im all dreams and stardust, baby!

why the stars?

' begin transmission ' 

me: hey hey can i tell you something personal?

fabiola: yes

me: Ok this is gonna sound kinda like pretentious but

me: do u wanna know how i fell in luv w/ the stars

me: you can say nO if you want

fabiola: go ahead

me: this story connects 3 crucial things in my life

me: stars, vincent van gogh, and my beloved grandmommy

me: so i was really really young i remember spending the weekend over my grandmommy's house bc my parents were out of town

me: and i remember being woken up at like 2am by my grandmother telling me to follow behind

me: so she took me into the dining room and sat me down and ask me "do you know anything about the stars, pequeño?"

fabiola: pequeña

fabiola: you're a girl

me: oh right

me: i had to look that up because i knew she called me that i just forgoT what it was ok

fabiola: its okay u'll learn

me: back to the story

me: so i said "they're balls of light"

me: and she nodded real slow

me: she looked like she was dreaming

fabiola: um wtf kind of ARI AND DANTE STORY IS THIS

fabiola: MY HEART

me: my grandmother

is actually

my heart and soul

ok oK

so she said "they're great great beast who run on light and one other thing"

and i was like really invested now

so i said "tell me, grandmommy. what do they run on?"

and she turned to me and smiled a big smile and said "hope."

and i was CONFUSED

i was like "hope? how do they run on hope?"

and she broke out a story

"when the universe was created, it all happened in a big boom"

"a big flash of light washed over the darkness"

"a light so big that it ripped and teared at the black fabric"

"like poking a hole in a piece of cloth"

"these holes were called stars"

"this light created other things, like planets and galaxies and suns and animals and eventually people"

"and so everything around us possesses this light"

"this light created many beautiful things like colors and thoughts and flowers and oceans and sunsets"

"everything is connected by the light"

"this means that we can influence the light and that the light can influence us"

so i said "does this mean that we're made of stars?"

and she nodded and whispered "exactly"

so i said "so how do stars run on hope?"

and she said "hope is something that was created before everything else"

"it is stronger than anything"

"it keeps the universe in balance"

"when a person hopes with a very strong hope"

"they can influence the world around them"

"because the world also lives within them"

"so if a person hopes hard enough, they can change the world around them"

"that's why it is very important to hope with all your heart"

"because love sprouts from hope"

and fabiola

i was AWESTRUCK

and she says "harley, the stars are yours and you belong to the stars"

that means that "hope is yours and you belong to hope"

"that means that love is yours and you are love"

and i said "how can i be love?"

and she turns to look out the window and at the night sky and says "It is good to love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is well done."

"a once read from a very smart man. a man who was in love with the stars and in love with being in love. my favorite man."

V I N C EN T VAN GOGH

so at this point she turned off the light in the dining room and brought me to the window

and oH boy even though she lived in the middle of the city, i could see the stars

and she says "i'll be up there with them one day. watching over you and everything you do."

and i laugh and say "i guess that makes you star grandmommy, huh?"

and she laughs too and said "well if that's the case, i guess that makes you starkid."

and we sit in silence for a long long while

and then she smiles and says "never lose hope, estrella"

and she puts me back into bed

oh god i am crying oh god

fabiola: let it out

me: sigh

that woman loved everyone and everything

she was so smart

she believed in letting people live their lives

she was so kind she was so kind

so strong snd soft at the same time

so patient

so hopeful

oh my god that woman was made of hope itself

she fought for many things

she let me be me

she never judged or criticized

or try to make me into something i'm not

she taught me how to love and to think

oh god

oh god i miss her so much

she means everything to me

and oh god she would have loved you

fabiola: :)

fabiola: i'm glad you had her

me: i promised to live and believe in everything she taught me

me: and to never lose hope

fabiola: that's a good promise

me: i'm gonna go mourn

me: i'll catch you later

fabiola: take your time

' end transmission '