Ramblings of a drunken monkey

Part 8: You talkin' to me?

As I was thinking through the structure for this book (ok so yes, before this point I hadn't actually had one but I got stuck and needed a guide for the last few chapters), I looked at what we'd covered so far:

• Are you an expert at something and how important is that to the world,

• How a closed mind and lack of imagination can stop you from achieving your expertise,

• What type of person can you be,

• The rules we're expected to follow,

• How to achieve greatness, or just happiness,

• Who are you and who do you want to be,

These got me to the natural next step of 'what stops you'. You could argue that it's a closed mind and lack of imagination that stops you, and to a point you'd be right. But the closed mind only stops you from imagining and believing you can be more and be better; it only stops you from starting the journey if you don't see it as an option. Once you're on the journey the only thing that really stops you or slows you down is you. It was at this point I was shown the scene from Taxi Driver (1976) where Robert De Niro is looking in the mirror and talking to himself; it seemed like an apt image that not only was he addressing himself but he was arguing and fighting with himself. And this is what we all end up doing every day, even when we argue with other people.

There is a great philosophy that the things you love and hate in others are reflections of those things you love and hate about yourself. Have you ever shouted at someone for something and then stopped to wonder why you got so angry about it? Was it a significant trigger, was your response justified for their comment or action? Do you do or think the same thing and dislike yourself for it? Or were you told it was wrong as a child and so you echo those messages from the past? Are we fated to repeat the echoes of our past?

Only if we choose to.

I'm reminded of the quote 'do unto others and you would have done to you.' Although I would reword it with a caution, 'be careful that you don't do harm unto others as was done unto you.' As in, if you were treated in a certain way that you didn't like, or which hurt you then you may inadvertently be doing that to others.

The mind is a powerful tool but a stupid and protective one. Consider: Do you do something that was once done to you and you didn't like? How does it make them feel? How does it make you feel now you see the truth? Do you do something that was taught to you as the way to act but you didn't like or that you've been told is unkind but, hell, that's what XXX said I should do, so it must be ok. You may be doing as you're told but is it still harmful?

I spent a lot of time moving house as a kid, and have spent many years working to heal the effect that had on me and the scars and protective armour it caused me to create. Like how each time I got upset and angry because I missed my friends and didn't want to move, but that anger and frustration was cast aside by my parents as unnecessary and wrong because I had no choice in moving. (If they're reading this then this is how it felt to me, whether true or not at the time this is how I perceived it and grew up living with). It wasn't going to change anything and just made people sad so would I please stop crying. I was still angry and sad but there was no point showing it because no-one could change what had happened. They cared for me but didn't know how to fix it. (it didn't necessarily need fixing, just validating and talking through.)

I had another occasion where I had been verbally attacked by my uni housemate for just being me. She was taught by her culture that my way of acting was rude and antisocial and so she acted on that teaching, without thought or consideration of my side. She made me believe that my choices and feelings were wrong because the social etiquette of her society said so (she was Swedish) and she had a bigger stick and a stronger will than me and so crushed me.

At the time of writing this book I was going through changes to my work, training and future and my wife was been scared and anxious, but at the time I dismissed it as doubt and dislike of my art. She was angry because I wouldn't listen and I dismissed her as wrong because she was angry that she didn't get her way. She then started to live believing that she was always wrong because I had a different opinion and mine was stronger. I never validated her emotion, regardless of whether I agreed with her point of view. Guess what, not only did she stop telling me that she was sad or fearful or angry as a result of my actions but she stopped talking to me at all about my journey. It was only after a session on an emotional therapy course I was attending that I realised I'd been doing to her what was repeatedly done to me.

So I apologised there and then. I didn't say that I have been wrong all this time; I still believe that the actions I had taken to set myself on the path ahead were right. No, instead I apologised for dismissing her feelings on the matter. I understood then that two people can both be right, even from opposing sides because their argument is based on their beliefs and opinions. Whilst we as healers may still discuss opinions of others with our own truths (where it may guide and aid them to healing) we need to remember not to dismiss the feelings that arise when we talk. If they're angry, then acknowledge their anger and talk about what they're angry about.

That was my task to myself, my realisation that in that sense I was the problem. And one that I was victim to so many times. I choose not to echo that element of my past but to start a new call for listening and empathy of others emotions. That's an echo I am happy to repeat. When you make the right call, the future echoes can enlighten those who hear them for generations to come.