in and out I close my eyes and spread my arms. My ears reached out to try to find any commotion down below and all was silent. The whole city was quiet for once and then the next thing I heard was something screeching. It was like a plane was falling from the sky, no something bigger than that. Maybe something close to me?
I open my eyes and look up and around to find there was nothing. I couldn't see anything out of the ordinary.
"LOOK OUT" A voice boomed from behind me.
I could not turn around right away because in that moment I slipped. My foot lost its place and now falling backwards reaching out to place where I once was ready for death.
And all I could think now was that my only wish was about to come true.
