summer camp.

18

Millies pov

✧

Do you know what it's like to look death in the eyes? Do you know what it's like to not care? Do you know what it's like to be the one holding the killer to your own head? To have so much control of your past, present, and future? And by simply pulling a trigger, everything would go away.

I never knew how it felt, to feel so low. So desperate and so hopeless. It's like I forgot about everything, even the important things back home. My friends, my house, my family. Even the more specific things like the way the house smells on Sunday morning when mom makes pancakes for the family. Or the way Sadie used to throw herself on my bed and we'd binge watch Twilight all night. The way I feel when I get an A on a test or sit on the swing outside the library and read.

I hadn't thought about these things, life outside camp. I've been so stuck in the issues I have here and what's going on, that I totally forgot about how amazing life was before I came. I loved camp, well, I used to love camp but not anymore. I hate this place and the memories that haunt it. I hate the stupid cabins and Sadie and I's stupid spot. I hate it all.

Maybe I don't want to die. Maybe I want this place to die.

"Millie...please..."

My attention is brought back to the boy who is standing in front of me. His arms are out in front of him, reaching over to me hesitantly. The tears that roll down his face don't seem to slow down and they haven't since they started.

Finn.

I do love Finn, so much. I do want to be with Finn, so much. But I have to leave because I can't do this anymore. I can't live this life.

I sigh deeply before pulling away from the trigger, releasing my grip and letting the gun fall to the ground. It makes a loud thud as it falls against the rock and I look down to it, not regretting my decision.

Finn immediately plunges forward, wrapping his arms around me. Sadie starts running over too, while the other two other boys go to Jack and Wyatt.

"Get the fuck out of here" Caleb says harshly to the two. Jack and Wyatt start running off into the woods, leaving us four. Finn hasn't let go of me, he's crying into my neck and rubbing my back. Sadie is just standing here with her hands on her hips trying to suck it up like a big girl but I know she'll start bawling any second.

Caleb picks up the gun off of the ground and looks at me.

"Did you want to do it?" he asks. Finn pulls away and looks at my face, joining the rest in waiting for my response.

"...no."

Finn sighs and Caleb looks down. I couldn't tell if they believed me or not but no one questioned.

"Let's go back" Finn says softly, grabbing my hand and lacing our fingers together. I nod and start to follow him as we walk back the way we came.

The others don't follow, which I'm glad because I need to talk to Finn about something.

-

"Millie?"

I look up at Finn, who is staring at me carefully.

"Yes?"

"May I?" he asks, holding a damp cloth up.

I nod and he starts to gently wipe away the dried tears and sweat of my face. The cloth is cool and soothing so I close my eyes as he lightly runs in over my heated skin. He stops and brings his fingers up to my face, tucking a few pieces of hair behind my ears. I open my eyes and stare into his, not feeling the need to be bashful and look down. His fingers run down my face until they drop, reaching over to the side of the bed and picking up one of his T shirts.

"Here" he says, handing it to me.

I accept and look down at the shirt and then back to him.

"Yours is dirty" he says, gesturing to the three-day old shirt that I threw on before the events this morning.

"And?"

He raises an eyebrow. "Okay then."

I smile slightly and he looks down at his finger that is tracing patterns on the bedsheets. There is a moment of silence and I feel now is my chance to tell him what I need to do.

"Finn, I'm leaving."

He looks up.

"What?"

"I'm going home. I'm calling my mom later. I can't stay-"

"Millie, there's only four weeks left! I'll never see you..." he trails off at the realization that this isn't about him.

"Finn...I'm leaving. I hate this place."

He looks back down and bites his lip, shaking his head.

"I'm never coming back" I say.

"Okay."

He looks back up. His expression is hurt and I almost feel bad but I wouldn't change my mind. Not in a million years.

"I love you, Millie."

My expression softens at his confession that I've heard before, but I still treasure it like it's the first time he's said it.

"I love you, too."

I crawl closer to him and stand on my knees, throwing my legs over his crossed ones and sitting on his lap. His hands go to my back, pulling me into a tight hug and I wrap my arms around his neck. Our chests are pressed together closely, so close I can feel the pressure of his fast heart beat against mine. I dig my face into his neck, enjoying the way his soft hair felt against my forehead and how he smelt like a mix of stale cigarettes and grass.

We sat there, tangled up in each other's arms and not speaking. Just enjoying the silence and our heavy breaths. I start to long for more contact, something different. Maybe it's the fact that I feel like shit or maybe it's the fact that I may never see Finn again. I may never see my first love again.

I pull away from him, still keeping close, and his hands fall down my back. He looks at me and I smile sadly, knowing he's thinking the same thing I am. I put my hand to his face, gently moving his curly hair back before I lean my mouth down to his. Our lips hover for a moment, contemplating if this is actually a good an idea. Fuck it.

I press against him again, closing the little space between us, and bringing my hand to the back of his head. I let out a sigh as our lips touch and then connect, performing a dance that we've grown so used to.

His breaths come out heavier as I run my fingers through his hair and he begins moving his hands lower down my back. I bring my other hand to his face, changing the position of my lips on his. I began to pull away slowly when his hands starts to trail the bottom of my shirt. He realizes it's too bold of a move, especially with the current situation and stops, bringing his hands back up to my face.

"I love you so much" he says.

"Finn, I love you too, but-"

"But?" he questions, frowning.

My face also drops into a frown when I realize I have to be the one to say it.

"This was just a summer fling."