My Bad Habit

A Fucking Incompetent

Oh my lord guys. How have you been? I have been pretty rocky. And that's why I haven't been writing. And I'm sincerely sorry, but it's just been hard. But I can't neglect you guys, so here it's goes. The only good news I have is that I will soon be getting a Siberian Husky, for comforting reasons. I'm going to talk about my problems now so you can go ahead and skip to the chapter if you don't want to deal with my crap.

-emotional barf warning-

      Okay, where to start. My grandfather recently had a stroke in Michigan, so we had to leave to go there to see if he was okay. He is slowly recovering and has just gained his voice back, so now I can go back to school now, and I'm just going through a lot of stuff right now, because i just moved, and I'm going to have to make something out of nothing. Like I always have to. I have to help my mom get through this divorce that I am happy she went through with, as her husband was hitting her. Also I have to save some money for this summer so I can spend some time with my family. So yeah, my year has been pretty hectic so far. please forgive me. As far as i can see, i will be updating this story a lot more now that I'm more free time wise.

-emotional barf ended-

I have decided to make this a chapter about the well known fuck boy, Sai. I will get down to the nitty gritty on his situation and why he's  after Ino. By the way, the italics will from now on be used for thoughts or flashbacks.

On with chapter

Chapter 9: A Fucking Incompetent
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Sai's POV

"C'mon, take the pills," mom, I don't want them. "Do it, you little shit, or I'll shove them down your throat." Mom, please, not again. "You think that you can walk all over me don't you? If you don't take them, there will be no food left overs for you until you die, and you know I mean it." Mom, please, I don't like them, they aren't even prescribed meds. But I'll take them because I'm a good boy. I'm a good boy.

I wake up in a cold sweat, tears trickling slowly down my face,which is still swollen. Why do I have that dream now of all times?
Because you feel powerless, first your mom almost killed you, and now the one you've sworn your heart to someone who is in love with another, and you can't do shit about it.
Shut up! I don't like talking to you this early in the morning!
How can that be, when I am you?
I grab my head and shake it as my mind bends my reality and spins it into something far worse.
What if I said far worse was already your reality?
"No! It's not," I yell out to nobody in my condo, trying to let out some of my frustrations,only to have my neighbor come over to tell me I was interrupting her quote unquote 'beauty sleep'. After closing the door in her face, showing a really fake smile, I decide to get ready for the day. It was a Saturday, so I could recover from the beating I took yesterday, yet another reason why my life is horrible.

I knew from the start I wouldn't win, but I wanted to fight to show Shikamaru that I still have a reason to put my two cents in, working for getting Ino to fall for me. I know, that my idea was stupid, but I have my pride, and thats all I do have.

Yeah, because nobody has ever cared for you.

Why do you pop up so much?!
It's not like I can go away...besides, if you didn't have me, who would you be?

Probably a properly functioning teen in high school. I go my restroom to check my wounds and it's all pretty much healed up other than my eye, which was starting to become a painful shade of purple. I hiss as I put a bit of pressure on it, taking out some creme to heal it. The truth is, I've liked Ino for so damn long, I don't even try to go out to get laid anymore. For so long, I've been hers, I've all but had the chance to meet someone else. It's all because of him.

What? I'm not the one that fell in love with a bitch who doesn't like me back. You should've went with that other girl, what was her name? Oh yeah, I remember.

He chuckles as I remember who he is talking about.

the girl that I've hated since I was betrayed by her. It was Sakura if my memory holds me to the truth. You just hopelessly fall in love with all of these girls who don't want anything to do with you, don't you? Ha, if I was REALLY YOU, I WOULD KILL MYSELf!

I stare at myself in shock in the mirror as he goes into hysterics, then falls silent after a while.

Just when i felt he had gone, I felt like throwing up from the pressure he put on my mind. No... not again, he's taking control again.

I have no power, when I sit in that dark room that he does, in the back of my mind, in the back of his mind.

I grab my head and shake it furiously, the sweat from my hair flying every which way. I hear him cackling from the surface, since it has been many years since he has last come out.

"You probably thought I was playing, but what better way to die than by your own hand?!"

My eyes open wide as I see through his eyes, shuffling through the cabinets in the restroom until he finds one of my antique razors. I struggle too get back to the surface, trying to make it, but I am too late.

"You are me, you are my demon, my hatred, my lion, you are what became of the child who was abused by mother every day, and I had wished you would die, but now I know that even that is not just possible with anti-depressants. I'm sorry I hated you for so long."

We both cry by now as he cuts my wrists, our wrists, watching the blood well upon my arm before falling to the floor. I watch sadly as the cuts in my physical body show up on my arm in the room, making me feel just as much pain, the pain I deserve, the pain I've been due to owe. And, I let him, because I feel the same, just as worthless, just as scared, just as humiliated, just as tired. Oh I was so tired. Tired of trying , tired of not being cared for, tired of being hated, tired of feeling hopeless. Just fucking tired.

And honestly, at this point, I don't give a fuck what he does as long as he gets it over quickly enough so that I don't feel it much, so that we don't feel it much. Because every time I do feel something, it's never good. It truly is never good enough for anyone.

Nothing I do is ever right, nothing I say ever matters, everything I feel is not meant to be, so maybe I'm the oddball out of this perfect picture that needs to be finished. Maybe I'm the letter that needs to be erased, I am the mistake that no one, not even my mother, ever loved.

"Do it." I say it to both of us, because we are one and the same. I urge our hand holding the razor towards our other wrist, we slice it up to the point where I feel my hand is going to fall off. We quickly switch hands, blood splattering everywhere in the process, and do the same to my other wrist. We fall to the floor, in pain for the last time. Crying tears of joy, crying tears of relief, crying tears of freedom. We went through so so much, but now we were free. With both of us screaming in pain, I tell him, what he so desperately wanted to hear, what I so desperately wanted to hear. I love you.

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hey hey hey! did you like the chapter? I bet a bunch of you guys didn't want that to happen, poor Sai. I guess that that is about it though for this chapter, it just sorta wrote itself.

peace peeps,

littlel-lemonhead