Adurna

Dimmoor

Chapter Thirty-one

I exited the tent and was met by the overwhelmingly silent greeting of the camp around me. No one bothered to turn and no one had bothered to enter my tent. For some strange reason, I felt as if I were out of my body, experiencing things from behind a glass wall. My eyes flickering around the camp and, as no gaze met mine, I felt the need to flee. The usual noise within my mind was strangely silent. There was no familiar presence of either Eragon or Derikia and it left me feeling hollow. I needed to get out. Now.

Dark clouds swirled overhead as a trudged up a nearby hill. It felt good to stretch my newly healed wounds and the fresh air in my lungs nearly cleared the thoughts from my mind. However, I couldn't shake the odd feeling that had gathered in my chest since I spoke with Eragon. I felt strangely uneasy, as though something was contracting around my chest incessantly. It was difficult to breathe, though I knew it had nothing to do with my health. My wounds had completely healed yesterday, my muscles well rested and bones mended. The feeling flooded my chest and I had thought a walk would do me some good.

I came to a stop on top of the hill, my sharp eyes scanning the camp site below. The feeling had not dissipated with the distance and I let out a helpless sigh. My gaze flickered towards the empty moors in front of me, beyond the camp site, beyond the walls of the village. A soft breeze passed along the fields and my heart thundered within my chest. It would be so easy to just walk off. To leave this life behind and trek all the way back home. The mere thought of abandoning this cursed duty brought an overwhelming sense of relief that I nearly collapsed under it. If I left now, no one would know my name. No one would expect the impossible from me anymore. I could be free.  I could go anywhere and be anyone, as long as I kept walking. 

My feet took two steps towards the distance before my mind could command it. My fingers trembled at the prospect of leaving everything behind; whether it was from dread or excitement, I wasn't sure. The wind had turned biting and cold crept into my bones, yet I didn't bother to leave the hill top. I was vaguely aware of the clouds becoming more and more dense above me, covering what little sun there was with a deep gray abyss. It was ironic, in an annoying way, how the weather always seemed to reflect the feelings swirling in my chest. 

Whatever feeling of freedom that had entered my mind came to a halt as I wrestled with the idea of leaving behind the many warriors that followed me. How could I abandon them in the middle of this merciless war? They had blindly followed my orders, however inexperienced with power I was, and encouraged me during battle. What would become of them, many of whom I call friends, if I was to leave? Though I did not think very highly of myself as a warrior, I knew I strengthened their odds of survival--every body counted. Every soldier in an army made a difference. 

My desire to be free fought with the duty I felt vibrating within my bones. The two concepts were at war within my mind and I could do nothing but stand my ground, unmoving, unyielding to the instinct of fleeing. There was no where to go and no one to talk to. How could someone understand the selfish thoughts that overwhelmed my mind?

Throughout it all, I was all too aware of the deepening feeling of loneliness that had settled in the pit of my stomach. 

I don't know how long I stood out there. Numbness had long since gathering within my muscles, yet I continued to stand. Surprisingly, it was Saphira who eventually found me. I was staring out across a field, a long way from the camp when I heard a distant beat of wings. My eyes stayed trained ahead and I didn't bother to wipe the tears from my face. I hadn't even realized they had fallen. The words constricted within my throat and I simply stayed silent, my thoughts swimming erratically within my mind.