Underage

[28] I Love You's and Goodbyes

Underage

[28] I Love You's and Goodbyes

I finger the pack of Paul Maul cigarettes. The plastic crinkles in my hands. The sun catches on the green packages and the flap is open. There's a lighter slipped between the plastic carton and the plastic around it. My forearms press into the railing of my balcony. It's nice outside in the morning hours, before the heat presses in and smothers me. I'm still in my silk pajamas and bare feet. Normally, I would still be asleep, but I couldn't seem to stay in dreamland last night. I had small bursts of dreams I can't remember but I know I had.

Birds are chirping, the streetlights are just now flickering off, and there isn't a single car driving on the road. I find myself staring down at the pack of cigarettes as I pass them from one hand to the other. My restless mind needs something to calm it down. But, when I think of lighting up, I tell myself Ethan will never find out. Except I know he would. That boy would smell the smoke the minute I set fire to it.

All I can see is his disappointed face in my mind. His lips pulled down into a frown, his eyes locked on mine, his crinkled nose and his clenched jaw. Then I see the name Evan stitched into his jacket and I'm forced to remember what happened to him. Ethan would hate me if I started smoking again. I glance back at the closed glass doors and I can see his masculine frame still sleeping in my bed.

He's sprawled out underneath my blankets. His arms are taking up the entire bed. The white comforter is low on his stomach, threatening to reveal him. I turn away from him and stare down at the pack of cigarettes in my hands. I flip open the carton, taking a single cigarette out. I hold it between my fingers and take a deep breath. Then I snap it in half.

There are arms wrapping around my waist and lips on my bare shoulder. He's pressed against me, his bare chest touching the thin silk tank top covering me. He's put on boxers and managed to slip out onto the balcony before I even noticed.

"I knew you'd do the right thing."

"You knew?" I ask.

"Like you can hide that from me," he scoffs, moving his lips from my shoulder to my neck. I tilt my head backwards, resting it on him to give him more access to my skin. It sends chills straight down my spine as his tongue licks and nips at the skin below my ear. My knees buckle slightly, his grip on my waist tightening. He's the only thing holding me up. "Plus, those jeans of yours are so tight there was no hiding them in your back pocket."

"Why didn't you say anything?" My voice comes out breathy and he continues his attack on my neck.

Ethan turns me in his arms and presses my back against the railing. "If you decided to not go back to smoking by yourself, without me telling you to quit, then I'd know you wouldn't start up again when I'm gone."

When I'm gone. Those words hit me hard. I don't want him to be gone. I don't want to live a life without him in it, even if that means we go back to just being friends. Even if that means I can't go on dates with him and have him in my bed. I would give up being his girlfriend if he would just stay in my life. He's become too big of a part of it for him to just be gone.

"I don't want you to leave."

It's the most I've said about the topic since graduation, since I agreed to his stupid clause. I hate it. I hate not talking about where we're going to be, come fall. I hate not knowing if he's going to leave me or not, But I know he is, because he'd be stupid to stay in some small junior college when he's been accepted into major schools. Which I know he has. He's too smart not to have at least gotten accepted. Why should he jeopardize his future for me? Why should he put himself on a lower level when we all know fully well that he needs somewhere that will challenge him, because he is smart? And I don't know what he wants to be, or what he wants to major in, but I know he'll be great at whatever he chooses. And he deserves the best. Even if that's not me.