That Girl

What Am I?

It was Wednesday. I hadn't said anything to Page in a while, the same for Emily. I felt like they were both ignoring me. Although, I had some trouble opening my mouth to speak to Page. She just blew up on me and I was afraid of what she'd say if I attempted to say hi or anything at all. I was too scared to try. I got up out of my bed and felt green, like Green Day green and it was not fun. I laid back down to fall asleep, only, I couldn't.

"God da- gahhh! Why do I feel so awful?!" I yelled at myself then, I heard someone knock on the door. I got up to look and I opened the door to see it was... Page?

"What're you doing here? I thought you didn't want to se-" I saw flowers in her hands. "You brought flowers?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry I flipped. I had to think about this relationship and issues we've already had. I really am sorry and I hope you can-" I kissed her to stop her talking so I could talk.

"Y'know, you're more beautiful than the flowers?" She blushed.

"I'm guessing you accept my apology?" Damn, she's too cute...

"Yeah, I guess... I'm kidding! Of course I forgive you, babe. I love you."

"I love you, too." She smiled so bright that even the Sun would be jealous. The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return. I was so sure that would happen and it did, sure enough. I was happy to be with this girl, this girl that I love with all my heart. I didn't care what she liked or hated, as long as she was mine, I didn't care about anything else.

"So, I heard an old friend of yours already asked you to prom?"

"Yes but he's as queer as Freddie Mercury." She laughed.

"Well, I bet you'll look really pretty in a dress you get. You're the cutest, and prettiest, girl I know. You're gorgeous, babe." Pretty... Girl... Gorgeous... There's something wrong here...

"Umm... I'm sorry, babe but you need to go. I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay? I love you."

"Oh... Okay. I love you, too, my darling baby girl." I gave her a nervous chuckle and then kissed her. As soon as I slammed the door, I knew something was totally up. I ran to my room, took off all my clothes and looked in my full body mirror. I hated it. I hated seeing it. My chest and my vagina. I hated my ovaries, my sex, my chromosomes, everything feminine. I then grabbed the most masculine clothing I could and put them on. It wasn't much, but I looked again. I looked much better. I loved it. I realized what I was. I'm...

"A boy? A boy? Male. Man. Guy. Boy." I repeated these words for a while and I knew that I was a boy. I ran out of the house, wallet in pocket, and went to a boys' clothing store. I got guy shirts, boxers, a polo, and a beanie. It costed a lot but, I didn't care. I was ready to go to school tomorrow in this.

I was walking down the street. People were calling me a bull dyke and that I'm not a boy, I'm a sissy, a girl. I kept walking, tears in my eyes, choking on them. Then someone touched my shoulder. I tried to look back but someone grabbed hold of my head. Then my ankles. Then my wrists. I couldn't move in no time. Then, all that went away and I was on the ground, with a man crawling towards me, I couldn't run in time. He grabbed me, tied my hands up, pulled down my pants, and his, and then he took off my underwear. He got close and I woke up. It was a scary dream, reminding me of everything that could happen to me because of who I was. I was a trans* boy. I was a boy in the wrong body. I needed to find myself my real body. I looked at my alarm and it had just gone off. I got up, got my masculine clothing on, and my jacket, with my hair in a ponytail, shoved down my shirt. I walked to school, playing my music. I got to the doors and I heard voices mocking me, I turned around but nobody was around. I started to freak out, I almost ran back home. I was too scared to go into the building of hell. What if Page hates me now? Or Emily? What about Alex? What will Scott do? What will my classmates do to me? Or my friends? So many things ran through my mind. I didn't know how I was going to do anything. It ended up so bad that I ran to that corner and broke down. I cried, I scream, I yelled at myself. I didn't know what to think anymore. What if Ma finds out? Will she kick me out? Where will I live then? What if my teachers found out? Would they hate me? Would they purposely make me fail, against the rules? What can I do about any of this? I'm scared. My thoughts took control of me and I started to forget where I was, what time it was, everything. I had started to realize how bad dysphoria could get and I hated it so much I could barely breathe, thinking about this. I was being swallowed by my thoughts and dysphoria. My tears started to burn, my sobbing pierced my ears. I didn't know what to do.

"Hey! You okay?" I heard someone but I couldn't look up but, after a while I did and...