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Chapter Twenty

I can't stop thinking about you. You have become all of the melodies and all of the lyrics inside my head.

Rhys xxxxxxxx

Staring down at his most recent text, a small and sad smile twinges around my mouth. I know how Rhys feels. I feel exactly the same way. A week has gone by and it's been the slowest week of my entire life. No amount of texts, calls and Skype can ever fill the hole that Rhys has left me with in England. I get through each of my working days just because I know that we will talk at the end of it. I live for those calls and for those texts. It's become an unhealthy pattern. I go to work. I come home. I eat, drink, bath and then wait to hear from Rhys. I no longer feel like I am living. I am merely existing. How I am beginning to feel lies like a heavy anchor deep down in my stomach. The unease, the anxiousness, the solitude of it all—I am beginning to loathe with such a passion. I hate feeling this way. I absolutely hate it. The nearer to the day that I get to see Rhys again, the further away from myself I am beginning to feel. I just feel like I am losing myself to how much I miss him. It's overtaken me. Overwhelmed me. It's there when I wake up. It stays with me when I'm at work. It takes me to bed every night. It's just always there. It never lets up. It never wants to leave me alone. To take my mind off Rhys. To take my mind off missing him, I have decided to do what normal people do; have a little fun with some friends. I just need to do normal things with normal people. It's Saturday night, so me and my two closest friends, Jo and Kim, are off to the cinema, then we are going to hit Convent Garden for a few drinks afterwards.

I need this. I need a night to just be me. No thoughts painfully wrapped up in Rhys. No wondering what he might be doing. I just need to forget about how much I want to be with him. Forget about how I can't be with him at the moment. I just want to forget it all. I need to prove to myself that I can laugh without him. I can have fun without him. My life doesn't have to begin and end with only him.

I am going to be staying at Kim's place tonight because she lives the closest to Convent Garden, so I decide to text Rhys that I won't be home to take his Skype call tonight.

Hey, I'm out with Jo and Kim tonight. A girlie night at the cinema and a few drinks after. Won't be home to take your call later on, so I shall miss that very gorgeous face of yours. We are crashing at Kim's, so I'll call you tomorrow. Just need to let my hair down, Rhys. I miss you so much. It's really quite pathetic just how bad it has got. Hope you have a great evening as well. Speak soon, love and squishy big hugs, Clara xxxxxxxxxxxxx

A deep satisfaction comes from sending that text. It's admitting how much I miss him, but says I'm doing something about it. Grabbing my overnight bag, I tell myself that I will have a great time as I hot foot it towards the taxi with Jo waiting excitedly inside of it.

**

"I don't think I'll sleep tonight, now...Ryan Gosling is literally dancing around in my mind." Kim gushes, feeling all floaty and mushy inside on account of La La Land that we have just watched.

"It was an amazing film, it's about time they did musicals again, just like they used to in the 40s and 50s." Jo says, her smile never leaving her genteel face.

Looping my arms with theirs, I happily walk in between both of them. The film was sensationally charming, vivid, funny and beautifully heartfelt—just what my aching heart needed. "It was great, wasn't it?"

"I loved it!" Kim profusely gushes, her face glowing with dreamy delight.

Needing to join in on all the gushing, Jo is the next to declare her love for La La Land. "The scenery, the dancing, the love story...oh, it was a stunning film."

"Are we walking or floating into the bars?" I can't resist teasing them a little over their sweet swooning of the triumphant film. 

Giggling, Jo and Kim both say at exactly the same time. "Floating!"

Laughing, I stand on tippy toes to make my walking appear lighter than light. "Then float we shall!" With the girls snuggling up against me, we are now more than ever determined to hit the bars in Convent Garden. Being in their comforting and familiar company makes me feel good. Their smiles, their silliness, their friendship is just what I need. Part of me wants to tell them about Rhys, the other part doesn't. Tonight is selfishly all about what I need. If I talk about Rhys, that will only remind me of all that I'm trying to forget—the emptiness, the moping around, the constant dull ache, needing to hear or see him—it all feels too overwhelming.

Being this Clara Thorn isn't the Clara Thorn that I know. I'm not at ease being her. She's someone I cannot relate to. I don't actually like her. She's becoming annoying and insecure. No, I don't like her at all.

I start humming, getting louder and louder as we happily walk.

It's the tune to A Lovely Night from the film, one that the girls instantly recognise and keenly join in with because we are having a lovely night. I am having a lovely night.