My Childhood

my past

When I was a young girl of the age of nine, I had already fallen in love. It felt odd I was confused but I knew I liked him very much. I was fine knowing that I did but I was embarrassed. If the others ever found out It would be the end. Jealousy was my everyday life as I watched him play with my siblings. It was unnatural, it was strange to feel this strongly. But I couldn't help the desire to make him want me or to even need me.

His name was Jacob, he was are childhood friend. Neighbor to be more specific. He had a sister named Arial and four cousins that lived near them, they came over everyday. Branden the oldest, the middle cousin Cody a harsh lame and stupid meany head, and Tristan the youngest those three were brothers. The fourth one was a different cousin named jeramy he was the same age as my sister.

Than my family, the talkative one Jasmin the oldest about eleven years old same age as jacob, Alex my one year older than me brother, me who was never really that talkative, my younger about seven years old brother tony and my little five year old sister paradise.

The change of getting a little sister was hard. I didnt like her, she who so openly stood by his side hugging on him. I was jealous, I was worried that when she grew up he would fall in love with her. It pained me but I would give up if it was for his happyness.

It was a scary change. We got a new sister and we apparently had two more just one year younger. My parents were my grandparents that adopted us and are biological mom abandoned us, dad not in the picture; she wasn't fit to take care of us. But I love my grandparents that I don't see as grandparents there my mom and dad. And these new feelings I had for the boy that was a few years older.

I never cared for age differences if it was love, it's love. But of course being an adult liking children that's wrong. 16 and older pretty sure they know what there doing is wrong.

But there was a little gap I must admit. I was the young one who fell in love. We all would play everyday. Sometimes play house, sometime tag. They would play are little girlish games than to the fun active games. He would shine brighter than everyone else. His smile beat an angel's in comparison. I was fully devoted to him.

My family would always talk to them as though they belonged.  I the outcast with my dirty and corrupted mind. I didnt fit. Arial and Jasmin would give me looks of disgust as all of jasmin friends tend to do. I who was never girlish enough could not understand why they looked at me that way, talked to me so uninterested for me to stay around. Even Cody who was understanding to females and was jasmin friend treated me as a bother.

To ignore it all, I played with them even if they gave me the look. Cody who would say harsh words. It hurt but I was in love. I didnt care about what those people thought if me I just wanted to stay by Jacobs side.

Even if it was as a background character.

One day I had mustered the courage to tell my most trusted siblings, Jasmin and Alex that I had a crush on jacob.

They acted all surprised.

But they already knew, they all already knew. The next day I was confronted by the mob of my friends and siblings. They were all talking happily. But I couldn't hear. I asked what they were talking about when they changed the subject. I who was standing in the middle had gotten asked the question I didn't want to hear the most. I was self-conscious, I wasn't pretty, I was small and chubby, I was still to young, I was scared.

"Do you like jacob?" Jeramy with his straight forwardness asked.

What...I panicked I wasn't ready for this. I looked at my sister and my brother with such disbelief. "YOU TOLD THEM!" My heart beating faster, pain squeezing my chest. I stood there looking back at Jacob. Tears rolled down my face. "No I didn't say anything" Jasmin said. "I didn't tell them" Alex said.

"Sure you didn't" I was wiping away my tears but they kept filling my face.

"I do, so what" I cried. They were  shocked at my decomposer. But I answered them with all my might.

"But he's so much older" they said.

"I don't care. I like him even if he was older I would still like him" terrified I said those last words to them still sobing.

It was quite and all I could here was my own sobbing. Jasmin tried to comfort me but I pushed her away. I pushed them all away. I ran inside. To only meet my mother at the door. She saw me crying and only smiled laughing at me. Yelling at them playfully as my heart felt like it was shattering. I ran further into the house. Never again, never again will I leave my room. As I cried and I cried. And how I kept that promise. From that day I never went outside when they were playing over. Not even when they asked for me to come. They eventually stoped asking and I continued to hold on to this painful memory and regret. Love became sadness, trust became untrustworthy, and I became unreachable.

Do I regret not hearing them out? yes

Do I wish to ask Jacob what he thought of me back then? Yes

Did I trust my sister and my brother after? No not even my mother for awhile. I kept it inside.

Why is it to late? Because he's married now to a very lovely girl who stole his heart when I traumatized it.

But even if I stayed or it was brought up a different way. It wouldn't have changed anything. I who was to afraid to be hated ran. To upset to listen. It was the enviable outcome of are paths. Because I was a coward.