EreRi Oneshots and Drabble

I Miss You...

Okay so this is my first entry for this book. I wrote this while I'm in my Statistics class. Sue me.

Also, a lot of oneshots that are going to be published here are mostly sad. If you've been a reader of mine long ago, you already know that.

A bit of trigger warning in here, by the way. If you're easily triggered, please refrain from reading this.

Other than that, enjoy!

*****

It has been so long since I last saw you, been so long since I last heard your voice, your laugh. It has been so long since I heard you say those three words that gave life to me. It had been too long but I can still remember your warmth, your smell, the taste of your lips. Indeed, it has been so long my love, but I still miss you.

Every night when I am alone, I can see you in my thoughts. The memories of you, of us, of what we shared, it's there, replaying in my mind unconsciously. It's like a movie stored in a broken disk that kept on playing on and on and on. Bittersweet. If I have to give a name to this feeling I get whenever I think of you, of us, that is what I'd give to it.

The memories of our first date, first kiss, the nights we spent cuddled together, I miss those days. I miss the way I fit perfectly with your body when you insisted on spooning me, miss the way your hands envelope mine when we held hands, your tan skin complimenting mine like milk and chocolate. I wouldn't forget the look your face had when I said 'yes' to your proposal, the bliss we both felt when we got married. Remembering these leave me in a dream-like state, but I couldn't find it in myself to care, didn't want to get out it that means that I'll be with you again.

How could I not notice it? Why am I so oblivious to the fact that you're hurting? Why wasn't I able to save you from the grave that you're slowly been digging before we even met?

I should've seen it coming. I should've foresaw it in the way you acted before it all happened, before my life become permanently painted in black and grey. I should've helped you get better, should've saved you from the claws or your demons, but I didn't. I'm too blind, too unaware, too oblivious from your pain, from the overwhelming hurt and despair that kick started all of this. And noe you're gone, forever unreachable, and it's all because or me. It's my fault, and now I'm the one who's suffering.

Will I ever be able to repay you when everything you've ever done is help me and bring warmth and colors to my world? No. I wouldn't. I couldn't. Because with you gone, it's impossible. I couldn't be with you again and that's what's killing me the most.

The memory of you laying on your own pool of blood on the bathroom floor, dead eyes wide open with your body cold, is still etched on my mind, too surreal to even be called a pigment of my imagination. The stench of blood was nauseating, the sight of you lifeless was horrifying, but I couldn't move my body. It felt like I was set in place by the universe itself, wanting me to absorb the event, the sight of my husband, the one I offered my life to, laying on the floor with his life taken away by his own hands.

I felt numb when I called for help, watching you with my face and mind blank as they take your body to the hospital. I didn't cry. I found out that I couldn't. The pain was too overwhelming, to the point where I could only feel the thrum of it as it made my whole body numb.

Your friends, your sister, they cried for you. Wept for hours on end, until they an out of tears, but I didn't. I felt so cruel, being unable to shed tears on the death of the love of my life, the one who holds my heart. It lasted until the day you were buried six feet under the ground, forever gone from us.

But that night, as I lay on the cold bed alone missing your presence, it came all at once. The guilt, the longing, the pain, it all came, flooding me, drowning me. And for the first time in a long time, I cried, each tear shed making my chest heavier.

It felt like a large part of me died when you did. You are my love, my soul mate, my other half. The one who made living in this cruel world better, the one who ended the never ending blizzard going on in my heart. The one I offered my life and heart to. You were my summer, my sun, my air, the sole reason as to why my heart beats. The one who found and gave home to my lost soul.

But when you left, you brought it all with you. And now I'm once again a lost soul, without a sun to warm me up, without air to breathe, without a heartbeat to live. I have lost my home, my safe haven. My universe lies in you, but now with you gone, I'm nothing more than a dust in the air, floating around with no destination.

But in the end, in the last page of the book, in the last breath you take, I'm really the one at fault. If only I saw the light draining from your eyes, if only I'm not naïve enough to think that I would be enough to chase all your demons away. If only I saw how much you are hurting, would I be able to save you from the judgement you made?

It hurts to think about what we could be now, what we will become in the future if you have lived, if I was able to save you the way you saved me. But I couldn't really blame you for you had experienced enough. A person could only endure so much before they snap.

I miss you...

I felt like I'm losing my sanity, my grip on reality slowly slipping out of my grasp. Still, I kept holding on, with the memories of you acting as my anchor.

I miss you...

It has been so long my love, yet I still miss you. I still love you just as much as I did yesterday.

I miss you...

I want to be with you again. I want to acquaint myself with your presence, your warmth, your ever so comforting scent.

I miss you and even though I know that it's impossible, I want you back.

I miss you, my love.