How to be a Cliche Wattpad Writer in 30 Steps

How NOT to Write a Story

How NOT to Write a Story--

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--If you take me seriously, good luck, bro. I'm speaking in air of sarcasm! Follow this in opposite terms! I hope you enjoy my second installment of what I see nearly everyday.--

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STEP ONE:

Go ahead and introduce everything about yourself. 'Cause everyone automatically thinks about their perfect age, horrible location, rockin' body, and a-MAZING personality when they wake up. I know I do.

"Hi, I'm Sarah and I'm an eighteen year old who loves to sing. I have long brown hair and dark green eyes. I live with my parents in ___."

You don't say? How about you tell me what you ate for breakfast, as well. And when was your last bowel movement while we're at it. Lie it out on the table first thing, broskii.

STEP TWO:

The best way to describe dialogue is ending it with 'said.' It's not like it's repetitive or annoying as hell. NEVER, EVER, use any other word than said.

"You'll regret leaving me, Travis Payne!" I said.

"I regret ever being with you." he said back.

"Like hell you do." I said with a glare.

Wasn't that intense?!

Here's what you shouldn't do--

"You'll regret leaving me, Travis Payne!" I cried, the desperation in my voice vanishing with every spoken word. He doesn't deserve my emotion.

"I regret ever being with you." he snipped back airily, his back still turned towards me. His tone was chilling, nearly biting at my open wounds. Travis was silent for a while before I spoke up for him.

"Like hell you do." You son of a bitch. Regret doesn't even begin to cover what you'll feel, Travis Payne. Just you wait.

Boring, eh? Sorry for making you suffer through those adjectives.

STEP THREE:

Look up the 'What's Hot' list and steal as many plot lines as possible. Then, whip out your handy-dandy notebook and cram them all into one massive piece of work. There's nothing better than seeing the same story line over and over again!

STEP FOUR:

Beg for attention. Write on people's walls, send them private messages, advertise yourself on people's stories! Do whatever you possibly can to get one person to read it and recommend. Repeat if you're lucky and they're bored. BUT- some people could find it rude (SHOCKER).

STEP FIVE:

Describe every single aspect of your character's wardrobe. I want to know what brand underwear they're wearing for Christ's sake! Boxers or briefs? Hanes or Fruit of the Loom? Shoe brands are vital, as well. Remember your character has to be comfortable and reader reader must know!

STEP SIX:

Better yet, just smack a big ole link in the center of the chapter, it's much easier for everyone. People have to know what's on Polyvore before your story gets interesting. Add it in the center of a sentence, if you feel that your outfit must interrupt such greatness. It's not as if there's a place to put pictures or anything...

STEP SEVEN:

Make sure your character has absolutely no flaws. I personally would not want to relate to the person in any way shape or form. Perfect form, non-frizzy hair, exotic eyes- the works. Everyone has to compliment them, as well.