the sun has faded

the day we met

When Tyler first steps out of the Justice Building, Josh is seated in his usual place amongst District 6's limited pool of victors from previous years. Josh despises being so close to the stage. He does not want to acknowledge a new victor. He does not want to watch this child attempt to apologize to their district for the fact that he is alive while their tributes are dead. Most of all, he does not want to recognize that this boy's pulse and smile and trembling hands all represent his own failure as a mentor. Because Josh's tributes are dead.

Josh spares the boy a brief glance. He is dressed in a crisp white button up under a black jacket. His hair was shaved before the game, Josh remembers watching one of the stylists cut off the perfect fluff as the boy sat petrified in his chair staring at himself.

District 6's mayor makes his typically insincere speech congratulating the boy on his victory. "Congratulations Tyler Joseph. You have surely made your district, as well as the whole of Panem, proud, and we in District 6 are honoured to host you here tonight."

With his hands clasped tightly behind his back Tyler gives a clearly scripted response without once looking up from his feet. It is nothing Josh hasn't already seen on the television as he watched the Victory Tour pass from district to district.

The personal comments to the families of the dead tributes are always so much more difficult to listen to. As Josh thinks back to his own Victory Tour, he knows that they are also excruciatingly difficult to say.

Tyler's face is stricken as he finally looks up from his boots. Josh suspects that under the cleverly applied makeup he is actually sickly pale. "Hanna was a very kind, brave, smart, and beautiful girl." Tyler's voice is deep and slow, but also unsteady. He is looking at Hanna's parents as though he is begging for a forgiveness that he knows he will never receive. "I am so sorry that she's gone. I wish it could have been different...I didn't even know-"

He cuts himself off, clearing his throat and seeming to pull himself back together. Josh knows exactly what he was going to say. He had not known what Hanna was going to do. Neither had Josh. Stupid girl. He should have trained her better.

"And Mark... he was such a good person. And he was so nice to everyone he spoke to. Even during training he just had this way of...making everyone feel better. He reassured us. I'm sorry he's gone. He was a-a- really beautiful human being." Josh hadn't known that about Mark. No one had ever told him that he had been a reassuring presence during training. The boy had been his tribute, his responsibility, and he hadn't really known a thing about him.

Josh applauds the end of the ceremony with numb hands. Tyler looks seconds away from crying. This is the fifth district you've visited on this tour kid. Josh thinks spitefully. This shouldn't still hurt you.

That's a lie of course. It always hurts. Every reaping and every speech and every death and every victor. There is no part of it that every stops hurting.

The dinner that follows is full of food that their district can barely afford to supply. It is wasted on Josh, as his stomach is too unsettled to eat. A little conversation with his fellow District 6 mentors might have been nice, might have calmed him down, but they are all high on morphling. He wishes he could be as well. Surrendering his health and sanity to a mind-numbing drug seems like a pretty stellar plan on most days. With four younger sisters to stick around for however, it has never truly been an option. He couldn't deal with their disappointment if he let them down like that.

"Out of the way loonies," Johanna squishes herself next to him at the table. Josh can barely bring himself to look her in the eye. He is terrified that the pity in his expression will show. The rumours about her family had reached his district several weeks ago. He couldn't even begin to fathom her grief.

"Really J?" She laughs harshly. "Can't even look at me? Trust me, you can't possibly hate me as much as I hate myself."

"I don't hate you-"

"They're dead because of me," she snaps. "I refused to sell my body to the Capitol and now my family is dead."

"I still don't hate you."

"Whatever." Her eyes are welling up and she turns away slightly to try to hide it. "I don't care what you think. I just need you to go and sit with Tyler. He needs company or he gets upset. But I just can't be there right now. I just can't."

He doesn't want to talk to Tyler. Interacting with new victors is never anything but painful. He stands up anyway. Clearly he has no self preservation instincts. He used them all up in a game he won three years ago.

"Uh hi," he awkwardly clears his throat and mumbles a greeting as he approached Tyler's seat.

Tyler jumps about a foot in the air and whips around as though he is expecting to be attacked. In all actuality that is probably exactly what he is expecting. Hunger Games' paranoia is hard to let go of.

"I'm Josh," he continues. Tyler is staring at him with wide, terrified eyes. "I'm, uh, from the 69th Hunger Games. You might recognize me-"

"I'm so sorry about Hanna and Mark," Tyler starts frantically. "You were their mentor right? They were very nice people and I never meant for-"

"Don't apologize," he says shortly. "Stop apologizing. You're never going to get the answer you're looking for."

"Sorry," Tyler mumbles. "I mean-"

"Especially don't apologize to me," he says, feeling suddenly exhausted and empty. "You don't want my forgiveness. I'm no better than you."

Tyler looks a bit lost as to what to say next.

"So you're about halfway through the tour now," Josh says, grasping for a conversation topic. "You excited to be back home?"

Tyler shrugs. "I guess. It's kind of hard to be around my family though. I don't think they really know how to talk to me any more."

Josh does not want to talk about the kid's family. He wants a nice, safe, pleasant topic to converse on before making his escape. "Have you tried the profiteroles? I've heard they're quite good."

Tyler grabs one and tentatively takes a bite. He chews very slowly. Josh suspects Tyler's stomach is just as queasy and unsettled as his own. "They are good."

"Yes, all the food here is alright. Despite the fact that we all practice rampant cannibalism here in District 6." Oh God. Bad Joke. Abort mission. Make a hasty retreat. No need to traumatize the kid any more then he likely already was.

Josh laughs. "Of course. I almost forgot about the rampant cannibalism."

A dozen or so years ago, Titus, a tribute from District 6, had gone savage in the arena and had started eating the insides of the tributes he conquered. It had provided their district with a less then favourable reputation. Josh likes to make inappropriate jokes about it at the worst moments. Luckily Tyler seems to have taken it fine. "Sorry to disappoint, but we don't actually eat each other here. Titus was a bit of an unfortunate case."

"So you're saying you're not cannibals?" Tyler smiles. "I feel like my whole life has been a lie!"

The kid is still smiling slightly. Josh feels good. He feels successful. On most days his life feels like it is spinning widely out of control, but today he made an unhappy sixteen year old smile.

Tyler's escort is beckoning for Johanna, and starts making her way towards Tyler, "Looks like your train awaits," Josh points.

"Oh. Right," Tyler looks disappointed, like just for a moment he had forgotten what his life was, and he was now suddenly being dragged back to reality.

"You'll be fine," Josh says reassuringly. He isn't sure why but he has a sudden need to be there for him. Even in the smallest way possible. "You'll get through this. If you ever need to talk, Johanna has my number."

"I can call you?" Tyler's eyes widen in shock.

Josh shrugs. "My fancy victors house has a phone, might as well use it."

"Okay," Tyler says shyly. "Bye Josh."

"Bye Tyler."

That was the first time Josh Dun met Tyler Joseph.