Sentinal's Tear (Book #1 in Requiem Series) [formally titled Lacrimosa]

Chapter 17

Nesy

Morning arrives encased in the memories of my life as Elle. I loved Adam then. Adam who is Aydan. Craved him. It's a life I need to again forget. All of it...

The peace I found only when I was safely nestled in Adam's arms...forget it all.

The security no one but he offered...release that life.

The need I had for his touch...bury it away.

I'd learned to lock away the memories once, transcend the feelings that lingered in my angelic heart.

But that was before.

Now that the memories of that life are unleashed, now that my feelings are awakened, I have to face the bitter truth.

I will always love Aydan.

I stare out of the window of my small bedroom, my human body asleep. The sun rises above the nearby buildings, casting beams of pink and yellow light bouncing off the glass encased skyscrapers. The scene is breathtaking. Calm.

And completely lost on me.

There can be no respite for me, not until Aydan is gone and my emotions purged.

"Hey," Zane says as he walks into the room. "You okay?"

"I guess." I turn from the beautiful view and look at my dearest friend, wondering. How much does he know? "What happened with the Council?"

"We got the 'your-loyalty-is-to-Celestium' speech. No big deal."

"They think I'm going to fail."

"They think you can't separate from your emotions. And they're worried that we'll cover for you."

"And would you? Cover for me?"

"Would I have a reason to?" Zane stares through me, pushing into my thoughts.

I block the uninvited intrusion, not ready for him to know everything yet.

"This looks serious," Cass says. "What am I missing?"

"Nesy's going to ask us to choose between her and the Council."

"I didn't say that. I just asked what you would do if my plans differed from theirs."

"Do they?" Cass asks.

"No. Not really." I turn back to the window. I want to tell them I can't do this. Want them to tell me there's a way out that I won't have to kill the one I still love.

I feel Cass's hand on my shoulder. "You know we'd do anything for you, Nesy. But Aydan is evil. You have to finish this."

"He wasn't always this way." The words pour out before I can stop them. All I can think about is the way he was as Adam—his kindness, his love.

"None of them were."

I turn to my friends, lost in a fantasy I want to be real. "What if he could find his way back to us?" I ask. "Stop being evil?"

"Impossible," Zane says. "It's too late for him."

"Why?" There has to be a way, some path of redemption. I'm not ready to lose him again, no matter what he's done.

"Because he likes killing too much," Zane answers. "He's Azzaziel's right-hand man. There's no redemption for that kind of evil."

My silence betrays my thoughts, confessing everything I won't admit.

"It's him, isn't it?" Cass asks "Adam."

I nod.

"I'm so sorry." Her embrace showers me in pity.

I step away from her. "Don't. I won't have you feeling sorry for me. I'll figure a way out of this and fulfill my duty." I look from Cass to Zane, disgusted by the pained expressions on their faces—reminders of all of the ways I've failed.

"Are you sure you can?" Zane asks, his body tight with anxiety.

"I'm a Sentinal. Trained by Mikayel himself. Of course I can."

Cass furrows her brow. "And you're in love with your target."

"That was a long time ago. I'm not that person anymore. Neither is he. We both left that life—and our love."

"Still, asking you to kill the one you love is more than any one should have to bear, even a Sentinal. Perhaps they should—"

"No, I will not ask for a new team. I don't love that UnHoly. Not anymore. And I don't fail. Not ever."

"Why are you being so stubborn?" Zane's forehead wrinkles. His mouth twitches. "If you're wrong, if you can't handle this, Aydan will kill you. Or worse, Azzaziel will figure out who you are. He'll torture you until you join his ranks. We've all seen it happen before."

"Not with me, you haven't." I clench my jaw, refusing to acknowledge the truth of his words. "Look, I know I can handle this. It's just another assignment like all the others. I'll do my duty, regardless of anything else. I owe Mikayel that much." I feel my emotions subside. Feel my warrior's mask harden. Centuries of training take over and slowly I become everything I've been trained to be:

A cold, heartless, warrior.

"I am not broken. I will do this." I say the words more for myself than my friends.

"This isn't about your being broken, Nes. It's about being smart. A Sentinal would know that, would see when they're outmatched." Zane's voice is barely audible.

"I'm not outmatched," I say through gritted teeth. "Not even close." I look at my physical body still sleeping. "Now, if you two will excuse me, I need to slip into form. I have a demon to vanquish." The lie sticks in my throat.

"Nesy—"

"I'm fine, Cass. But seriously, get out of here and let me get dressed. There's a chance he hasn't figured out who I am. I need to get this finished before he does. Then I can forget all about Aydan. About everything."

Yeah, right. No chance of that.