Unfaithful✔️

Forgiveness

Forgiveness.

"Karen." Jim's voice was shaky as he said her name, the sound of it coming from his lips almost burned his tongue.

"One second, I'm just dealing with another customer sir."

She had not looked at him yet, and his nostalgic voice did not sound as familiar with the busy noise of the coffee shop playing over in the background. If only Karen had realised who he was before turning to set her eyes upon him. Every part of her felt weak although all she craved was to be strong.

It was not like the movies or books had described when situations like this happened- she did not reach over the counter and slap him across the face or run off crying dramatically when she was reminded of the intense pain he had brought her. All Karen could do was stand frozen in her stop, staring at him as if he was the most unusual alien object she had ever come across in her life.

He made her feel so many things- that was the problem. Her problem, regardless of who's fault it was. Her stomach churned with the anticipation that this conversation- short or long- could bring.

"Jim." She said his voice aloud then although she had promised on many sad and drunken nights she would never utter it again. Everything was felt all at once and Karen couldn't take it.

"Can we talk?" he was not nervous anymore, his confidence had come back which made her feel slightly jealous that she was not as calm and collected as he was.

"No."

"Please-"

"No."

"Karen..."

"Don't do this to me Jim. I don't need it, I can't deal with it. You're better off leaving me alone, it's been months and I don't think I can take another talk with you."

She was truthful- always.

But she was weak- more than always.

And so, with much coercion, she agreed to talk to him.

She took her break early and sat on an empty park bench nearby somewhere in the city. The setup was not ideal, but Karen had learned there would never be a right time or place with Jim. That was just how things were with him.

"I'm sorry." Jim had said this so many times before but it did not matter, he would never be able to say it enough.

Forgiveness.

What he was looking for,

And what he wouldn't get.

He had crushed her in too many ways, made her feel such deeply heart-shattering things that she did not know were even possible to feel. Jim had done that to her, her Jim, the Jim who was supposed to love and be there for her as she was for him.

"Okay." She nodded, trying to look strong although she knew she was doing a terrible job at it. "Is that it?" Karen wanted to be done with this conversation.

"Well- I suppose it is. You don't seem to want to talk about anything else." He knew the conversation was coming to and end but had not moved yet, wanting more. She knew this from his pleading eyes which caused a spark of anger to light up inside herself.

"What more is there to say Jim? Why are you even doing this? Why do you turn up every so often to remind me of such a horrible time in my life? What do want me to say or do to make you go away?" she wanted to shout it, but her voice came out almost strangled and scrawny.

"I want you to know how sorry I feel for doing what I did." A cacophonic laugh cascaded from her mouth then, she was unable to keep it in. Unlike many times before when Jim showed up out of the blue to apologise, she was not ending the conversation as it had always ended.

"You can never feel sorry enough for what you did until it's done to you Jim. I wish I was the type of person to forgive and forget, to put this past me easily but I'm not. And you've made me this way." She was calmer than she had ever been before, but the adrenaline rush she was getting from the truth made her inwardly shake.

"I-"

"I just home one day you love someone as much as I loved you. I hope you care about them so much it makes you do so many stupid things I did for you. I hope they make you feel so happy from doing so little for you like I felt. And then I hope someone loves you as little as you loved me. I hope it makes you feel so small- like how being completely in love with you felt. And I hope it takes you as long as it took me -too long- to realise that that person will never care as much as you. Only then will you be able to feel sorry enough for me to even think about accepting any apology from you."

Karen's words were not words of anger, only sorrow, melancholy and somewhat nostalgia. Despite Jim putting her through so much inner turmoil, she knew there was still some part of herself that would go back and do it again just to be with him, just to feel all the good things she felt.

And that was her problem.

It took a lot to let go of him and she still had not let go completely. But Karen knew better, she was aware of her clinging onto the good memories and her thoughts that the little good she got was worth all of the bad. She would learn from this.

"I just don't know why I did it Karen, I loved you. I didn't mean to sleep with her but we were drunk and- and it was the biggest mistake I've ever made."

"This isn't just about you cheating on me Jim. Maybe a small part of you loved me, but not enough. Looking back on it I can see that now, although it took me a long time to realise it. Maybe in your own head, you're exaggerating what you felt to make yourself feel better but that wasn't the way it was. We can't be together because you didn't care enough and I made up for it in what I felt for you. It was one sided and you dragged me through everything knowing you didn't care that much. And I can't blame you entirely for that, because I was stupid enough to go along with it but I can accept that no and know I don't want anything to do with you now. You don't want anything to do with me either Jim. You just want closure, you just want the guilt to go away that's taken a long time to fully kick in. Maybe apologising seems like the only way you'll feel better but you can't undo what you did."

Honesty.

That was what killed him the most.

She had kept this all bottled up for so long, every emotion you could possibly feel towards the situation and Jim all together, everything was demanding to be felt and said- she was glad of it. Jim might feel bad for a while, but he wold eventually forgive himself like she had forgiven herself for her bad decisions.

"You are the one for me Jim." Karen had accepted this, that she still loved him as much as she did not want to admit it. It was very strange, she was sure, but there was no helping how she felt. "But I'm not the one for you. And that's the problem."

A sad smile crossed her lips as she looked him in the eye one more time before standing up from the bench and grabbing her bag.

"You don't need to come see me anymore, one day you'll forgive yourself and you shouldn't need me to help you with it because I can't."

Forgiveness.

Something she could never give him,

It was a battle with himself then.

He needed to forgive himself instead but he didn't know if he ever could.