Potter,
Do not ever bother me again.
S. Snape
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Dear Professor Snape,
Do you hate me?
Well, that was a stupid question, wasn't it? It's really obvious that you do.
I'm sorry for the last letter. I didn't mean to send it! Hedwig grabbed it from the desk drawer I was keeping it in. She really is a smart bird, but she can be a bit... annoying and reckless, too, at times.
Sorry, sir. I won't let that happen again. I really won't! I'll keep this letter at my side at all times. I'll even put charms on it.
Since I'm not even sending this, I guess I can say pretty much what I want, right? I know it sounds stupid and unbelievable, but I can swear I have this feeling that you understand what I'm going through.
Oh God, Professor! Do you think I'm a liar, too? Bloody Umbridge thinks so! She even thinks I need to be punished for telling people that Voldemort is back. She had me for a detention a few days before, and it was horrifying! She made me use a blood quill, and now I can't write or do things using my right hand correctly. That was the reason why I blotched that headache relief potion the last time. I'm really sorry! My hands just hurts and the wounds burn, Professor! It swells and has this pus all over it. It's so disgusting. She made me write that I should not tell lies. Bloody woman! She knew that I wasn't telling a lie. She knew it! I can see it in the way she looks at us, at the way she looks at me. She's evil and malicious! Can't Dumbledore see that?
Oh, right. Barmy old Headmaster hasn't got a power over the manipulating and power hungry Fudge. Oh bloody good! That's swell. Really swell! The great Dumbledore hasn't got that kind of power. Ha! Beats me.
I hate Dumbledore. I hate his robes, I hate his twinkling, infernal eyes and I hate him! I hate the way he makes me do things for the bloody greater good. What's good in sacrificing people and sacrificing sons and fathers and friends?! It's like he wants people to die.
It's like he wants me to die.
Tell me, Professor? Do I, as the son of your former enemy, deserve all this? Do I deserve to have the life of a fellow schoolmate on my hands? Do I deserve to see a monster, the same monster who has killed so many and has done so much evil, to live and tell me just how much he wants to see me die?
Do you want to see me die, Professor? If so, I am ready to die if it means that Voldemort and Evil will be gone from this world. If it means peace and happiness and love, then I am ready to die. I am more than ready to die for all of this cause. I am ready to die if it means the promise of the Greater Good will come true.
Do you think I want Cedric to die? Good, old Cedric. Cedric always tells me back in the Triwizard Tournament that I am the hope of this world. That all of us is the hope of this world. Cedric has these profound ideals. Crazy, yet profound. Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnegan blames me for his death. Mister Diggory can't even bare to see my face on the Prophet, and I can't stand the looks they give me. Its like I am the reason why all of this has happened. Its like I am the reason why Umbridge is here, the reason why all of them has lost something and someone one way or another.
Maybe it really is my fault.
And it hurts, Professor. It hurts to become me. It hurts to become.
And my friends... They don't and they can't understand why I always withdraw from them since then. How I could I not? They both seem so happy and youthful and I... I am scared. I am scared that they'll judge me. Ron has judged me before. He hated me once, and he can do it again. Ron may be my bestfriend, but that doesn't mean he's got no flaws. He's so thick sometimes.
Now, I don't know how to talk to him. It's like he won't understand because back then, I tried to make him umderstand but he shoved me away.
And Hermione? Hermione may be brilliant, but she will only see this feeling I have as some sort of trauma and depression and she'll use one of her books to make me feel good again. To make me feel like the Harry I once was. She can't see sometimes, that books aren't the answer to everything.
Compared to me, they seem so young.
I see them, and my heart aches. My heart aches with the yearning to be like them. To feel happy and not just pretend to be.
Sometimes, I can't pretend anymore. Sometimes, I believe what I pretend to be. Sometimes, it's easier to believe the lies than face the truth.
But the world isn't meant to be easy. It's not the battle of the good and the bad, the evil and the holy. Because since the beginning of time, it's always been between the easy and the right.
And maybe, someday, the world will choose the right. Just like my parents, just like the others who have sacrificed something in order to attain peace.
Someday, they'll see that the easy isn't always the right thing.
Someday.
Signed,
H. Potter
