Unfaithful✔️

Freedom Is Not Being Alone

Freedom is not being alone.

"You've done it again haven't you Gemma?" Michael pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes tight. Gemma watched with complete anticipation and anxiety, hoping he wouldn't cry like the last time- that was awful.

"I'm sorry." Was all she could say, but her shallow words only left him looking even more broken.

Sorry.

Sorry meant nothing to her.

Michael had learned that the hard way.

"You aren't sorry. You never are but I keep coming back and I don't know why."

Gemma was quite surprised by his words then, he remained calm which only made her more nervous. Michael was a forgiving man, but blessings were always weaknesses too. The only reason the two had remained together over the past two years was because of Michael.

"Neither do I." She admitted.

It was the truth. Gemma didn't feel like she had much value. She could never find this kind of indescribable approval she needed- from herself or anyone else around her. Not from the man she was supposed to love or the ones she invited into her bed every now and again.

Gemma never understood why Michael loved her. It was something that left her in such deep bewilderment, so much so that it had turned into some sort of severe disturbance at times. Gemma was not the type of woman who deserved love. She never did things right, she was selfish and stubborn.

There were a million reasons Michael shouldn't love her.

There always would be

but he chose to ignore them,

until now.

"I'm packing up some of my stuff, I'll organise when's the best time to come back and get everything else in the next couple of days. Preferably when you're not around." Michael almost grumbled over his shoulder before going to get his things from another room.

Gemma nodded slightly to herself as he walked away, a tear or two brimming her eyes but she didn't know why. She had brought all of this on herself and was fully aware of it too. It could only ever end this way, Gemma knew it from the start.

She had too many bad habits and not enough empathy or loyalty to be faithful to one person for such a long period of time. Her and Michael's relationship should never have happened in the first place, she was not ready to be tied down. Gemma was always an independent girl, this made her crave freedom from every aspect of life.

Freedom.

All she sought after but never fully grasped.

There was a feeling of emptiness within her that nothing could fill. It haunted her. Not even sadness could make her feel whole again, happiness was something of a fairy tale at this point in her life- she knew not to search for it any longer.

This deep, dark hole in her chest filled with all the addictions and secrets she had collected over the years would never overflow, it was endless. Her own mind disturbed her, filled with impure thoughts. She knew she should have never allowed Michael to get anywhere near her- it was a mistake she would not make again. Gemma would make sure of it.

No one could love her if she did not love herself.

And she would never love herself.

Surprisingly, Gemma thought a lot more about Michael in those few moments while she waited for him to leave than she did during their entire relationship.

She wondered, was it entirely her fault that the relationship had gone downhill at such a rapid pace? Surely Michael understood how uninterested she was in everything involving the two of them as a couple? She told him from the beginning that she was not normal, that she was selfish and relationships were not entirely her thing. Michael should have known the only way this would end, and it most definitely would come to an end, would be with total heart ache?

There was a part of Gemma that wished she had never met Michael, she could tell he was hurt- any normal person would be. If they had never met she wouldn't have caused such a damaging impact on him. The realisation that it was not Michael's fault at all made her chest sink a little.

She had voluntarily and knowingly inflicted pain on him when he did not deserve it. He was a fool, a fool who loved her despite all her infidelity, selfishness, and flaws, but he did not deserve someone as low as Gemma in his life. She should never have questioned who was wrong in this situation because it was clearly her.

If only she had been stronger, if only she had refused the blossoming relationship with Michael. But she didn't, because despite knowing what would happen, Gemma warmed to the feeling of being wanted by another. She became somewhat obsessed, craving the feeling of being desired- so much so that it came to the point where Michael was then not enough.

Through this grey and gloomy realisation, Gemma could see some speck of light on the horizon- freedom. She would never have to inflict that amount of pain on another person again if she remained free, without any ties.

"I'm going now." Michael's voice broke into her thoughts. He had suddenly appeared in front of her but she did not notice him until he spoke.

"Okay." She voice was just above a whisper, it crackled as it escaped her lips. She had yet to look him in the eye but that was all he wanted in that moment.

Michael, after everything, still felt a great deal for Gemma but he would never admit it, not now. She was not good for him and he needed to move on before she broke him yet another time.

"You're so fixated on being by yourself, not being tied down that you don't realise that freedom is not being alone." Were his last words to her.

Freedom is not being alone.

It echoed in her mind but the words did not hold much meaning to her at that specific time.

No lesson was learned from his words,

Yet.

Gemma could never fully establish where this need for freedom had come from, but she could not fight it off. It made her crave the ending of this awful relationship with Michael yet scared her at the same time.

Would she ever feel like she needed someone else?

Would she ever truly love a person?

Would she ever love herself?

Would she ever allow herself to be loved?

She was unsure but for now, the answer was no.