The Art of Living

[54] Rather Sooner Than Later

Mary was already looking at her friend with a big smile, and when Ellie had gotten close enough she whispered, "You guys are so cute together.."

Chuckling a little, Ellie shrugged. "Thank you, I guess.." She didn't really know what else to reply to that, so she didn't say anything.

"I can't believe you kissed him just like that, as if it's not a big deal.." Mary continued, looking at Ellie amazed.

Ellie just smiled a little and shrugged again. "It's not a big deal." It was a really big deal, but she wanted to pretend that it wasn't.

"It is. When was the last time you kissed a guy, just like that, no sex involved?"

Ellie didn't say anything because she knew Mary had a point. The last time she had kissed someone not in the context of sleeping with him had been years ago, with her ex. But admitting that would defeat her efforts of pretending it was not a big deal. "It's not a big deal.. I missed him, and I wanted to kiss him, so I did.. He's a really great kisser, y'know? It would be stupid not to kiss him."

Mary smirked. "You're not stupid, I know that. I don't mean to tease you or anything, I'm just really happy for you. Really happy, because you deserve to have a great guy like him, and he deserves to have a great woman like you. I bet you won't want to admit it, but I think secretly you're loving the whole girlfriend-relationship thing. I think that if you - the real you, the one you like to hide from people - allow yourself to do what you really want, you're going to be the best girlfriend the world has ever seen. I know you're a big romantic deep inside."

"Don't be silly," Ellie said, shaking her head. Even though she knew Mary was right. She just had to get herself to stop putting up an act, especially in front of Brian.

"So," Mary countered. "You're saying that if he ... I don't know, came to meet you at work with a big bunch of flowers and then took you out on an amazing surprise date, you wouldn't love it?"

"Who wouldn't love that?" Ellie asked, trying to supress a smile.

"Well, the you from two weeks ago wouldn't. I'm sure of that. You would have told him to get real and stop trying to land with you, you wouldn't take the flowers and you definitely wouldn't go on that surprise date with him." Ellie tried to protest, but Mary didn't let her. "You know I'm right, stop trying to deny it. You know that's true. It's a fact."

It was a fact. Ellie knew that. But she was a little embarrassed that other people knew that too. She still didn't like it if other people could read her like a book. Except maybe Brian, but only Brian, and no one else, not even Mary or Lynn. She knew why that was the case, she only wanted them to know what she told them. And she told them a lot, so it should be fine, but apparently they were able to guess even what Ellie didn't necessarily want them to know.The more people knew about her, the more power they had over her. And Ellie wanted to decide who had how much power over her. The more she trusted someone, the more she let them know, and the more power they had over her. But when she couldn't control that anymore, it scared her. She didn't like losing control like that.

"And because you're not saying anything, I'm guessing I'm right.." Mary looked at her. "Sometimes you're still a mystery to me. I'm one of your closest friends, right? Why don't you feel like you can tell me stuff like that? I'm not going to make fun of you or anything, you know?"

She was right. Ellie knew that. Lynn was the one would maybe make fun of her, but not Mary, never. But still. Ellie sighed and shrugged. "I know, but... it's just embarrassing.. I hate that."

"Why do you think it's embarrassing? It's not embarrassing, it's wonderful and completely natural."

"I know, but I hate it if people make a big deal out of things, you know? If I am with Brian because I want to be with Brian, then that my business, mine and his, and I don't need everyone I meet to go 'ohhhh look at that, Ellie has a boyfriend, who would have thought that? How is it? Isn't it wonderful, didn't we tell you it would be wonderful?'" She sighed. "I don't need that at all."