Entry #15

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ni NyxIanthe

ni NyxIanthe

Dear Ex Best friend

So 'yun. San na nga ba ko magsisimula ulit? Ah! Alam ko na. Alam mo ba? Simula sa una palang may palagi na 'kong itinatanong sa sarili ko. Para saan nga ba ang lahat ng 'to? Sa pagsusulat ko ba dito may nangyayari ba? Nalalaman mo nga ba talaga ang mga gusto kong iparating? Ang sagot? HINDI KO ALAM. Wala naman maitutulong ang pagsusulat ko dito pero ito padin ako pinagpapatuloy 'to. That's why after this I'll stop. Kahit na di ko pa alam kung paano.

I'm torn between moving on and holding on. I want to move on but I always remember you so I don;t know where to stop. I want to continue this also but I can't find a reason to still hold on. For a sake of our memories? Huh? That's now slowly fading away in my mind. My first time things I've experience with you? My feelings for you before that I think just an infatuation? You know what? I hate you so much! Why? Because your so unfair! I'm the only one who've experience this loneliness. But hell, swear after this I'll give up! I will give up on you with our memories! So that I finally say to myself that I moved on. Because I keep asking myself, why I should still continue this if there's no left reason, for me to still keep our memories, even a bit? Why should I still hold on our memories if there's lot of people around me that's more worth treasuring for than you? I write this one not because I miss you, I write this for the closure I want to get for myself, because deep inside me telling me that I should move on, I just can't accept it, and I don't why. After this I know I'll totally forget about you...

You know what? There's so many question in my head for you, but I don't know where to start and if you have an answer on it. Because me either don't know the answers of this damn questions! What's really going on before we drift away? Ano nga ba meron tayo noon? Meron nga ba talagang 'tayo' o nag assume lang ako? Kung nag-assume nga ako, dahil 'yon sayo. You give me mix signals, false hope and fake signs that you liked me too! In short pinaasa mo ako! Pero I should be thankful din pala, kasi kung di dahil sayo di ako matututo. But I still hated you because of that. Ang hirap pala kapag one sided 'no? Pero kasi you said 'I love you's' to me, so what did you expect to me? To assume diba? Hay ang hirap! Masaya mainlove sa bestfriend at the same time masakit. Gusto kong umiyak na ayoko. Gusto ko nalang ilabas lahat ng sakit na 'to pero paano? Sawa na ko umiyak ng umiyak ng umiyak ng dahil sa kakaalala sayo. Gusto ko umiyak, gusto ko sumigaw dahil baka pagginawa ko yun matapos lahat ng ito, kahit mabawasan lang yung lungkot, dahil nakakasawa na. Sobrang hirap din kasi e. AYOKO NA! AYOKO NA! AYOKO NAAAAA! Sawang sawa na ko e. Sawang sawa na ko! Ang unfair naman kasi e. What I've experience with you is one of the happiest at the same time one of the traumatic situation of my life.

You know what? I realized that I just keep remembering you kapag may nagpapaalala nalang sakin about you. Or every time I'm lonely, sad and kapag may nakikita or nakakausap akong magbest friend din na opposite sex. I want to cry this all out so that maybe, maybe I can forget about you with the memories we've shared. Di ba pwede yun? Di ba pwedeng ganun nalang kadaling kalimutan ka? I badly want to forget you, that you didn't exist in my life. That if I forget about you my pain you gave me will also fade away with the trauma of some one leaving me behind. Alone.

Do you know the feeling that suddenly you just want to burst out? Geez! i'm starting to hate this feeling I felt for you even more. Kasi kahit na sanay ako sa pagpepeke ng emosyon ko mahirap pa rin sakin pagpanggap na hindi nasaktak at patuloy na nasasaktan kapag naaalala ka.

I promise this would be the last I will wrote for you. Dahil simula sa araw na ito kakalimutan na talaga kita.

Salamat sa lahat. Sa masaya't malungkot na alaala.

Your ex best friend will finally, signing off.

Ncl