last ones out (ryden oneshots)

Bare Skin

Ryan Ross couldn't sleep.

Despite the fact that he had Brendon curled up next to him, soundly asleep and holding onto Ryan, letting him know he was wanted here, Ryan couldn't help but feel out of place. Ryan always felt out of place, no matter where he was. He couldn't help but feel as if he were less than he really was.

Brendon was warm as he held Ryan, looking awfully pretty as he slept. Ryan never had to question why he loved Brendon, even if they fought, Ryan always knew he still loved Brendon. He never questioned whether Brendon's loved him back or not, he never had to.

They'd never explicitly said those words to one another, which Ryan didn't consider a big deal. They just knew, Brendon's eyes spoke louder than his words, and Brendon always seemed to know what Ryan was thinking. So even if those three words remained unspoken, they would always know.

Brendon wasn't officially living with Ryan either, but he showed up one day a few weeks ago and only goes back to his place to get clothes or stuff for work. Ryan didn't mind if Brendon came and went as he pleased, he meant to get Brendon a key one of these days so that he didn't have to wait when Ryan was out.

Ryan could hear traffic from outside the building, through his open window that Brendon had insisted they should keep open because it was the middle of July and he was way too warm. Ryan would always do as Brendon asked, in all honesty. Brendon meant the world to him, and it was nice to know that Brendon felt the same.

Ryan had forgotten what it was like to be in love for a long while, genuinely in love. Before it was falling to fix himself, and they never worked out because once he was 'fixed', he didn't know what to do. Stuck in a loveless relationship, codependent and and they both clung to each other in hopes of happiness.

It was never like this with Brendon, it was always genuine. It was never to fix himself, or to fix Brendon. Even if, right now, Ryan didn't see a full future with Brendon. Marriage and children, a house with a picket fence, he never saw that. He had never seen himself growing old with Brendon, but he didn't mind the idea.

Being with him was really unplanned, it came out of nowhere and hit him like a sledgehammer, but he wasn't going to leave him. He didn't know if they were going to have a future, but he didn't mind being with Brendon for now, even if he did feel out of place in his own bed.

Brendon always made him feel like home, though. He made the idea of ever leaving awfully hard to deal with.

Ryan had thought about running away from his life before. It didn't seem like a terrible idea, running away and creating some sort of new identity where his past life couldn't catch up with him. Permanently fixing all of his mistakes, getting rid of everything he once was to become a better version of himself.

Ryan had always known that he could be better than who he had become, who everyone knew him as. He knew that the person Ryan Ross had grown up to be wasn't what he ever wanted. Living a normal life, rarely doing anything to make him stand out in a positive light, yet that's what happened.

He didn't mind it all too much, it just wasn't ideal. Maybe he had to grow up and learn to deal with it. Learn to deal with everything that had happened in his life, including all the negative things that he would much rather enjoy leaving out, pretending they didn't exist at all. Learn to deal with his life.

He would learn to someday.

He had always questioned what it would be like to run away though, to forget everything and invent a new person, someone who wasn't himself. He would be dead to everyone but himself, he wouldn't need anyone else until he decided he did, and everyone else would forget who Ryan Ross was.