I'd throw away my shot for you

Spirals of cinnamon

"It requires all the virtue and all the abilities of the Country."

This is what I write on the parchment in front of me

With haste, I continue. The lines of ink forming words.

Why was I writing so quickly?

Quicker than usual

I'll never know

Maybe some subconscious part of me knew the fate of my dear Laurens

Had wanted to finish as quickly as possible before he at last fell

Just so he could read it

-

It was sunny the day my life changed

I had been working on something

Writing

Waiting

I was ecstatic

like I had been invigorated by something

I was just finishing up when she walked in

Eliza

face down-trodden

it was like she couldn't look at me.

I looked up and said

"What's wrong my love?"

she read the letter

I was then frozen

I didn't register the weight of the words at first

a moment passed

and another

it was then I felt my knees hit the ground

everything felt empty, 

unreal

'This world surely can't exist without John' I thought

But I was wrong

It could

-

I walked with as much confidence as I could muster

It wasn't much

There was a lone pistol in my right hand

I ran my thumb repeatedly over the cold metal

a nervous habit I suppose

I stopped

feet planted heavily, I desperately squeezed my gun

I realized that I had been looking down

I raised my gaze to see...

Burr

I studied the features of the last face I may ever see

Even from several feet away I could make out his details

his dark skin

the color of his coat

but what stood out was the hatred in his gaze

His eyes were yearning for blood to be shed

preferably mine

I saw something out of the corner of my eye

silver,

glistening in the light

It seemed as if he had made his decision

My life flashed before me

memories piling up

things that I thought had been buried deep in my mind

I then recognized the emotion flooding through me

fear

fear of death

something that I thought I had abandoned long ago

it was fear that I felt as I went to lift my arm 

it was fear that I felt as the bullet punctured me

it was fear that I felt when Burr stared at the bullet hole he created

being rowed back across the Hudson

laying in bed

seeing Angelica and my wife desperately begging me to live

tears flowing from their faces onto the sheets

in all of those places, I felt fear. 

but one

yes

I felt anything but fear when I was welcomed into the afterlife

heavenly rays warming my skin

it seemed all my fatigue

my pain

my anguish

It all melted away in awe of the sight before me

I gawked at the one person I loved and desired more than anything

John 

my beloved

with baton in hand, he turned to me

with a smile as bright as the sun 

blindingly beautiful

with curls I knew to be so soft

with a scent so sweet 

with eyes so vibrant 

as if smiling at me was the only thing he ever wanted to do

finally

finally

I smiled back