My Pill Journal

Sunday, February 26, 2017

This is a journal about my everyday life. I wasn't ever planning on doing one of these, but last Thursday, my counselor asked me to. I recently started taking depression medicine and my counselor wants me to journal everything to see if the medicine is working. So here I am.

I'm going to keep my name private along with the people I write about. I'll use nicknames instead. We'll just say my name is Camber. My name starts with a C, so that will do. I'm 16 years old and my birthday is in October. I was born in 2000. I have divorced parents and 6 siblings.. Well technically 5, but we kind of adopted my brother's friend Holden(not his real name of course).

I go to a large school in Missouri with 2,000 students. I'm a sophomore. Well what else?? There's so much about me you'll just have to learn along the way as you read on.

Yesterday I stayed at my aunt Destiny's house all day with her husband Kyle and my cousin Alec. He's 3. Destiny is currently pregnant with their baby girl, Isabella(Bella). She's due in 3 weeks and I've never been so impatient. I stayed there all day and we went to Babies R Us to get a car seat and stroller. They were super stoked that they got both those items and a couple other things for like $270-something. I was happy for them. Alec was driving me crazy in the store. I watched him so Destiny and Kyle could talk to workers to find the perfect car seat. He kept wanting to playing with all the toys. They picked an odd shaped car seat, but it was safe.

After Babies R Us, we went back to Destiny and Kyle's house to get ready for guests. Destiny's employees decided to have a painting party at Destiny's house. About 12 people showed up. I played with Alec upstairs in his toy room. I went into Bella's nursery a couple times because it's just so cute. It's elephant and tiger theme. It's very pink and girly. I can't wait to spoil my cousin. Honestly, if I ever have kids, I feel like I'll hold them all the time. I'll probably never let anyone else hold my kids. I already hog other people's babies. Like my cousins Kelly. She's about 9-10 months old. At parties, I follow her around and when I hold her, my cousin Mollie who is Kelly's mom kept asking if I wanted her to take Kelly. Ummm, no!!! I love babies!! I'd even keep her if I could!! I get really bad baby fever even though I'm 16. I want a baby without the process of sex. I'm a virgin by the way. I've also never done drugs. Most I've done was drink a tiny sip of alcohol at a friend's Halloween party back in 2015.

So, at the end of the party Alec was driving me crazy. He kept calling me mama lion and repeating himself about how he's the baby lion. Then, when people were about to leave, he changed into his spider man pajamas that had wings. So, I picked him up so he felt like he was flying. My arms started to get tired and I told him I needed a break and he started to cry like a baby. It made me so mad. To save me from him making a scene, I did it again. Then, I told him if he ran fast enough, he might fly. So he ran in circles around the house for like 30 minutes. We finally went to bed around 11:30 and I was crabby and exhausted. Alec wears me out.

Today I woke up at 6 AM because I am on my period and I thought my tampon was full. It was, but not too bad. (Sorry for tmi). I fell back asleep and woke up at 8:50ish to Alec poking my eyelids. It's kind of annoying, but I needed to wake up anyways for church. I ate poptarts and took a shower and took my medicine and vitamins. The vitamins are suppose to give my energy because I'm tired all the time. The medicine also makes me drowsy. Does that mix well? Idk. But I still feel tired.

We went to church and I talked to my old small group leader Jessie from my old church. I haven't talked to her since I was like 13. It wasn't an awkward conversation either. I usually talk slow and I'm super awkward but I think the medicine helped me. I was talking faster and I was good at making conversation. But at the same time, I was awkward around my uncle Kyle. I can never make up conversation with him. I always feel like he's judging me. I'm probably over thinking. After church we went to Lions Choice. I got a turkey sandwich with fries, sweet tea, and ice cream. I was so stuffed. I still am. After we ate, we went to my aunt and uncle's house. I played with Alec for 30 minutes until his nap time. He's kind of a struggle because he stalls so much. But we eventually got him to settle down. Then, Destiny took me home. She payed me $40. Which was an overpay. I charge $5 per hour. She never pays me under $35. My uncle Kyle always tells me how much it means that I help them out. Usually my 11 year old sister Aven comes with me to help babysit but she hasn't recently. Idk why. She's kind of a brat sometimes. But I like when she's there so it's not so awkward. She went to dad's instead.

I don't like going to dad's, because he doesn't have wifi so I can't do my snapchat streaks. My highest is 156 days. Also, my dad is kind of mean and an alcoholic. I don't like him that much. He lives with my grandpa which is where I attempted suicide. It's always hard to go there because it's a reminder. It gives me flashbacks and makes me upset all over again. My counselor told my mom that she should tell my dad not to make me go there for the sake of my mental stability. He's a jerk so he'll probably tell me to get over it. Or just say that I was fine all the other times I went before, but deep down I wasn't. We mostly stay at Grandma's when I go to dad's. Grandpa gets crabby a lot too. Like when we take showers, he has a dog. It makes everything miserable so grandma tells me to sneak showers. I usually go to my friend Maura's house on dad's weekends, so I don't have to go to his house. This weekend, I was fortunate that my aunt asked me to babysit.

Now, I'm sitting on the floor in my room. Mom and my brother Brady are the only ones here. Brady is 17. He's playing video games. I have yet to do my homework. I'll probably ask my friends for answers like always. But bye for now. I'll write more tomorrow. XOXO -Cam