End It

Reality Check

I walked through the door an the yelling hit me like a truck.

I just walked to the stairs. An stoped to look into the living room. My mother already drunk well still drunk since i left yesterday. Yelling at my oldest brother. Probably about getting a job or doing drugs.
I mean 27 an still living at home.
Tatooed an druged up all the time.

My dad was probably out with one of his numerous hoes.
I started up the stairs when my other brother came out of his room. An stoped me.
"Where has your ass been prolly out selling your slut ass!"

I ignored home an pushed past into my room. When i got hit in the back i fell an the air was knocked out of me. I couldnt move it hurt to bad.

"Thats what your dumb ass gets"  he stood over me an then kick me then went down stairs.

I finally got up an walked through the door. Everthing was the way i left it thank god every one was to damn lazy to go into my room.

I sat on my bed with a headache comming on. I want to my bathroom an went throught the cabinet. Where all the drugs i was suppoesed to be taking sat. I refuse to be a mindless dope hoped up on pills.

But i didnt somtimes take them to forget everything to take the pain away. I took some advil an went back to my bed. A single black sheet an pillow. Was all i needed.

Thats when my mother bursted threw the door. "Where has your ass been!!?"
"At a friends" i said
I wasnt going to argue or yell she was my mother an she was drunk like always.

She walked up to me i ducking already knowing wbat to expect.
But atlast i couldnt stay out of reach an she braged my by my hair an with the other slaped me straight across my face. It stung an hurt. I didnt flinch though one tear ran down my cheek.

She then yelled "your not allowed to leave without  telling me beacuse your fucked up in the head". She pointed then ficked my head. "Your not right an I dont know went wrong!" I sat in silence being hurt bad.

She finally left my room with a slam of my door. I got up an locked it. Then sat back on my bed  and started to cry. I didnt know why i was so fucked up!

I looked down still in Namjoons clothes the normalist thing about me. His clothes. I then pulled off his shirt an smelled it i didnt know why i did but i did.
I loved how it smell it smelt like him.
He saved my life.

((Trigger warning again))

I walked to my dresser an got some new clothes shorts an a giant shirt. I then pushed all my clothes out of the was an grabed my gold box. It was really pretty with angels engraved into it.

I took it an the clothes to the bathroom an locked the door. I turned on music an started the bath. I sat in the water an grabed my box next to me an opened it. I pulled out my razor blades.

I grabed the shrapest one. I admire of how it shined. Somthing that could kill looked rather attractive to the eye.
I looked down at my legs already scatterd with scars. An still fresh cuts.
I looked them over for a second more. Then i brought the blade to any new spot not marked an pushed the blade into the skin. I then glided it across. It stung an made me flinch just a little i have grown use to this feeling already.

I watched as the skin began to part an fill the open tissue with blood. I could see the fat being opened benethe the blade. I found this intriguing. I loved wathcing it part an then the blood flow. I then took a few slices at my arms just to even it out.

The water was soon a red hue.
Then i got up an let the water empty i then took a shower. Washing the blood off my body.

I got out an got dressed an took his clothes back to my bed. I sat them beside me. I check my phone the lat time. It was 3am i put it an the charger. I than  on my bed a watched his clothes till i fell asleep . The last thing i saw before i went to sleep his clothes.