Real Life Problems

Blessed <3

There was a message on Facebook from my friend Sam telling about a certain scenario.  She talks and says, "Ever wanted to kill yourself?  Think about this..."  And she goes onto explain IF you were to kill yourself.  She talked about your little brother finding you, then him telling daddy that you won't wake up and mommy won't stop crying.  Everyone gets Depression, your teachers all quit their jobs, the bullies have eating disorders, your ex doesn't know how to love so he sleeps around, the guy that bullied you cuts as well, your mom and dad's marriage fell apart because dad became a work-a-holic and mom got Depression and never gets out of bed, your brother grows up and finds out about how you died and does the same thing you did for years leading to your suicide, and your best friend killed herself.  All of my friends that have read that and we have shared our opinions about it...we all cried.  There were many more things in Sam's short story...but all of my friends have felt like killing themselves (maybe not all) but I know I have.  I have been shattered by people.  I have loved people so much, but they never loved back.  Whether it be friendships or "Married Love", I was still always left behind like I was unimportant.  When my best friend left me about six months ago (I still have mental breakdowns about her and I had one last night good thing two of my friends were there to comfort me) that really hit me hard...  She broke me down and literally a week later she left me.  I don't blame her, it was my fault.  I was not good enough to meet to her standards as a person and I was unbearable to live with because she was my whole world, but after she left I shut everything out again.  I know I am terrible.

     Then, I started to realise others that were around me.  I have been feeling down lately because this guy that would make me laugh no matter what has been kind of Emotional Tired...and he hasn't been talking with me.  But, this past Sunday, I gave up "Married Love".  It has made me numb.  I thought an anti-depresent would make me numb, turns out giving up on love does that...who could have thought?  But!  Ever since she left me it left me in a critical state.  I wanted to kill myself so many times, I wrote all over my legs cause I promised God I would not cut (even when it got so hard to like Christmas I would scream sobbing, "I DON'T WANT TO BREAK YOUR PROMISE!") I still do that from time to time, I have a rubber band SPECIFICALLY for when I WANT to cut, I write all over my arms, I feel worthless, I feel unimportant, I wanted to go Home, I tried to find a pill bottle when I found out she said "I just wish Rachel would just get out of my life" good thing my best friend Br***** talked me out of it, and I had that walk.  Yes, it was six months ago, but it feels like yesterday.  Her leaving me gave me doubts about ANY and EVERY relationship.  I was terrified to even TALK to people cause I thought me talking was controlling.  I say sorry over everything I do because I am scared that someone would get offended by ANYTHING I say.  Then...I started turning to God.  Since I hate change (even though her leaving me had GOOD aspects on my life) God is very consistent.  He does NOT change for anything or anyone, and I love that.  I became best friends with God and He saved me.  My friends had a part as well but when I was looking for that pill bottle and Br***** texted me.  His words were, "Don't you want to live for your God?".  Wow...a NON Christian told ME that?  I was humiliated, I went to God and I was just so heart-broken.  He healed me though, He forgives.  God gives second chances.  He saves "Forgive seventy times seven"  no that is not literal, it means every time you forgive, you should have a clean slate.  When I went to Reformers Unanimous (an addictions program or for any stronghold like I have Depression) I was so down because my dad was mad at me and I thought he just thought I was unimportant because Im a Christian, so I got so down, I left all my things and walked up the hill to the Spanish church.  I was having a mental breakdown the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME through the crowds of people and up the hill.  I sang Lost by Micheal Buble as I was sobbing and praying not to just walk off somewhere (like I did the other day and got lost) but I just sat there crying.  One the way back down to the program, I said "Lord, You better send someone again because if you don't, I am going to meet you f=very soon" and I got down there, and Mrs. Sindi, (I call her Aunt Nam cause her actual name is Chong Nam Phi Xin Shin and she is my family that I have known for eight years) she wanted to talk to me and I gave her the letter I wrote to God when I was at school and had ANOTHER mental breakdown ( I used to have them every night when My Best Friend left me) and it talked about killing myself because everyone would leave me and that my very exisitence to my old best friend was a burden and that I was unimportant and terrible for her to even know that I am alive (Don't ever say about someone "I just wish they would get out of my life"  It does a lot.  Think before you say, because if you have lied and try to take something like that back, it doesn't work.  The damage is done)  and Aunt Nam told me, "You know that Jesus killed Himself for you to live?"  And that struck me so hard that I cried again.  Why is it that I feel terrible all the time even though to my Best Friend, Creator of the Universe< loves me more thatn I or anyone could love me...?  He takes care of me and I threaten to kill myself?!  What's wrong with me?!  Then, He sent my friends.

     Beckie-chan has told me "Even if you don't believe in yourself, I believe in you," I loved that.  That made me so happy and later I told her the same thing.  She told me she would never leve me, and she is clingy like me! ^>^ just what I needed!  A clingy person like MEEEE (I am the clingiest person you will ever meet)  And my friend Haven had told me "I could never leave you," which made me love her even more.  She was on the phone with me that night I tried to find a pill bottle, and she just sang to me.  If I had given up right there and not listened to Br***** then I would have never heard that singing again.  Then, Olivia (not saying any last names or any profile names or anything cause of privacy but they deserve to be named at least the first one excpet Br***** because he is just different) Olivia gave me so much of her positivity and made me feel special in many ways ^>^ She even made me a home made dream catcher when I was having weird and scary dreams and I couldn't sleep at night.  She respects me and my religion and that makes me even more happy.  Then we have Bryson, he is amazing.  I helped him with his dark thoughts, and in return he helps me when I feel terrible; it's like we are there for each other and he tells me "That's what friends are for" he hasn't left my side either.  Journey listened to me talk and told me I wasnt annoying even though I act like a lost puppy with her around (I love you! ^.^ text me sometime Imma be getting a new phone soon so this one won't have seizures!) but I love that she doesn't get annoied by me and she said I always had something positive to say... ^~^ eheh...
um...Kenna!  I had gotten closer with Kenna here recently and she might punch me when she reads this...but I love Kenna.  We are so much alike it is seriously insane (heh we are insane am I right?)  But she is always there for me and she told me " I'm stuck with you," and I am so glad she said that.  It was like " I will never get tired of you."  Lastily, my friend Haileigh( I don't have enough room for everyone's names) but she told me "You can tell me anything anytime," and that made me feel like I can rant to her whenever I want (which will be more often because of me getting a new phone) and I can just cry on her shoulder and she won't just brush me off.  

     I love all of my friends, and I can not thank you enough.  I thank God everyday that you all love me and deal with me even if I am not the best I can be.  I really pray for you guys to be safe from others as well as yourselves in some cases.  I am so sorry I don't treat you as well as you guys deserve, but I really love you so much.  Other than God, you guys saved me.  When I am around you guys, you make me feel sepcial and I hope I can do the same one day.  Even when I give up on myself, you guys come to pick me up and say "We are always here".  It makes me cry out of joy sometimes.  I don't deserve such patience.  I don;t deserve such amazing people to love me and care.  I thank you guys not only for my life, but for making my life have no empty holes.  Please for the love of everything, take care of yourselves.  Hopefully I will text you all very very soon with my new phone and I can talk to you more.  I LOVE YOU!
Please.  Be safe
~  
<3Rache.