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Nicole (@NicoleCheng13)

As I'm living with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I look out the window and ask myself "How am I feeling today?" I may never know.

-Nicole Cheng

It's true.

Apart from having severe mood swings, irritability, depression, difficult relationships and many more, the hardest part of living with BPD is not finding out my own emotions. I couldn't even tell what the fuck I'm feeling right now. Am I happy? Am I sad? Am I pissed off at my classmates for saying "like" all the time and being in relationships while I'm still fucking single? I don't even know.

When I sit on the train to class, I would stare through the window and watch the scenery pass by as the train moves. Right on the window pane is my reflection. In my head, I ask my reflection "How are you feeling today?"

I then answer, "I don't know what I'm feeling."

I guess that because I'm in the present moving to the future, I may never know what's going to happen to me. I may never know if I will be happy, sad or angry in my life.

But my biggest fear of living with BPD, is losing control of myself. This is the main reason why I have lost so many friends. This is the real reason why I am a loner. When I lose control, I go bat-shit crazy and scream at people for no reason. When I lose control, I get distressed. Whenever I'm distressed... I can be impetuously suicidal. 😢💔

To make sure that none of this happens in the future, I tell my reflection on the train window to make sure I don't lose control. I want to make sure that none of my distressing shit would send me any of this karma.

If I do lose control... I will lose everything I love and care in my life.

There was more to this. Before I was diagnosed from BPD by my therapist, I suffered through a lot of mental instabilities in my life. First, I starved myself to death because I was so insecure of my body's shape and I always assumed that I was never attractive enough. I remembering fasting for hours all throughout school days; binging and then let it all out of me after I eat; counting calories; and saying "I'm not hungry" every time people ask me. Second, I self-injure every time I feel depressed. I had to cover myself with long sleeves and wristbands in order to cover my cuts and scars. Thirdly, it turns out that my depression is more of an emotion, it's really mental. Every time I get depressed, I escape from everyone I know and I get the tendency to commit suicide.

Now, here I am. After battling an eating disorder though failed to battle self-injury and depression, I noticed that there is more to it than feeling nothing but sadness. I also can be extremely hostile and emotionally violent. When I realized my unknown hostility, I asked to myself "WTF is wrong with me?!" People would then ask me if I have Bipolar Disorder, which I answered "no." I was misdiagnosed with Bipolar, by the way; I don't suffer any mania. As I go through these symptoms with my therapist, it turns out that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I wasn't entirely sure where this came from but the doable guess is from all the child abuse I suffer through when growing up and all the bullying from classmates and abuse from teachers I've had in schools.

With BPD, I would inadvertently act like a complete bitch to anyone who comes into my way, even my own friends. It's because of my emotional hostility. Throughout these passed years and most recently, I have lost nearly all of my friends. Many of them refused to even talk to me and many of them would perform defamation on me. I find it really hurtful. I tried to talk to them but they wouldn't even listen to me. It's so unfair. By the time I found out what they think of me and how much false facts they said about me, not only do I feel entirely hurt, I feel suicidal and depressed.

Fearing that this would happen again any time in the future, I avoid almost everyone I know and those who wanted to know me. I worried that my hostility would bring more tension and they would hate me even more. I even left the social media, such as FaceBook, just in case (I never have Instagram or whatever you freaks go on to these days). Even everyone hates me on FaceBook despite I never done anything stupid, wrong and illegal. Anyway, for many months now, I have no friends at all. Loneliness is killing me though I managed to escape myself from it all by reading books, writing stories and poems and playing with my cat, Mew-Mew, who happens to be the only friend I have in my life ever since she was a little kitten. Even with escapism, I still get the tendency of suicide and self-mutilation.

To make matters worst, I have many stalkers in the social media. They kept getting into my personal business and they remained persistent with getting all the information about me without my acknowledgement. With that, they would create more defamation and slander about me just to make me more hurt or try to at least force me to death. All the defamation and slander they did about me in regards with my BPD hostility caused me to leave. I feel completely biased by everyone just because I have a mental illness. I even tried to apologize to them and then explain without using BPD as an excuse, but they wouldn't give me a fucking chance. They wouldn't even listen to me. They just kept being negative towards me in the social media. They would continue to write lies about me. I had to give it all up. I didn't have a choice. Ever since then, my hostility caused me to feel more depressed than ever. I continued to harm myself up to the point where I end up having suicidal thoughts.

So there it is. Being diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder is nothing but a total bitch. It caused me my friendship with everyone I used to know, which led to severe loneliness and then to depression. I became an anti-social not by choice due to a fear of worsening everything. It even caused me to avert from dating despite I'm trying my best to find someone to be in a relationship with. It caused me a lot of broken glass and bleeding hearts every time I see couples in movies, books and in real life. I can't even get a job with this in my mind. BPD led me to nothingness.

If it weren't for my combination of hostility, depression, impetuousness and irritability, I would have gotten a better life.

For more of my story, visit my blog at https://nicolelc13blog.wordpress.com. You can also find me at Twitter and Instagram @NicoleCheng13.

If you need to contact me in regards with the story, contact me at Wattpad @NicoleCheng13.

Thank you.