Let me tell you!

(PreFace) Faith

I know what you might be thinking that "Faith" is either my name or my first girlfriend's, but both of those assumptions would be wrong. Faith is actually the reason why I never acted on my feelings toward females no matter how bad i actually wanted to. Like most black families being gay rather boy or girl was frown upon. But also in most black families things like sex, drugs, and violence are exposed to you at young age. Like i can remember seeing my first porno. Me and a bunch of my older and youngs cousins were at my Grandma's old house. It was a two family flat; with my single mother aunt living down stairs with her two kids and my Grandma and her youngest daughter living up stairs. I can't even tell you where the adults were that day, but they sure weren't home. I remember all the older kids and pre-teens ranging in ages 8-13 were in the down stairs house with the door locked. They told us younger kids to stay up stairs, but nosy old me was curious about what they were doing and why we had to stay up there. I knocked on the door to see what was going on and they decided to let me since I was trust worthy and used to sneak them cigarettes all the time. Everyone was gathered on the couch right in front of the tv, but nothing was on in fact the Tv was completely off. My older female cousin looked at me and said these words to me.
"Now look we trust you so what's about to come on the tv you can't tell anyone!!"
I nodded in agreement since i wasn't really much of a talker anyways. One of the older kids popped a tape in the VCR and turned the tv on. Watching the tv load from black to fully colored screen I started to notice something odd about the movie. It looked really low budget, the same kid fast forward through the movie and stopped almost right on time because there it was as clear as i EVER seen porn at that time, (beside looking through my fingers on adult scenes in movies.) Some random black lady sucking some random black guys dick straight clean! The Tv was on silent, but we still watched the whole movie. I'd like to say that is where it all started for me. Ya know seeing the random lady get her guts fucked out by this guy was such a turn on and the whole time it couldn't take my eyes off her, but that wasn't my case thankfully. Nope not even a little.. I didn't get turn on until a week later when they woke me up at 3'clock in the morning to show me HBO Specials. The volume was on this time and i actually heard what a woman's moan sound like, that changed my life!

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For the sake of time i'm gonna skip a few years ahead to my 12th grade year in High School. I know you would love to hear about my serious porn addiction that i struggle with through those lovely lonely 8 years in between, but honestly that's a LOT of porn! So we'll move on at this point in my life i was dating this guy named CC Jr. Yes you heard me right i was dating a guy! See the beginning of HS i was going through some tough shit i was actually emo part of that time. I didn't have any friends when i first got to high school but i did have one. God, yup the Big Creator in the Sky just him. So who was I, to betray my only friend? After being told God doesn't like Gays or Killers or Liars why would i want to be any of those things?! But to my surprise i was all THREE of those things! I was Gay and i would pray and pray and pray for him to take the gay away, only after convincing a girl i met on some random lesbian group chat to send me videos on KIK of her fingering herself. I was Killing myself trying to make a shitty relationship work with a guy who took me for granted just because i knew if i didn't make it work with CC Jr.. I couldn't make it work with any other guy. I couldn't see myself marrying another guy but him, and that statement is still true to this day (5 years later)! I was lying to myself about being straight everyday, but i couldn't lie to God simply because he already knew the truth. So instead I prayed to just be happy, I asked for happiness and personal identity and slowly but surely it was arranged for me to have. Me and CC Jr. ended it for good when the new girl he was messing with pull the pregnancy card. Things quickly went from my first kiss to my first heart break to Oh Hell Nawh Cuz you can have him. By the way i found out she heard through the grape vine that we were "talking" again and since he was ready to turn his life around with me she pulled a Fake pregnancy card knowing i would leave.. She was right!