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Gianne (@GLCastillo)

Hello, I'm Gianne but most of my friends call me Gigi. I'm an 18 year old, second-year college student who is diagnosed with Anxiety & Depression Disorder.

When I was young I was a pretty happy girl. I always wanted to run, play, go outside, etcetera. I grew up in a rural area of my small island and moved to the "city" part of the town when I was ten years old. I grew up with a loving family and that's all someone could ask for.

As I grew up I developed a hatred towards school, and it wasn't a stupid kid thing like "oh homework, teacher, blah, blah, blah" no. I hated my life in that school from fourth to ninth grade. I started developing anxiety over the littlest things and overall started getting anxiety and panic attacks. I know, "how can a girl so young already had to deal with so much?" and that's the part I honestly never got.

Depression was, and still is, a challenge for me. It's so overwhelming, all that sadness raining on you with no reason for it. You feel drained, powerless, weak, and just plain awful about yourself. My depression started when I was in seventh grade. I was a victim of bullying, often called ugly, fat, dumb, ridiculous, and some very hurtful Spanish words (I live in Puerto Rico). I slowly started to believe everything they said because why would they say such things if they weren't true, right? I felt powerless, useless... I really thought I deserved all of that hate.

Anxiety is something I suffer from constantly. I'm always nervous, always fearing what's yet to come, always on alert of everything. My mind goes into a dark place of things I did or I'm doing wrong and it scares the hell out of me. It doesn't help much when you are writer because you live with the constant fear of not being good enough or that your writing will never be enjoyed by any audience.

My illness got worse in eighth grade when my great-grandfather died. He was sick and I should've seen it coming but I didn't. It hit me hard and I didn't know what to do with myself. I went to a website and saw that a lot of people were cutting and that it "helped" them to cope with pain, so I tried it out as well. I know I shouldn't have and that it was wrong but I was desperate to numb the pain I was feeling. I started cutting in different parts of my body and felt myself slowly deteriorating. I became pale white, the bags under my eyes were extremely black and heavy, I genuinely felt horrible with myself.

When I tried-out for the basketball team of my university I met this girl, who is my girlfriend now, who was the only one who approached me there. I knew no one and I was very quiet and shy. I had a rough exterior so that nobody would approach me because at that point in time I developed social anxiety. I never spoke up in restaurants, family events, nothing. Anyway, this girl came to me and talked to me slightly trying to help me not to be so scared and even though I gave her no sign of my ability to cooperate with her she didn't give up on me and that's one of the reasons I admire and adore her.

I know that what I did to cope with my illness was wrong and thoughts do come back now and again, but I made a group of friends in college who have helped me through so much and helped me realize that I'm not a horrible person at all. Everyone there is incredibly special to me since they showed me to have fun, free, and adventurous. For that I thank them and I'm extremely blessed to have them by my side.

For all of you guys struggling with mental illness just think of these simple words: "I'm okay". Because even though, in your mind, you feel that everything is wrong or that everything about you is awful, you are okay. Those illnesses are just demons trying to claw their way into your brain and you must be strong and keep those walls strong. Because you're worth it, you're beautiful... and you're alive.

Please, talk to me if you have any illness whatsoever or you just simply feel sad, lonely, or even powerless. I am @glcastillo on Wattpad, casparina98 on Twitter, and mushroom-phan on Snapchat. All we need is friends who can brighten up our day.