Sentinal's Tear (Book #1 in Requiem Series) [formally titled Lacrimosa]

Chapter 48

Aydan

Puget Sound, Washington

I climb the short trail behind my apartment, eager to reach the summit and outrun my dreams. My nightmares. They're always the same. A shapeless girl. An endless fight. Hideous creatures. Angels. And demons.

The nightmares torment me every night, as they have for the three months since leaving Celestium. My mind drifts to my last days in that place. I should have died. I wanted to die.

I still do . . .

Mikayel walks with me to the Sentinals' chamber

"Did you kill Azza? Is he gone?"

"No." The sadness in Mikayel's voice is overwhelming.

"And will you kill me now?"

"I cannot."

"You must," I beg. "It's the only way. I won't be able to hold back the monster I am. Not for long. Not without Nesy."

"You aren't a monster."

"You know I am."

The memory clears as I reach the top of the hill. The fog rolls off the Sound. Snow blankets the ground around me. I watch the light waves caress the water. Whales crest the surface.

Why are they here?

The frigid January wind rips through the trees and my cells. I pull my jacket close around me and tighten my scarf. Drawing a deep breath, I look across the Sound. Everything is so different here. Green and open. Nothing like the tangled mass of buildings I called home for so long. The air smells of pine, reminding of things I long to forget.

Germany.

Her.

I've tried to detach, forget. But she won't let me. She visits my dreams and hides in the shadows of every waking moment. Even now, on the crest behind my home, I hear her voice in the wind.

I release another breath and hike back down the hill. My body, this experience, is foreign. I sense nothing but my own skin. Hear nothing but my own thoughts. I feel none of the connection I've shared with the dark creatures. No thoughts of rage or lust. No visions of angels. No ravenous hunger.

Nothing.

The change leaves an empty hole inside that cannot be filled. I feel alone, abandoned. I walk back into the large apartment and stare at the leather journal waiting for me on the table. The soft brown binding and crisp blank pages call to me, unleashing even more memories.

I can't quiet the noise of my own thoughts.

Or my feelings . . .

"You may find being human far worse than being the Beast you fear." Gabriel probes my mind again.

"I doubt that."

"Tell me, are you upset with your judgment? Your sentence?"

"No," I answer. "Just confused. Why can't Mikayel just kill me? Why would you want to make me mortal?"

"We will not kill any creature capable of mercy. Compassion."

"But—"

"And we cannot let you live in our world. Or in the Abyss. If you are with us, Azzaziel will surely find you. He will awaken the Beast and eventually it will consume you. Being mortal seems the best alternative in this situation."

"What if I can't resist the marks?"

"Resisting that part of your nature will take all of your strength, yes. But it is not impossible."

I stare at my feet. Still confused. Still afraid.

"Don't fear who you are, Aydan. Those marks on your neck do not have to define you. You have a lifetime to master your nature. Just remember your true essence."

"And what is that, sir?"

"You must discover that as well."

"And if I can't, what then? If the marks consume me, how am I to resist?"

"I brought this for you. It may help" Gabriel hands a small leather book to me.

"What's it for?"

"Your thoughts. Fears. Anything. Many humans find it a helpful way to remember."

"Remember?"

"Their nature. I will see you at the end of that life, when you again face the Council and await your judgment." Gabriel walks away.

"If I return," I whisper, the weight of the book heavy in my hands.

I stroke the leather binding and place it backon the table unopened. Always unopened.