After Mark

Chapter 2- What now?

I cried myself to sleep that night. Nothing made sense. All I knew was that I felt hurt and broken, like some part of me had been taken away for good.
The next morning I felt like I was on automatic mode. I had to tell myself what to do.

Now you have to get up Sean. Now you have to get dressed Sean. Now you have to brush your teeth Sean.

I hadn't cried that morning, I don't think I had any tears left in me. I felt like a hollow shell, emptied of all my own feelings, thoughts and emotions. So I continued down the automatic path, until I was stuck.

Now you have to go downstairs and see the others Sean.

Going downstairs would mean seeing Mark. And no matter how hard I tried I just couldn't. I knew I would burst into tears at the sight of him. So I didn't go. I ignored all the texts and calls coming in, eventually turning my phone on silent. The others didn't know my hotel room and I wasn't planning on telling them any time soon.

I don't know how long I waited in that room, just sitting on the bed, only moving every so often to go to the bathroom, or to check the time. Eventually the cleaning ladies came, and I had to leave. But where should I go?

Not downtown I thought. And it's still another day until the flight home from LA to Ireland, so I can't go to the airport now. What do I do?!

So I just spent the day on the rooftop of the hotel, gazing out at the city of LA, and watching the other couples around me laugh and talk and kiss. Living their happy lives, with their happy families.

Why not me? I wondered. What's wrong with me?

But I didn't have to ask, because I already knew the answer. It was simple. But it broke my heart.

I wasn't a girl.