ambivalent [alex karev]

iv. in which the power fails

  Lights crackle and flicker and then fade out completely. The heavy breathing of the man lying next to me speeds up.

"What was that?" His words try to sound confident but the crack in his voice gives him away. Glancing upwards, I pull my stethoscope off of his chest.

"A generator must be down. It isn't anything to worry about." I assure, resuming my work. Abruptly, Izzie appears in the doorway, panting.

"Alex. And George. In the elevator. Open heart surgery." She speaks in between deep inhales. Eyes widening, I rush my motions.

"Okay, Mr. Swaminathan. You'll be fine. Everything seems normal!" I'm out the door as soon as the words leave my lips. Dashing to the elevator, I stop short as the first sight I see is a scalpel being passed between Dr. Burke and Alex. Izzie grips my hand, with fear or admiration. I can't tell. I swallow as Alex doesn't do anything. He just stands there, staring at the hard metal as if it'll bite. My eyes squeeze shut, not being able to look. Just take the scalpel, Karev. Take it. Breathing short, shallow breaths, I can't imagine what they're feeling in there if this is the way I'm feeling out here. George gives up on Alex.

"Hell, Alex. I'll do it." he grabs the scalpel, and Alex hesitates to squeeze the ventilator. His eyes stay down, but I know what he's feeling. Humiliated, useless. Stupid. A twinge of guilt runs through me as a thought pops up. He deserves it. I turn away, anxiety spiking. Dr. Burke feeds George concise directions. My heart rate relaxes as the cheer that arises five minutes later melts all of my fear. I poke my head through the gap in the elevator, a wide grin on my face.

"George, that was incredible." I praise. My head swivels to face Karev, but he doesn't even look at me. I can't stop myself from feeling smug, and then I peel myself away from the scene. I'm not a monster. Izzie tugs me aside.

"Don't you feel bad for him?" she sympathizes.

"He's a surgeon. Alex needs to get over it."

"He's scared, just like us." she gazes at him over my shoulder.

"You are so into him." I gag.

"I'm his friend. Friend! You just have to get to know him."

"I'd really rather not." She just rolls her eyes at me, and I shrug with feigned innocence.

Slamming my locker door shut, I lean against the hard metal, barely able to keep my eyes open. The room seems to be abandoned, and I'm grateful for it. I've had enough screaming and talking and people for the day. Clanging echoes from the other side of the room, and I'm jolted out of my reverie. Somebody seems to be having a day just as terrible as mine. Creeping out of the hallways, I stop myself. What if they just don't want my advice? Hesitating, I teeter in the shadows of the dimly lit room. On one hand, someone might need someone to talk to. On the other, maybe they just want to be left alone. The two ideas wrestle in my mind before I decide to simply slip out unnoticed. Tugging my cardigan tighter around me, I lean on the door. I stop dead as I hear my name being called. Shit. Recognizing the voice, I consider ignoring me before pivoting and facing him.

"Charlotte?" he calls again.

"Satan himself." I deadpan. Alex falls silent and my forehead creases. What is his deal? I turn around once more to leave, unbothered.

"Wanna know what's fucked up?"

"You."

"That I couldn't hold a scalpel." he continues as if he never heard me. "That I stood there like an idiot. That all George did was plug a hole with his finger and he's a goddamn hero."