Hermosa

November 4, 2016

November 4, 2016

Diego,

     I didn't know if I could sleep with you. You smelled sour to me then. Either way, when I knew Ma was going to be out all night that Saturday, I invited you to the house an hour away from work to "hang out." My ex and I were together, and I wondered if it was worth the risk of breaking things before I could decide if they were beyond repair already.

     There was something happening between you and me. I couldn't describe it, other than I knew I wanted to be near you a lot lately. You were practically a virgin, it had been so long since you slept with anyone, and I wanted to be the one to stir that up in you.

     You showed up in the brown jacket with the sleeves that were too short. You sat on the corner of the bed so close to the edge, I thought you'd fall off. I sat Indian style in the middle. We watched a few episodes of Tosh.0. We tried to make small talk at first, but things got quiet in a hurry and stayed that way. After a while, I noticed your hands fidgeting – your fingers worrying other fingers. I didn't know what you frustrated looked like yet, but I knew something impatient was fluttering around in that head of yours.

     Ma wasn't home yet as it got to be about ten. I said, "I think I'm gonna lay down."

     "Oh," you said, your tone kind of low. You stood up like you were about to let yourself out.

     "You can lay down with me, if you want."

     I wasn't looking. I'd already laid on my side facing the wall, but I felt a change in the energy of the room. I heard you take off the jacket, felt the bed sink as you sat on the side to take off your shoes. You lay down a few inches from me on your back facing the ceiling.

     How do I describe the minutes that passed after that? Dee, the tension was so thick, you'd need a steak knife to cut through it. There was so much heat pouring off of your body that it made my back sweat. I had my arm under the pillow, my body curled into the fetal position like it does when I sleep. We'd turned off the big overhead light and switched on the lamp on the old headboard. It made a quiet, sunrise-like glow over our bodies leading into the darkness, casting shadows around the room. The family dog let out sighs that seeped under the door, her disappointment at a night alone being made known.

     "Do you want to hold me?" I whispered.

     A swift shift rippled across the bed. "Yeah, of course!"

     You moved closer, placing your arm across my waist and resting your hand just below mine under the pillow. Your legs were stiff straight. Your breath was warm on my neck. Time stretched its rubber band arms. I focused on the breath.

Is he going to make a move?

The kisses came next, so soft I barely knew they were there. Is he kissing me? I suddenly felt like crying, your lips so shy to touch my neck that all I could think about was how lonely you must have been. I pushed my back to press neck against your mouth harder.

Kiss me like you want me. I know you do. Tell me. Tell me.

      This is the part, as always, where there is a gap in my memory. The next thing I remember is getting a bare skin kind of Trojan out of the headboard compartment, tearing it open with my teeth, and trying to figure out how to put the condom on your uncircumcised penis. That was new. It was sliding around your foreskin. I didn't know how hard I could push without hurting you. I'm pretty sure you had to do that for me.

     I stayed on top, trying to grind slowly but the bed squeaked anyway. You looked terrified. I couldn't decide if it was because you were afraid Ma would slip in unnoticed and hear us or if you just simply didn't know what to do with me.

     She did come home. Not quietly, though. She stomped her way all the way back to my bedroom and loudly asked, "Is someone here with you?" (She'd seen your car in the driveway.)

     "Yeah, Ma," I yelled, "It's Dee from work. We're watching a movie."

     "Okay, if you guys get hungry, I brought home Krystal burgers," she said, "They'll be in my room."

     "Thanks, Ma!"

      When I heard her bedroom door shut, we maneuvered to the floor. You were on your back as I hunkered down over you, trying to keep my hair out of your face. Soon, the sun was gingerly sneaking in some delicate azure through the window. I couldn't get you to finish. I chalked it up to all the anxiety. We had fun despite.

     You got dressed as the shadows were dissipating, planted an unpracticed kiss on my lips, and drove off into the wild blue yonder.

I cleaned the cum off my privates and thighs for fear that the smell of sex would be recognized and walked to Ma's room. She was asleep, a boozy odor coating each snore, the bag of burgers tipped over on top of the blanket. I gathered them up to take to the kitchen and tucked her in for the morning.

     How many times have I wanted to relive that night – when you wanted me so bad, I thought you'd catch fire?

     When two grown-ass people were worried about being heard having sex?

Thinking of you,

Julia