She holds me while I have an honest-to-God sobbing breakdown of the sort that I probably ought to be embarrassed about, but somehow living with Sherlock's perpetual detachment has left me remarkably unselfconscious about whatever it is that I feel myself. I've become an avatar for his humanity. I must express all the emotion that he suppresses, so I end up doing double duty.
I tell her about the pills I need, and about Sherlock's plan. I half-expect her to object, but she just nods and offers her assistance.
"How long do you think it'll be before he's – had enough?" she asks, quietly.
I am holding a cold washcloth over my swollen face. I can't go home looking like this. "I don't think more than a couple of weeks. It's going so bloody fast, Sarah. I first noticed he was having headaches just last week, for fuck's sake." I hear my voice cracking.
Sarah smooths the hair back from my temple. "I'm so sorry, John."
"It isn't fair. Why him?"
"Why anyone?"
"But he's – we need him. People don't know what he does, how muchhe does." I scrub at my face with the damp cloth and let my head fall back to the couch. "I've got to get back. I need time off work. He shouldn't be alone. He may need medical help at any time."
She shakes her head. "Of course. But that isn't why." I just look at her. "It's okay to admit it."
"What?"
"That you want to spend as much time with him as possible before the end."
My lip trembles again. The end. The end of him. God, it can't be true."I thought there was all the time in the world."
Sarah hugs me again and I cry some more. I feel silly but it's best to get it out now. I can't do this in front of Sherlock.
And she's right. As soon as I'm back home, I won't be leaving his side again.
YOU ARE READING
Alone On The Water
FanfictionSorrow's my body on the waves Sorrow's a girl inside my cave I live in a city sorrow built It's in my honey, it's in my milk Don't leave my half a heart alone on the water Cover me in rag and bone sympathy Cause I don't want to get over you. I give...
