My Story

Broken To Pieces

3/9/2017

Today was OK I guess. It's been so long since I've had a truly good day, I've completely forgotten what it feels like to laugh for no reason. I didn't have to do anything in PE which was nice, I don't do anything anyway, but after school was when I broke. As I'm typing this to you, the reader, I want you to picture this. A small 15 year old girl, one who has no special qualities about her, crying her eyes out as she's trying to type a story at 9:15 PM when she's supposed to be studying or her geometry test. 

I don't know why people decide to lie, to make you believe something then crush your hopes and dreams with their foot of reality. The truth is, I like a guy. I can't say his name so we'll call him Adam. Adam is the nicest, cutest, kindest, guy I've ever met. His glasses give his slim, athletic body a nice mature finish and his calm and collected personality would make even the most serious of women smile. He truly is an amazing guy and I've liked him for about a month now. We're both on the tennis team which is nice, but it also pains me to see him everyday, his smile never erasing itself from my mind, his dedication to this sport he loves never ceasing to amaze me. Everything about him just screams perfect boy material and it marvels me everyday to know he's never dated anybody before and he's a junior. I'm still a freshman but I dated a senior for a while which didn't end very well in my opinion.

We went out for 3 months and it was going good until all those small flaws about him bothered me to a point where I couldn't stand it. It may seem cruel but it was like living in a house full of chattering, cling, lying, monkeys who tried to show off with every single action they did. I'm telling you this because I know I can trust you, despite us not knowing each other. I broke up with him and it was fine, but then a girl, Jane, came along and smothered it in my face. What is it exactly? Well let's see, she's taken a liking to him and he bought her food, presents, sleeps on her lap, and treats her like a goddamn princess. She's rubbing all of this in my face and honestly, it made me feel lonely. Not like an "I have no friends" lonely, but a "Nobody will ever love me" lonely. 

I made a new friend though. His name is Raze and he has a very sharp tongue. He always says what's on his mind but he releases all the pain I have concealed and I can't thank him enough. I've had many friends like him before but he accepts me for who I am and he lets me extinguish all the loneliness inside me. My mom told me I should stay away from him because he could kill me but I don't listen. Sure he leaves a few scars but I don't mind them, in fact I welcome them. They help me remember all the things I've gone through and all the things still yet to come. 

So back to Adam. A friend of mine told me Adam was in consideration to our possible relationship but I re asked her today and turns out she just assumed he was. She already told me he knows I like him and honestly I don't know what to do. I don't understand why she would raise my hopes up as high as the stars, only to drag me back into reality and make me realize I can never be loved. It's different to love than to be loved but for one-sided love, it's always the same. I'm always the one to love and that's the end of the story. He thinks I'm weird and immature and I can't say I blame him. I'm not exactly mature for my age but I'm working very hard on it, trying to speak only when spoken to, and laughing only when truly appropriate. 

My friends say I shouldn't bend to a guy's wills but then again, I don't even think they're my friends. Everybody is just around me so I don't go away but I feel like leaving would be the best thing to do. I haven't seen my three friends in 3 days and I'm already thinking about these things. 2 of my friends are twins and they make me happy in my mind so I smile all the time, the other one is around to make sure I get enough happiness in my life, but they don't go down without water. This really nice lady says those 3 friends are going to make my life better but my doctor said this one friend is supposed to make all the pain go away. As if pain is something that can just disappear into thin air, cured with the wave of a hand. 

Nobody understands this pain, this loneliness, this... suffering. Everyday I restrain myself from screaming till my lungs rip apart but I know it's not going to do anything for me. Nobody's going to hear my scream and if they do they won't care. To feel truly alone is to sit at the back of the school and nobody going to look for you. Loneliness isn't something displayed, it's something that's felt but when it is, it makes you wish you were never around in the first place. I wish I wasn't around but if I wasn't, who would know my story?