Access All Areas

Chapter Thirty Two

The days leading up to the funeral, and the funeral itself, Rhys swung between being strongly brave to silently struggling. Every time he was knocked down by the overwhelming loss of Maci, he would get right back up and try to be strong all over again. Even when he and his mum were told the post-mortem results, the ones that they had completely expected, he was withdrawn yet composed. He knew that Maci had died of a drugs overdose, but having it confirmed in black and white didn't cushion the devastating blow. Yet somehow he managed to carry on. He courageously did so, with the press going batshit crazy over the death of his sister. Her tragic story is now globally everywhere. The Ryan family secret is most certainly out now and the press are like a patient pack of wolves; they know Rhys is vulnerable, so they wait for the opportunity to get their pictures, their live feeds or a third party given piece of information. It's just how things are when someone who is as huge as Rhys really is, is involved in such a newsworthy story; everyone wants their pound of flesh of that story.

Which is why our being discreet has had to go up a whole new level. Rhys and anyone known to be somehow involved with him, are being followed. The paps have been hanging around his home, his mums, Jules, Will and Cameron's—they were even at the funeral.

But I managed to slip under the paps 'person of interest' radar because there were far more interesting people for them to keep their media eyes on. Although Dex thinks that it's only a matter of time that some journalist who knows me really well from the UK will spot me and finally put two and two together. Until that time comes, I am happy to keep laying low. Dex has actually been really sweet and supportive about everything but is also keen for me to get back to Fame-Us. When the story finally broke about Maci, I had my worried mum quickly on the phone and Jo and Kim calling as well. Everyone around myself and Rhys, have been so kind and wonderful. The outpouring of love and support from all of Rhys's fans has been phenomenal. I know it has touched him deeply just how much they care about him. I know it has me. Even Carol has gained some comfort from their unwavering support, it would be hard not to when millions of people are sending you their love, strength and prayers. Even in her dignified grief, Carol has been so dear to me. I don't think I'll ever forget the moment at the intimate reception following Maci's funeral, that Carol sweetly took me aside and profusely thanked me for looking after her boy. She actually said that, she called Rhys 'her boy'. I remember looking back at Carol, staring at the dark rings of grief that surrounded her light green eyes, the same grief that clung to every single part of her stricken face, and I just started to cry.

It was the first time that I had openly and uncontrollably sobbed my little heart out. I cried for so many things—for Carol, for Rhys, For Maci, for her baby, for the tragedy of it all, for allowing me to be with them through such a cruel tragedy—I cried for it all.

It was during my one moment of weakness, that I found clarity and strength. As I sobbed in the arms of Carol, quickly followed by the arms of Rhys, it was then that I realised I didn't think I could ever leave him. I was too deeply in love with Rhys to sever the bond between us.

I couldn't return to London.

I couldn't leave him behind.

I just couldn't.

Love can happen in the unlikeliest of places, with the unlikeliest of people, at the unlikeliest of times. Rhys and I had totally proved that. I already knew that my love for Rhys was true and strong, and beneath the sad cloud of Maci's death, our love had somehow become truer and stronger. Which is why I knew I couldn't return to London.

I had somehow convinced myself that I had willingly stayed because Rhys needed me, I now know that I stayed because I desperately needed him.

Yes, he does need me.

However, I need him so much more.

I finally accept that.

I think there has always been this stupid and stubborn part of me that thinks that by loving someone as deeply as I do Rhys, it's somehow a scary weakness. I think I have been fighting against my wanting to be with him, for fear of giving up my independence.

But I know that Rhys loves my independence. He would want it to thrive here in LA, not take it away from me. I could still work, just not in London. All my unsettled feelings that have been simmering silently inside of me, are now gone. I know what I must do, I just need to tell Rhys now. I have decided that tonight is the night. I am going to cook us a fancy meal and tell him my exciting news. He's been a little low the past couple of days, which is to be expected, but I'm hoping that my decision to stay will somehow soak up some of the sadness he has been carrying around with him. Which is why I can't wait for him to get back. He has gone to a meeting with his record company, Jules and Cam are with him as well. They will have no doubt been causing a paparazzi frenzy everywhere they go—annoying but true. I just hope that Rhys is coping with it today. Although he's still a little peeved about me calling Cam after Maci died, I'm really glad that both Cameron and Jules are with him. I know all too well how facing the world and being all alone can affect someone in the midst of their grief. There are good days, then there are truly the bad days. When I lost my dad, one minute I was coping, then I wasn't. It's like being on a rollercoaster that you just can't seem to get off from. You're chasing the person you were before the incurable loss that you so painfully now feel but the grief always drags you the hell back. Which is why I am worried about Rhys. He's up high, then he comes crashing down. He's overly chatty, then withdrawn and quiet. There's a maelstrom of misery inside of him and sometimes, he doesn't know how to handle it. But it's okay. He will eventually be okay. He may not think it now, but with time and patience, the pain will become more bearable and less overwhelming.

My fretful eyes flick up at the clock on the wall, which feels like it's the tenth time in only a minute that I have looked at it. I'm so eager for Rhys to come home now, I just have to tell him my news!

**

Okaaaaaaay, a worrying change of plan.

Rhys has just called to tell me that we are now going out this evening. He had apparently forgotten all about his record companies birthday bash this evening. It's been in his diary for months, but it got overlooked on account of what happened to Maci. Personally, I think it's a really bad idea, but Rhys thinks it's a great one. I don't think he's ready for such a social event, but he disagrees. He actually seems really excited about the party, so I'm just running with it for now.

It's a private party, so no media or cameras will be inside, but you can bet your life on it, that they will be outside. So Rhys is going to meet me there and Will is going to be the one to pick me up and escort me in.

So instead of making a fancy meal, I now have to make myself all fancy. Rhys and the boys are picking up some new suits and I am here, nervously getting ready. There are going to be a lot of famous faces at this bash and I'm not entirely sure how my being with Rhys is going to fit in with it.

Am I there as his date for the night?

His girlfriend?

Or maybe even Will's girlfriend?

With each grip that I slide into my messy low bun, the more I have a bad feeling about tonight.