last ones out (ryden oneshots)

New York

AN: Not set in canon. I loved writing this so much.

Brendon should never of gone.

He should've never let himself arrive at Ryan's house after Ryan casually mentioned that he was always welcome, since Sarah was visiting friends in a different state, and that really, Ryan wouldn't mind the company. It was a stupid idea and Brendon knew that nothing good would ever come of it.

Yet there he stood, knocking on Ryan's door. He was truly an idiot for believing that it was innocent, he had realised on the ride over. It was Ryan, of course it would never be innocent with him. He never had good intentions when it came to Brendon. That was maybe a bit of a lie.

Ryan did have good intentions a lot of the time, but they were always fucked up in a way. He'd slept with Ryan three times while he was engaged to Sarah, but never after they married. Brendon had called it off by then. He knew that it was wrong in the first place, and he felt so guilty for it.

He blamed Ryan for the most part, it was easier that way. That way he could pass his guilt onto Ryan instead of having to face it himself, cheating on his now wife. Ryan had rolled his eyes when Brendon called it off, maybe he saw it coming, but Ryan just said, "Whatever. You can't pretend it was a one time thing, though, when she finds out."

Brendon had fucking hated his use of the word, 'when.' It wasn't appropriate because there was no way he'd let Sarah find out about the few times he'd slept with Ryan behind her back. He felt bad because it wasn't to protect her, but instead to protect himself. He was selfish, he really was.

He was back though, and Ryan was civil towards him in the few times they'd met since. Ryan never brought up their thing, or whatever it was, and Brendon was fine with that. He didn't want reminders that he let another man fuck him while he was, again, engaged to Sarah. It was wrong in every way possible.

They'd only met now through coincidences, now, though. Through forced communication at things they'd both been invited to and attempting to become friends. Ryan was better than Brendon, he'd always found things easier to get over after a little while, he never really clung to the past.

There was always a possibility that Ryan did have innocent intentions, the possibility that he'd changed now, that he'd gotten over everything and was putting the past behind them. He might be ready to but Brendon wasn't. Why should he move on from it all when he can just ignore it happened?

He wasn't even ready to take the blame, let alone treat Ryan as if he were just an old friend. They both knew he wasn't just an old friend.

It was such a stupid idea to have came here, and even if he had already knocked on the door he could leave right now, Ryan wouldn't know, Ryan wouldn't care, as long as he got out of here quick. He didn't want to see Ryan, at least he thought he didn't, he thought just seeing his face would bring up bad memories and he had to leave and-

His thoughts were cut short as the door opened.

It was definitely Ryan, hair damp, probably from a shower, and that was bad because Brendon didn't want to think about Ryan in the shower. He looked good, and any hope that he wouldn't be attracted to Ryan any more is gone because, yeah, no, he's probably not going to last an hour before he either left or got Ryan to fuck him, he would prefer the former over the latter.

However, Ryan just smiled at him, as if he were a friend. This knowing grin, that didn't make Brendon uneasy like it probably should have, instead it just welcomed him in. A way of saying he was allowed into Ryan's home, even if he didn't trust himself in there. He didn't trust himself to get so close to Ryan.

In all honesty, Brendon knew he was fucked the moment he smiled back and stepped in after Ryan invited him in.

It wasn't as if he'd never seen Ryan's house before, far from it. But now, it seemed so different. Last time he was here they'd fucked on the couch and Brendon had his crisis, leaving Ryan who just raised an eyebrow and smoked through it, as if he didn't care. It wasn't true that he didn't matter, he did matter.