The Way He Feels ||Jelix|| (High School AU)

I Think it's Best if You Leave

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        Felix felt bad for leaving Sean like that. He wanted to go back, hug Sean and apologize a million times, but he couldn't. He was too scared, too prideful. He was in such a emotional situation, his mental stability wasn't strong enough for this. He couldn't handle it. He was weak. The word he called himself every day.

        He skipped school. Sean was in his next class, so he decided to go to the office and call his mother. He let her know that he was having an anxiety attack and wanted to leave. She gave him permission, and he left the school. Once he was in his house, he walked to his room, threw his bag on his floor and fell onto his bed. He didn't bother checking for homework. He didn't care, he had good grades anyways.

        Felix rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. His mother would be coming home in a few hours. He should probably try to cook something for her, seeing as she came home around dinner time. He just didn't feel like it. He wasn't motivated. He was overly worried how Sean would react. Sean seemed to get very offended when Mark called them a married couple.. Felix was extremely confused.

        He didn't know how Sean felt (though he believes that Sean doesn't like him the same way). He didn't know how he feels. It's obvious that Sean didn't feel the same.

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        Felix breathed in deeply before knocking on the door. Sean's parents wouldn't be home for a couple more hours, so Felix took this free opportunity. He waited for a few long seconds before the door opened. The person who opened the door was Sean, as expected. But.. he looked almost as broken as when Felix first saw him.

        Sean looked very tired and Felix could tell Sean was hungry, with the way he was hunching over and hugging his stomach. "Sean," Felix said softly, before breathing in and out again, "I-I need to tell you something." Sean's eyebrows furrowed. The brunette stepped to the side, letting Felix in, before closing the door.

        "What's up?" Sean asked, blinking at the floorboards as he leaned against the door. The Swede sighed.

        "Can we go to your room?" Felix felt more comfortable in Sean's room. He has been in there more than any other room in the house. Him and Sean had spent so much time together in there. Felix looked around the house as they walked to Sean's room. The place looked cleaner than from before. Sean probably found at least some motivation, or his parents did it. Felix doubted it was the latter.

        Sean sat on his bed, grabbing and hugging onto the Irish flag pillow he had. Felix sat next to him and smiled slightly. It was Sean's grandmothers. He said it makes him feel safe and at home when he hugs it. "Um, listen, I am.." Felix tried to say it, but his throat closed every time he tried. He couldn't apologize. He always trouble apologizing sometimes, especially if it was with someone he's close with.

        Sean raised an eyebrow, confused, "I'm sorry?"

        Felix sighed and closed his eyes tightly. "I am.. Sorry," he breathed in and out, like he was panting. "I have.. social anxiety, and I can't breathe when I have pressure put on me. I just didn't know how you would react, and I was scared and.." Felix couldn't finish. His heart was beating too fast. He couldn't handle this. He was absolutely terrified.

        "I-It's okay. I went a bit too far there, I should've stopped." Felix nodded, biting the inside of his cheek. He had more to say. "You need anything else, Fe?" Felix closed his eyes, silently sighing at the name. His heart just melted when he heard it. He nodded slightly.

        "I don't know how to say this, so I'm going to be straight (liar-) with you." Felix breathed in, anxiety taking over. He said it calmly, but he was shaking on the inside. "I like you." Sean blinked in shock. Felix liked him? How did Sean feel? He kind of felt something there, but he never really thought of it.

        "You mean- You really like me?" Sean said in disbelief.

        Felix shakily nodded. "Yeah, I do," Felix internally cursed his trembling voice. "Like I said, you are so kind and sweet, and you seem so broken. You seem so sad, and if that's the case, I want to help you. I want you to be happy. I want you to enjoy at least a little bit of life, because you don't deserve how you're being treated at school." Felix felt tear sting his eyes. He was growing emotional over the thought of how depressed Sean may be.

        Sean stared, mouth ajar. He couldn't believe was Felix just said. He looked down at the floor, closing his mouth. "F-Felix, I'm.. I'm so sorry," he looked up and saw Felix's face. The blonde knew what was coming. He knew Sean didn't feel the same. Complete silence rang through their ears, and then Felix could only hear the shatter of his heart. They both stood there, frozen. Both were scared. Felix didn't know if Sean wouldn't want to be his friend anymore, and Sean was scared of what to say. Sean didn't speak, he was too scared if he would say anything wrong.

        "That's fine!" Felix suddenly said, startling Sean slightly. Sean took a small step back, Felix put his hands up. "I get it, Sean," Felix's voice softened, and he had a small, gentle smile on his face. "You can't control your feelings. I understand you don't feel the same." That caring smile fell into a sad frown. 

        Sean opened his mouth to say something, but didn't say anything. What do you say to that? He couldn't find his voice anyways. He knew Felix was hurt. Felix was a shy boy, completely self-conscience, it must've taken plenty of  bravery to tell Sean. Felix seemed so sure how he felt, so firm with his words, even when his voice shook. 

        "I guess I should be leaving then." Felix's eyes fell to the floor and Sean felt guilt settle in his stomach. He nodded slowly.

        "I think so," Sean whispered, just enough for Felix to hear. Felix nodded, sniffing though he didn't have tears in his eyes anymore. He just felt blank. He felt sad, yes, but the confusion on handling this made him blank. He didn't have a reaction. 

        Felix turned and finally walked out of Sean's room. Sean quietly follow him out. Felix grabbed onto the door knob, turning it but not opening the door. "I'll see you next week, Sean," he said quietly, just above a whisper and left. Walking out the door without a second look or word.