"your paintings are really great though" he said wandered around my room. This is why i dont like people in my room, it always gives me anxiety. I always get anxiety.
I'm just sitting in my bed, watching him describing my paintings that mostly contain what i feel on the lake on that day. i just nodded and mumble a small thank you everytime he praises the small detail i put into it.
I care so much about my paintings, and i am willing to spend anytime with it. Every wrong strokes, Every different color, i always fixed it. i dont want any flaw in it. I know that is wrong, i know that mistakes is fine. But i just dont to damaged what i love so much. Just like my relationship with tyler..
I just honestly dont know what he feels about me now.
i'm always afraid to talk to him. Its been forever since i've talked with him. It aches whenever i realized that he's literally my brother. At least thats what he is to me.
"hey, kelsey?" Josh is already beside me, putting his gigantic hand on my shoulder. i always feel small around him. His eyes shows pity, those curved eyebrow. do i look really pathetic? "you okay? you're a little bit teary, am i too much?"
"oh, ah, no, josh, thank you so much. I'm fine" i said putting his hands down and start touching his sleeve. That tattoo always calms me down, it so.. soft, and it gives so much meaning to me. The tree, the little galaxies around it, the wild colors. i always wanted a tattoo. "i just miss tyler y'know"
he chuckles, "yeah, i know, dude." he says, watching me caress his arms. "ashley always begs me to come home, but this is work, and i-i miss her too" i look up and he's staring at the painting of the lake. That time the lake has a really beautiful stars above it and i just feel like i could see the galaxies beyond it, so i ran home to bring a canvas and my paintings supplies and get back to the lake and i honestly spend the night there. The wind came so hard that i spilled the sapphire paint, but it makes a hell of beautiful strokes and textures. it makes me love the lake more.
"can i have a tattoo of that?" he points and my eyes literally beamed. i nodded and he took a picture of it. "this would be so cool. thank you so much"
After that he spends his time on my bed playing his phone, responding to some of my friends tweet because i told him to because i know they would be hella happy. Ashley calls him and he goes out of the room. I wish i could be like that. i wish Tyler would miss me.
Anyway, i need to finish the book. i scanned a few of my drawings that katie chose and print it out. I stared at the 'A Car, A Torch, A Death' for a moment. 'He crept in her room and stayed there for a night.' Mom told me that its refers to me. I didnt believed it. But the more i listen to the song. It really did. However i couldn't describe how it does.
i put the prints, frame by frame, pages by pages, and its done. I already made a card to send my thank you for them. Then i put my initial in the bottom of the last page. I just put K.A so they wouldn't know that its me.
"Kels! They're home!" josh shouts from downstairs. My heart pounds, either nervously or excitedly. I put the book in my bag and ran downstair. Josh helps me clean the family room while they park the car. When they're on the porch, i hide in the bathroom for a while. My heart is beating abruptly, everything seems so fast and i feel like throwing up, but i cant, cause i haven't ate yet.
I sat quietly on the toilet and control my breathing for a while. Why do i have to be so extra.
after my breathing finally controlled, i get up and wash my face, i check my appearence for a few seconds, looks depressed as fuck, but its fine.
I got out of the bathroom to see the family already gathered around in the living room, i notice that jordan come along too, there he is. "hey, anyone, want a drink?" i said interrupting what ever they're talking about. real smooth, kels, your barista really showing up, nice job.
"oh kelsey! yes please, i'll just have a cold water, thank you" Mom mocks me and i just smiles. "actually, we all just have cold water" She looks around and nod at me.
"okay then, be right back." I turn a round and went to the kitchen. I. did. not. look. at. tyler. at. all.
that's an improvement.
cause i'll cry.
so i'll try.
shizzly shakalaka, rhyming really is in the joseph's vein.
i grab a big jar and fill it with cold water from the refrigerator, i also grab a few plastic cups and went back, trying so hard not to spill anything.
"... she's so good at starbucks tho, i've seen her once, oh hey kels!" mom was talking about me i know, she got up and helped me with cups and put it down on the coffee table. I sat beside josh and the family continue talking. I played with josh's faded yellow hair while he focused with his phone, playing some kind of rpg game.
"so, kels, you really dont want a ride for tomorrow?" Jenna asks again and the others went silent.
"oh no, really, th-"
"jenna, i already told you about this" tyler whispered to her. looking annoyed, like the basement.
"but you never told me why." she argued. The couple argued with each other. i broke the moment. i broke the happiness.
i stood up, josh looks up at me "hey-hey, guys, its fine, i-i already have plan with a friend anyway." i said yanking the sleeve on my shirt. i dont like this.
"see? she's fine! i-"
"tyler!"
i ran upstairs to my room and shut the door slowly as possible, trying not to seem so upset. I slide down the door, roughly pulling my hair, sobbing as hard as could, giving in. "kelsey" Josh's voice isn't clear. i haven't stopped hiccuping, i couldnt talk, this is why i dont like to cry. i fucking hate crying, i feel like suffocating, choked by my own body. i want it to end. all of this.
"kels, please," he knocks softly while i hear mom shouting downstairs. "i need help with this game, you're the only genius i know" he says and i smile a little.
nerd
i wiped all my tears and fixed my hair a little, and open the door, he smiles and come in. "just kidding, i know how it works, but i have some cat memes, i'm afraid you wont let me in cause i know you're a dog person"
i laughed and close the door. josh walks to my bed and slump himself on it. i joined him and lay my head on his tattoo. "you're fine, tyler's just jealous" i nodded and try to calm myself down. "you know, whenever i mention that you're an amazing artist, he would say 'whatever josh, i'm better than her' and then he hates me for 10 minutes and then he would come to me with a drawing of a giraffe drinking a cola, i mean, uh, yeah, okay, i couldn't say no to him anyway"
i laughed and he looks happy. i can finally calm down and talk "oh really?"
"oh yeah, trust me, you're a bizzilion way over him" he said waving his hand across the air. i sat up and wiped my perfectly round glasses. i smiles and mumble a thank you. he smiles and put his hand on his chest and mumble back a you're welcome.
"i knew i'm a good friend" he cross his hand and lay his head on it. proud of himself.
i chuckled, "yeah, you are"
