Theories U Probably Won't Remember

LOST

{ I know this house outside and in But three birds fly upon my skin Lay my head down in the darkness Like so many nights before this In this bed where I rest I'm homeless My hunger it grows And it won't let me go And it burns in my chest Heavy steps on hardwood floors Into my room through broken doors Try to leave this day behind me But peace will never find me }

I've been crying a lot lately. I don't know if it's about the school pressure and the final exam, the fact that i'm feeling homeless or just me being a second option. But what am sure about is that i want to write about all of this since i can talk as much as i can without being stopped. Let me start with the pressure thing. You may say we all are experiencing it and it is not a thing. And it is kind true from an outer view. But even if it may seem small, it does stress me out. I feel like i need to meet the expectations and to perfect everything. Am tryin to perfect it all so badly that am ruining everything i touch. Yet it is not the main problem. The thing that bothers me is mainly about me being a second option. It's like am the plan B of all my first choices. I will try to make you figure it out. So let me tell you about the ones i claim as my first choices. The first one, she was my bff for the whole 7th form and half of the 8th form. We kinda chose different ways. I wanted depression, pain, deep thoughts, cutting ... And she wanted better vibes, she wanted laughter and sun. She went in that way with her new bestfriend -which is one of mine right now and treats me exactly like the first one - as i just kept drowning in my dark world. We are now close again but i still ain't got that love back. Am sure she loves me but i ain't the one she'll listen to. There is number 3 and she is such a precious soul but she has a soulmate. She si taken somehow. Cuz friendship is important too. There is number 4 and she is a true angel but she is the bestfriend of number 3. Thee is also number 5, 6, 7 and 8. They are all taken. Am sure that they love me. But am also sure they won't choose me over that first choice. And that's what hurts me at the end. It's like if we were all in a boat, and half of us drown. All will have a hand they will take. And i will be there standing with no hand to catch, just water pulling me to death -which is something i wouldn't decline in such a point-. Am not saying that they don't love me, it's just that they don't love me that much. And i don't blame them, i'll never do so. Because am not worth such a pure love, why would i be. Is it with my ugliness? My short fat body ? My sensitive personality that already broke a lot of hearts ? My pointless thoughts? My mental illness? Nothing deserves to be loved in me. It feels like even their love is pity. Maybe that's why they will choose a someone over me. Cuz that someone can be worthwhile. That someone can make a change. That someone is a need. Nd am absolutely not. And maybe that's also why i am feeling homeless, cuz am not meeting any of the expectations, am not making people happy around me, my absence doesn't bother. And that's also why i am always feeling like i need to tell a joke sometimes, i need to tell something that will make people pay attention to me. I always wanna make you see me like a little ball of energy that will forget the pain three seconds later and make it all brighter. I always wanna make great things so you will remember me as a good one not as the loser i am. I named the chapter lost cuz i do feel lost. I don't know if i should turn into an anorexic to have a better body, go back to cutting so i can feel better in ny own skin or just pretend like nothing is going with my life. I feel like i need to find something that will make me feel better as soon as possible. Cuz if i don't, i won't take IT anymore. I know i won't because all this is stressing me out so badly. Maybe getting a bit better will help me figure it all out cuz all i can tell right now is that I AM FEELIN INSECURE AND I CARE WHAT PEOPLE THINK ⚡️