Keep the Storm Clouds Back

I Never Seen A Smile That Looked So Sad

Note: parts written like this are *flashbacks*

After running out of the room with Steven, I had demanded that Jim give me a room to myself. I was lightheaded from the alcohol and pretty much put of it, but even so, I needed to be alone. I laid down on the comforter and felt a tear roll down my cheek. I was so confused about everything that had just happened. I could hear muffled yelling coming from another room. I knew that the voices belonged to Joe and Steven. I couldn't figure out why I'd let things go as far as they did between Steven and I. Surely he didn't really care about me. Then it hit me: he was just trying to use me for sex. Of course. That was it. Why else had he given me so much booze and been so nice to me? Suddenly I felt even worse and I knew it was because of how much the thought of Steven using me hurt. I felt like a dumb little girl that needed her parents' guidance. And really, that's what I was. A stupid little runaway girl with nowhere to go, thinking she's smarter than everyone else. Well look where that got me. 

A gentle knock on the door tore me from my self-depricating thoughts. I tried to ignore it but whoever it was persisted with another gentle knock. 

"Who is it?" I growled.

They cleared their throat and said, "It's Joey...can I talk to you?" 

I was taken by surprise that Joey would come to my room. I had barely even talked to him during our stay at the motel. But I could already tell he was a real sweetheart. 

"Sure; come in" I said, sitting up on the bed. I quickly wiped away the tears and tried to make myself look like I was fine, which I most certainly was not. 

He came in and closed the door behind him. A few steps into the room he stopped and said, "Look, I just wanted to tell you that Steven didn't mean to hurt you okay?" He looked a little said, like he meant what he was saying. 

I sighed. If only that was true. Of course Steven's best friend would say that. 

"I don't think that's true. I was so stupid to have drank that much Jack..." I trailed off, unsure of what else to say. I was embarrassed being in Joey's presence. 

Joey walked in a little more and sat down in a big chair that was sat in the corner of the room. "He's been...going through hell, honestly. Ever since him and Erin broke up. It pretty much seemed like she was only with him for money and that really broke Steven's heart. He's just looking for someone to genuinely love him." 

Joey's little speech was getting to me. I felt the wall that I had tried to build up to block my feelings for Steven crumbling. It was no use. The truth was I would always love Steven moret than anyone else. 

"I love him" I blurted. I thought about everything that had made me utterly infatuated with him. His completely upbeat attitude. His jokes. His controlling and bossy personality. His fashion-sense. His smile. His eyes. His thoughts on life and insight on the world. And then his voice and the pure, raw emotion he put into his songs. They had gotten me through some of the worst times of my life. I suddenly remembered being fifteen and sitting alone on the toilet in the bathroom at my house, crying. 

The tears streamed out of my eyes seemingly endlessly. I didn't know what to do. I felt like no one in the world loved me and no one ever would. I felt like exactly what my drunk father had just told me I was: a mistake. One big mistake that should have never grown up past the age of three. My father's words rang through my mind, torturing me. I had no escape  from them: "You worthless bitch! You can't do anything without fucking it up! I don't even know why you're still here or how I haven't killed you already." He had spat. "Look at this shit! You get your god damn ass up to your room and stay out of my sight."  He ended his speech on my worthlessness with a hard slap to my cheek. I didn't cry though. I wouldn't cry in front of him. 

All that because I burned dinner. Oops. 

Maybe it was true. Maybe I would be better of dead. If I was, he'd be happier and so would I. Terrible thoughts like those were hammering through my mind until I shot up off the toilet and ripped open the medicine cabinet. I knocked things over, pursuing the one thing I needed. The one thing that would make everything better. 

I found the smooth silver blade on the top shelf and smiled, internally. This was it.

As the blade tore my skin I sighed in pain, hoping that this would make my dad happy. 

The last thing I remember was hearing Steven's sweet voice belting out the lyrics to Angel:

"You're my aaangel

Come and save me toniiiiiiiight"

and as I laid on the floor, seconds from passing out, I knew that somehow I would be okay that night. Something had saved me and I wasn't sure what. 

I shuddered at the painful memory I'd just experienced. My thumb rubbed the now smooth, scarred-over lines on my left forearm. I guess Joey noticed me doing this because he looked up and said, "What're those?" His voice was full of suspicion. He knew. 

I pulled the sleeve of my cardigan down, concealling what I knew he'd already seen. I looked away from him, unable to face him. I had always been embarrassed of the scars I'd inflicted on myself. 

He persisted, asking again, "Sandra, how did you get those?" 

"Looks like Steven and I are both a little broken, huh?" 

After that Joey got up and gave me a hug. It was a warm, fatherly kind of hug. Completely different to when Steven hugged me. Steven's hugs were desperate and full of lust and need. 

"I need to talk to Steven. Hopefully Joe's done screaming at him." Joey said, leaving the room. I didn't want him to tell Steven. I didn't want him to know how his music had saved my life. That was a pathetic thought. How could music save your life? But it had. 

A few minutes later Steven came in my room. He was looking down at the floor. I felt bad for him. After realizing again just how much he meant to me, I felt like I'd hurt him. 

"I'm sorry..." we both said at the same time.

A smiled tugged at both our cheeks as he walked toward me and sat down just inches from where I was. He reached for my scarred arm.

"Let me see." He said in the softest, sweetest voice I'd ever heard. 

It took me a second to decide, but I pulled up my sleeve and revealed my weakness. He took my arm in his hand and leant down, and left a kiss on each of the red lines. I shivered at his touch and felt a tear stream down from my eye.

"You saved me Steven. When I was fifteen. Your singing saved me." I blurted out to him, fully aware of how stupid that sounded. 

I could see his beautiful eyes welling up and suddenly I smiled. He made me feel like everything was okay, okay enough where I could smile. He smiled too, and hugged me. The embrace lasted for probably three minutes. He whispered in my ear, singing "I never seen a smile that looked so sad..."