He Use To Be A Son Of Anarchy

Chapter Twenty: The Truth Behind It All

I was unable to sleep that night. I had spent hours in the living room, trying to keep my head clear and away from Jax, but no matter what I did, I was always distracted by the thought of him. I kept listening for the faint cling of keys outside my door; thinking he would return to his apartment. I kept hoping that it was all just a big misunderstanding. So I kept on clinging to that idea.

I was being stupid and incredibly naïve, but my heart couldn't face the reality of the situation.

At some point I tried to fully distract myself. I grabbed a pair of earphones and my laptop and tried to watch a few episodes of a series I loved. But not even that could take my mind off it all. Around 11pm I was just about ready to give up and try to sleep when there was a soft knock on my door. It was almost unsure; as if the person wasn't sure if they should be knocking on my door this late.

I peered through the peephole. Jax stood outside my door. His one hand was nervously running over his hair, the other inside the pocket of his jeans. He looked just about ready to leave again.

Quickly I unlocked and opened the door. We both just stood there staring at each other.

My eyes surveyed him. He was still wearing the same clothes as the night before. His shoes were dirtied with sand. He had obviously brought some time through in the desert.

"Val," he said softly.

I raised my hand to stop him.

"I get it Jax. It was a one-time thing. It won't happen again."

"No, Val," he began but stopped to look around. As always we were alone in the hall. "Can I come in?"

I gave it some thought. I really wanted to hear his excuse for ditching me, but I also didn't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that I was broken when he left.

I decided to invite him in anyway.

"Thanks," he said after I closed the door behind us. I stood in front of it with my hands folded over my chest.

"I'm listening."

He exhaled loudly and began explaining.

"I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't mean to sneak off like that. I didn't even know I what I was doing until I was at least ten miles out of town. All I knew was that I had to think."

"Think about what?" I asked. The anger I felt was now bubbling to the surface again.

He kept quiet. His eyes were scanning my face. I tried to keep my expression unreadable, but Jax was trying really hard to see beneath that.

"About us. What I did."

"There is no 'us', Jax. I get it. I'm just another girl you banged on the road."

He looked mortified. He turned away from me. My words obviously felt like a blow to the gut for him. There was silence for a moment.

"That's just it, Val. You're the complete opposite of that. It wasn't meaningless. I like you, Val. I really do."

My heart started thumping loudly in my chest. No, I told myself, don't you dare fall for this. Keep your guard up.

"Then why run off? If you say you have feelings for me then you wouldn't have done such a cowardly thing and run off right after we slept together."

He took a step closer to me. "I know. That was a bit of a dick move. But I really needed to figure some things out. When I was lying behind you, holding you... I started to think about Tara."

My stomach twisted into an uncomfortable knot. I expected the worst.

"You're still in love with her?" I asked. I was fighting back tears now.

How could I have been so stupid? The mother of his children and the love of his life; how could I ever compete with that?

"Of course. She was my wife," he said softly.

"Was?" I asked genuinely surprised.

"Was," he said again, "She died."

I stayed silent. I wanted to know how and when she died, but I figured he'd tell me if he wanted me to know. Prying would make him run off. It was better to let him open up to me on his own.

He moved over to the kitchen area and leaned against the counter.

"She was murdered; killed by my own mother. All because she was going to take Thomas and Abel away from all of the shit the club made in our lives. We wanted to be a normal family. I wanted to know my wife and kids were safe and not have to worry that they'd be killed out of spite because of some rivalry. I needed them to be okay and away from it all.

Somehow my mom found out about what Tara was planning on doing. Somehow she always knew everything. It amazed me and scared me at the same time. She confronted Tara. Tara wouldn't budge. She was set on getting us out. My mom didn't like the thought of her grandchildren being taken away. She thought Tara was a rat. So she drove a fork through her skull. My mom killed my wife."

I leaned back against the door. I felt like I was about to throw up.

"Eli, the sheriff, he found them. But then Juice killed him before he could do anything to my mom."

He looked down at his dirty shoes.

"The club didn't just screw my life up. It fucked up the lives of my whole family and anyone who ever had anything to do with me. It's a brotherhood alright, but no one ever tells you the sacrifices you'll have to make, the lives you'll have to risk and the deaths you'll have to face. Too many of us lost our families because of it. SAMCRO was nothing but organisation for the greedy and power hungry."

I backed off from the door and walked towards him.

"Jax," I said softly. He didn't look up.

"That's why I had to go, Val. I had to think about what I was doing to you. I had to decide if I valued your life enough to walk away."

"Jax, look at me," I demanded. Things were different now. That life was behind him. He needed to come to terms with it and move on. It happened. He couldn't change it. And now he probably thought he didn't deserve happiness again after all the shit he caused his family.

He looked up. My eyes bore into his.

"You don't get to decide if I want to take that risk. It's my choice," I said and intertwined my fingers through his.

"No, Val," he said impatiently, but didn't pull away.

"I don't care," I said with finality in my voice. I raised my head up to his and my lips gently met his.

He let go of my hands and pulled away from the kiss. He pressed himself tightly against me and he sobbed into my hair. Jax Teller was a broken man.