Who Knows

Tornado Warning

After Tony and I got back together things were always on edge. We were fighting almost every single day over the smallest things and our relationship was hardly even a relationship anymore. Nothing was equal and that was the biggest issue. In March of 2016 I went to a concert with my friend. Tony was really apprehensive about it for some reason so he texted me all night and had an emotional breakdown and kept saying he was going to kill himself. Please for a moment, put yourself in my shoes. I'm listening to my favorite band and I have my boyfriend telling me he's going to kill himself because I'm gone for a few hours at a concert where I can't really respond that much. I didn't let it ruin my time but it's still a tainted memory because of Tony. The threats to kill himself just increased even more. One night I was going out to the tea bar for "goth night" with my best friend, we had these plans for weeks and were so excited to go. Tony knew exactly where I was going and I refused to let him control me and that upset him because suddenly he had a complete breakdown again and threatened to kill himself. He kept telling me he was going to throw himself into traffic if I didn't stay home and comfort him. Please for the love everything good, how was I supposed to react? I knew very well he wouldn't kill himself but he kept spewing venom at me and saying I was an awful girlfriend for still going out with my friend. But I knew he was only saying this to get me to stay home. I left with my friend and literally as soon as we arrive to the tea bar, my mom calls and tells me to come home because Tony is at my house. My friend and I were so angry and disappointed. So for the night I sat with him on my bed just laying there, no talking. He just didn't want me to go out. Some people might think I was insensitive for not staying home with my boyfriend who was "on the verge of suicide" but he did this every single time I wasn't home. There were a few times I had horrible anxiety and I needed him to come over and comfort me and he refused to and said I was guilt tripping him. HE WAS GOING TO COMMIT SUICIDE IF I DID NOT COME HOME. Nobody ever saw it from my perspective and all of his friends think I was some god awful monster but he did it right back. I understand that a person can't control their mental health and your partner can actually be suicidal but you never ever hold it over your partner's head. You can talk about it, tell them your feelings but do not use it as some sick ultimatum. Through this time we took multiple "breaks" and they never worked. I knew I needed to leave him, okay? I knew. But somehow I was tied so tightly to someone who did nothing but hurt me. The last few months of Tony had taken the worst turn and I really began to lose myself more than I ever had before. We broke up. Again. This time I swore to everyone it was really over. I was moving on for good and god I wish it were true. Over and over again I allowed myself to be treated with such disrespect and it's still taking me time not to be mad at myself. There are some days I'm just angry, I don't understand why I let it happen. I did not love him anymore and he certainly wasn't the person I met that summer. This break up was messy and Tony told me he wanted to be with other people, but still be with me, which would technically be polyamory but I wasn't comfortable at all with it. There's people who it works great for but that's not my thing and please never let anyone tell you that you're a jealous or selfish person because you're not personally comfortable with poly or open relationships. It is okay to want a monogamous relationship. I was willing to end everything with Tony so he could discover himself but he kept me tied to him because he didn't want to let me go and it was just a sick and viscous cycle. A few weeks past and I just wanted one last day with Tony, to have official closure and we couldn't do it. So for another month or so we had a weird in between relationship until he met someone else and destroyed me the worst I've ever been destroyed in the process.

*editor's note* I'm so lame for even getting excited over 8 reads on my story but I didn't even think one person would care to read. I just hope people are actually interested!! Xoxo