Suicide thoughts (sterek)

Prologue

Stiles was done. Absolutely done.

It had been 7 months since they managed to get the evil kitsune out of his body, out of his mind and it would be a lie to say it hadn't changed him. Deaton warned them about what the effects were, that there would always be a dark place in his mind that would never quite go away, always there lingering in his thoughts. Stiles understood this and was wary at first but all in all he didn't feel that different for the first few months of having a free mind again.

It was around the 4 month mark when things started taking a turn for the worst.
He would have nightmares, bad ones, where he would wake up shaking and crying and screaming. He felt lucky that his dad was at work most of the time though because his dad still didn't understand everything and he didn't want to unload something this big onto his fathers shoulder as he was already stressed with work.

He would never be able to sleep properly after waking from a nightmare. He went from having an average of 8 hours of sleep a night down to about 3-4 sometimes even less. He was always exhausted and he still had school.

He hated school with a passion. He despised it. Waking up at 6am everyday only to spend 7 hours in hell then return home for a sleepless night and to repeat the process again and again and again. It was like a never ending loop.

Of course the pack tried to help him in the beginning but he was fine. As soon as things started to get worse though there was no one there for him. The pack had their own problems, too worried about themselves to worry about stiles. Stiles couldn't blame them though as they were all in their senior year of school and there was a lot of werewolf problems recently.

The one thing that did bother stiles though is that Scott or anyone else never visited. Would it really be that hard to come by and say hi just for ten minutes?
Derek was gone. Ran off to Mexico with his new girlfriend which hurt stiles. ALOT. But again he couldn't blame him, if stiles had the opportunity to up and leave this hell of a town he would do but that requires him to be an adult, something he has to wait another 4 months for. Being 17 sucked. He had always loved derek since the day he first saw him 3 years ago but derek hated him, that was clearly evident in he way he would throw him against walls and yell at him so he didn't tell anyone. Why would he? Just so he could get rejected, so he kept it to himself and just avoided derek and went on with his life.

Anyway back to the story. After Derek left stiles started getting worse. Started hating himself that little bit more, hating everyday with just a little more passion until it got to the point where he felt like it was a reward to get through an entire day.

That's when the self-harm occurred. Stiles had never really thought about it much until he walked past his desk and saw a pencil sharpener there. 2 blades reflecting sunlight and the idea struck him. He was just so tempted so he ran to the garage and found his screw driver, bounded back up the stairs and unscrewed the blades.

He must've spent about half an hour just staring, staring at the blades wondering if this was a good idea, the rational side of him telling himself it was stupid but temptation took over as he picked it up and brought it to his wrist.

It really didn't hurt like he expected it to, not at all so he kept going, more and more until he was covered in his own crimson blood. He was sure they'd scar but it was nothing that couldn't be covered with a simple long-sleeve which he wore regularly anyway. He felt more relaxed after he'd washed off his arms and bandaged them. He relaxed into his bed and let his mind wander until he heard the slam of a door. He didn't know how long he'd been day dreaming but he didn't care so he pulled back the quilt and jumped in the bed, making sure to cover his arms with the pillow he was hugging(the way he slept every night) and pretended to sleep.

Seconds later his dad opened his bedroom door and sighed at the sight of his son asleep then closed the door quietly and walked away. After he was sure his dad was downstairs he stood up and pulled his t-shirt and trousers off so he was in his boxers and jumped into bed, actually trying to go to sleep this time. It was a close call.

The cutting started to happen more often after that. Not that anyone noticed...

His forearms were scarred horrendously but it never caused a problem as his jumpers and plaid shirts hid them.

He started developing black rings around his eyes, similar to the ones he had when the nogitsune was still around but these were from exhaustion.

He also started starving himself. He was always extremely self-conscious before all the events but that wasn't his reasoning now. He just couldn't be bothered to eat and was almost always to exhausted to leave the bed or he would collapse when he got home. He ate occasionally and drank a lot of water but no where near what he should.

One day his dad stopped him and asked if he was okay with a concerned look. He didn't get to speak to his father much as he was always working so stiles hadn't prepared for this. He told his father he had just had a really bad nights sleep for the last week and that he shouldn't worry about him when he had work problems. His dad let him off luckily but with wary eyes before stiles told him he was a big boy and could look after himself which was a complete lie but his dad believed it and went back to work. Stiles sighed with relief...

By the sixth month stiles was even worse. He had started eating more as his father had said he needed to gain a little wait so his dad got Melissa to bring round home made food when he was at school. Sometimes he would eat it, sometimes he wouldn't. He felt bad for throwing it away but he needed his dad to believe he was okay so he would stop worrying. He still cut himself but his arms were so badly scarred now he had moved to his calfs. He never wore shorts anyway so it wasn't a problem either. At school he would be alone the entire day, the pack would all eat together, seemingly forgetting the human and they never came near him so on lunches he would just go and sit under the bleachers, staring into nothingness.

It was three weeks later that he overheard the pack talking about Derek. How he had come back to town after being away for 7 months and that he had come back without braedon. Stiles didn't care, he knew it was either Bollox or his ears deceiving him so he went on with his daily routine....