I Don't Want to be Alone Anymore

Help Me

"Okumura!" I jumped awake as the voice pierced through the darkness. My eyes opened and I was staring up at the plain ceiling. I blinked in confusion, before hearing a sigh of relief at my side. I looked over, seeing Bon. I growled and pushed up on my arms slightly to get in a sitting up position. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I was just checking up on you, chill." He grumbled. I opened my mouth to spit out a reply, but didn't get the chance when he continued, "Anyway, are you okay? You were crying out in your sleep."

So I did have nightmares then. At least I couldn't remember them…

"I'm fine." I snapped. "Fuck off!"

"Oh my god...why are you so against people trying to help you?!" Bon snapped back.

"You're the one who-"

"I know what I did! But for fuck's sake, people make mistakes! Can't you just accept the fucking apology?!" He interrupted.

"If I do will you leave me alone?" I asked angrily.

No! Of course not you fucking idiot!" He practically yelled.

"Why not?!" The anger and yelling was starting to make my stomach hurt, but I didn't care.

He grabbed me by the collar of the hospital gown, "You tried to kill yourself Rin! Why would I leave you alone after that?! Why did...why did you try to…?" The anger disappeared from his form and he let go, sitting back in a chair.

"What's it to you?" I spat out before giving myself any time to think.

He rubbed his temples and stood up. "I don't want to argue with you anymore." He reached into his pocket and pulled out what I realized was my knife and put it on the table. "If that's really what you want, I won't try to help you anymore. You can be alone." He turned and left the room without another word. I looked to the floor, not sure how to feel.

"I'm so stupid." I whispered to myself and put my head in my hands. I should be happy right? I pushed him away, he left just like I wanted him to. I had wanted him to leave me alone right? That had been why I was so rude, always snapping at him right?

No. It's not that I wanted to be alone, I just didn't want to get hurt again. I didn't want to take the risk of someone become important to me and then just throwing me away like I was nothing. Not again. I couldn't handle it happening again. Even if I did forgive Bon, tried to be friends again, I would just fuck it up. That's all I ever did, was fuck things up. I wasn't good at anything else. I heard it so many times, how couldn't it be true? I was just a useless, worthless screw up who couldn't do anything right.

Maybe I was just meant to be alone.

Maybe people wouldn't get hurt because of me if I kept to myself.

But then why was I still here? I didn't have a future, I'd rather be dead, so why couldn't life just let me go? I wasn't even supposed to exist!

My gaze wandered over to the table, landing on my knife. A shape behind it caught my attention. My phone. For a moment I wondered if I should text Bon...ask him to come back, give him a chance.

Ask him to give me a chance I didn't deserve.

I bit my lip, not knowing what to think. I longed for the silence I had had the night before, were my thoughts were tranquil. I let out a pained breath and reached out for my knife, but paused with my hand above it. I felt guilt crawling over my skin, thinking about both Bon and Yukio. I shook my head to rid myself of the thoughts and picked up the knife anyway. I slowly pulled the weapon out of its sheathe and layed the sheathe back on the table. I looked at the sheathe for a long moment before laying my arm down. I placed the knife over it before pausing. If a nurse came in I would have no way to hide it. Then I'd be in even deeper shit, have to deal with more people and…wait. Why didn't I just leave? I would heal just fine on my own and then I wouldn't have to deal with people. I put the knife on the table and slowly sat up, the pain in my stomach not as bad as yesterday. I swung my legs over the side of the bed before cautiously putting some weight onto them. At first my stomach protested as I stretched the wounded muscle, but little by little I was able to get on my feet. I heard footsteps by my door and froze, hoping it wasn't a nurse coming to check up on me. I let out a sigh of relief as the footsteps traveled past my door. Wait, how the hell was I going to break out of a hospital in the first place? I couldn't just walk out in a fucking hospital gown and be expected to walk out the front door no problems. Hell, if I tried stepping out of my room wearing just a hospital gown I'd probably be stopped. Well...what floor was I on? I slowly walked over to the window and pulled it open before looking down. It looked like I was about five stories up...not what I'd prefer, but I could probably make the jump with no major injuries.