Dear Professor Snape,
I am sorry, but I need to really tell you this, even if only in letter form; that I and my friends have agreed that we learn nothing from the Pink Toad. So, since I have produced a Patronus at a young age, Hermione told me that I should be the one teaching. She thinks it would be more than brilliant- her words, not mine! I think it would be a disaster. Although I am more than determined to 'go forth and tally ho' on this cause, I still doubt myself if I could really stand up to the standards and expectations they want from me. It's a bit pressuring on my side, and not to mention it can endanger us. Umbridge can be a nasty little toad when she wants to be.
I don't think I have the capacity to be a leader of any group type. I'm scared of even talking in front of a group of people, and to talk to the others whom I barely knew?! This idea is profound, but I find myself doubting if I could actually do it. The word 'leader' in itself is a huge word, with so much meaning attached to it. I have never imagined to be a part of something that wants change; how could I imagine myself to become the promoter of it?
But, at the end of the meeting, I was still saying yes. I really thought that I had more rationale thought that what I exhibited during that meeting. All my life, I have never wanted to become responsible for something so great, because I have always been like that since time immemorial. I was always expected to do great things for people when all I wanted ever since was to be left alone and live a life that is worth living.
But when I saw their eyes, looking up at me, there was this since of protectiveness that surged through my very being. Every single one of them; Hermione. Ron. Luna. Neville. So much hope sprang in their eyes when they were asking me if I was to become the 'leader'. I guess I just wanted to save people because ever since then, it was what I had wanted to do.
I wanted to save people so bad because I now the feeling of helplessness. I know exactly the feeling of being the one asking for help and no one comes. I have experienced the feeling of hoping and just getting that hope crushed. I know, because I have once been like that.
Ever since I was young, I had hoped that my parents were not dead, that they would one day come back for me. Day after day, year after year, I had wished for my parents. When I was losing hope, I still clung on to what was left and hoped that someone, anyone would come for me and save me. But no one did.
Nobody came. No one came for Me, and it had hurted like hell. It was a blow for my eight year old self, listening to my Aunt and Uncle crush my dreams. Until now, I can even hear their shrills and shrieks, and the slow crumble of whatever hope that was left inside my younger self. It was deafening and a silencing moment that it forced me to open my eyes, Sir. It opened my eyes and I came face to face with reality; no one would come for me.
That was why, perhaps, I had wanted then to not have felt what I felt back then. I am sorry, Professor, but this time, I do not want to play by the rules and be the good little Golden Boy everyone wants me to be.
I will stand up to what I believe and I will live up to what is expected of me. I shall save them, because back then, I have failed to save myself.
And I will save you, Professor. I saw the weariness in your eyes these past few days. I shall work and work to save each and everyone, especially you. Many people might question my judgment regarding that, but trust me, Sir; I know what I am doing. I know what I must do.
I must save you.
I remembered something; didn't my father bully you? Not to be apprehensive or offensive or intrusive, Professor, but, I couldn't help but wonder.
I am wondering now whether my father was one of the reasons why you found it enticing to take a Dark Mark. If so...
God! Damn it all! Is he the reason why? Is my own father the reason why you took the Dark Mark? Oh by Merlin, Professor!
Oh God.
I am so, so, sorry. Oh my God. I am so sorry. (The ink on this part was blotted and can't be read, except for the word "Sorry")
I can truly understand now. I understand now why you hate me so much. I forgive you, Professor, but I cannot believe how much of a toerag my own father was before now. I did not truly realize the magnanimity of the effects. Oh God, Professor, if I had only known.
If I had only known.
You hated me. You hated me because I look so much like him. Oh by Merlin, Professor. You are reminded of him in me. I am so sorry.
But why did you still heal me? Why did you still took care of me a few days back?
I am now wondering whether I can still face you after this. Oh God.
H. Potter
