gravity

the horse stables

When I reached my bedroom I pulled a towel from my bathroom and wrapped it around my hair. I couldn't stop thinking about it, about him. The way his lips felt on mine. 

I stopped at my mirror and peered at my reflection. I didn't look any different, other than my lips just a little swollen, I didn't feel any different. 

I grew embarrassed with myself and looked away. He was my first kiss. I exhale loudly and turn away to embarrassed to look at myself anymore. I act so powerful, so controlling but in reality I know nothing. 

I don't bother to finish drying my hair. Instead I fall onto my bed and take my white duvet over my head, wanting nothing more than to be invisible. 

. . . 

I wake to the bright sun and pull the duvet further over my head. A warm breeze escaped into my room and I noticed that I never closed my balcony doors last night. 

I was just going to let it go, but I heard the crunch of gravel under a coming car. I decided to get up because if it was one of Dad's wine buyers they were bound to be loud. 

I take my white silk robe just in case and pull my arms through the holes until it drapes onto my shoulders. I take the two door handles and start to push them closed when I notice the familiar car. 

Was that an Aston Martin? I lean froward a little before I hear the patio door close below me. Niall walks off the patio and starts his walk to the barn. He places a baseball hat over his head, his tan work boots untied on his feet. I bit down onto my bottom lip at the thoughts and pushed myself away. 

I went back to my bed and stared up at the ceiling. Thoughts from last night flooded back and I couldn't sleep anymore. I got out of bed the second time and went to my bathroom. Maybe the warm water will wash away memories. 

After my shower, I pull my jean shorts over my legs and place a tank top over my head. I had good curves and a decent size breast size but I usually never wore a bra because I always ended up sweaty so therefore I didn't think about putting one on. 

I walk through the house to hear my father on a phone so I continue through the kitchen. I grab an apple and take a bite as I walk out onto the patio and take the path down to the barn. 

Niall is nowhere to be seen when I get to the hay covered floor. I go to the tacking room and still do not find him. I head over to Gypsy and start to pet her as I bale of hay falls from the roof. I jump at first before seeing Niall climbing down the ladder on the wall. He pulls the hay apart and with a handful of the golden strands he looks up at me.

"Oh," he starts before hand feeding Clove, my Dad's horse. "I haven't bathed Gypsy yet if you want to ride her."

That's not all why I'm here.

"We need to talk," I say instead.

"I thought you would want to do that," he says without looking at me. 

"About yesterday, in the rain," I say it almost as a whisper. "I hope you--."

"It was nothing," he interrupted me, finally making eye contact. "It meant nothing, if anything I should apologize."

I wasn't expecting him to say that. He has so much pride and he was lowering the high level of pride he had left. 

"I just didn't want you to think that we could have something like that."

"What?" He leans against the wood of the barn, by the ladder, crossing his arms. "Have a relationship?"

"Yes," I answer him bluntly. "You should have someone more...more controlled and not so un...unexperienced." 

"Controlled and unexperienced?" A smirk plays on his lips. "You're controlled enough and I already know you're unexperienced. It radiated off you at dinner two nights ago. A girl like you would try to show off, because you have nothing else to give."

"What?" I almost choked on my own sharp intake of breath. "I have plenty to give." 

"Really? You offer the curves, I'll give you that, but other than that you like a new sheet of paper. Ready to be written on. Frankly I don't give into virgins, they're too much to handle. I don't have the time to teach someone how to fuck."

I bit the inside of my cheek at his dirty words. Was I really that easy to read? 

"I just didn't want to give you the wrong idea," I started to say, trying to push his words to the side. 

"There was no idea even thought of. I just told, I don't have the time for you. Therefore you aren't worth any part of my life." 

Why was he being so heartless? The words stung, and I could feel my tears threaten me. I knew that he would want nothing to do with me. I just didn't think he would say it aloud and to my face. 

"I'll take Gypsy," I say quietly. 

He doesn't argue with me as I saddle her and climb onto her. I leave the barn in run and up on the hill in seconds. 

. . . Niall . . .

I didn't mean anything that I said to her. I had a reason though, and I know who I am. She was too much of a nice girl to be with me. I would do nothing but ruin her and her innocence.

Fuck, her innocence. She even cringed when I used vulgar words.

She knew how to play the game, but didn't know how to make moves when it came to her turn. 

My first thought at dinner was to take advantage her. Destroy her innocence and take it back with me when I went home. After she came so undone in front of me yesterday the thought of her never left me. 

We were so similar but in so many different ways. We both lost something. Even though I think mine is move valuable. She lost a mother, I feel bad for her, but there's a point when to get over your grieving. I've lost my career, well on the brink of losing my career anyway. 

She takes Gypsy up to the hill and disappears from my sight when she becomes hidden by the huge tree. I shrug it off and don't worry about it as I start to wash the other horses. I was here to make money, and get back to Ireland as fast as possible. 

I wasn't here to fall into a stupid relationship, I was here to start a clean slate and be accepted back into the band. To continue to take in my hundred thousands a year and live the life I never wanted to leave.