The Shadows

HIM

I open my eyes to find Stranger in front of me in my room, smiling. I jolt awake, my eyes wide, thinking its someone else for a second. But that fear dies down when I see Strangers face. She looks sheepish, placing her duffel bag on the floor when she speaks.
"I have decided that you're gonna come with me to my practice!" She looks determined, a glint in her eyes as she smiles at me.
"Oh, really? Okay then." I shrug under the cover and fling them off of me, revealing my big pyjamas. Winter pyjamas.
"How can you wear those?! I'm so warm!" I laugh slightly at that statement and even more at Strangers confused look. She looks like a damn puppy!
"I'm always cold." I smile at her as I pull some clothes out of my drawers, a plain grey T-shirt and some black skinny jeans. I look at Stranger and watch as she takes a couple of seconds to process that I need to change. I watch her flush slightly as she picks up her duffel bag hurridly, practically running out of my room as I giggle. I slip on my clothes quickly, pulling up what needs to be adjusted on ym small frame. I walk ouot of the room and head downstairs, where Stranger is waiting for me.
"Ready to go? Sorry theres no breakfast." She looks nervous, so I smile to break the tension.
"Thats okay, I wasn't hungry anyway. And yes, I'm ready!" Stranger smiles at me, though the nerves remain, and we walk out of the door, me locking it after us. She walks me down the steps to her car, a VW. I smile, it's cute. I climb inside with her and watch as she methodically starts it up, and listen to it purr to life beneath us, vibrating the seats. Its so cool!
I stare out of the window as we drive, not really paying attention to anything, just watching th colours whizz past us, ditching their shapes and just becoming smudges on a blank canvas. Its so pretty. It's just a shame that I only find the world pretty when its a formless blur.
After what doesn't seem like enough time, the car stops, and I see Stranger getting out of her side. She walks over to my aide, opening the door for me. I step out, smirking at her as she laughs at my face.
The dance studio is kind of intimidating to be honest. As we walk in, I see all these toned people with long flowing hair and beautiful tall bodies. I look down at my short body, and touch my shaved hair in disgust. This may not be as fun as I think.
Stranger leads me into an observers room and then heads off to get ready. I am relieved that the room is empty, and sit down on a chair, staring nervously at the dancing space. It looks so open, and yet so cold and closed. I can see both women and men preparing on the floor, anf it makes me nervous even watching. I hope Strangers okay.
I see her step out and practice begins. I can't hear what is going on, but it doesn't seem like the instructor is very nice to them, judging by their expressions. She looks fucking terrifying as well. My stomach twists as I watch, contorting as my brain tries to process all the sounds and colours around me, failing. Shapes, all just shapes. Shapes that will die eventually and have no meaning. And I'm the darkest shape of all.
I don't know how long I sit here, thinking and thinking, my mind getting derailed more with evey thought. They're onto proper dancing now, so I guess a while. I don't want to go, and make Stranger feel bad, but I can feel myself snapping. I look down and see the damned grey leaking up my skin. Shit. I can hear my heart crunching as it beats. Existing is too much. I need to go. I'm sorry Stranger.

I stand up from the chair, quickly leaving the waiting room, almost slamming the door after me. I practically run through the studio, weaving in and out of the strangers, wioncing as I feel each one turn to stare at me.
I exit the buildign entirely, leaning against the wall next to the door. I go to the side of the building, attemptignt to control my breathing and steady my heart. But they won't stop. I take quick and heavy breaths, and my heart crunches with every erratic beat it makes, the peices of glass smashing together, and making my brain freak.
You're not okay.
you're not okay
How could you think you're okay?
She's gonna hate you for leaving her.
You hate you for leaving her.
My eyes well up and the white noise around me grows. I want to scream, but my throat is so small, I can't even make a sound.
You aren't pretty enough.
You're nto skinny enough.
You talk too much.
You smile too much.
You don't understand anything.
You hate yourself for not understanding, don't you?
GOOD.
I look up at the people walking past, hoping to find refuge in their faces, in their calm expressions as they walk. But it doesn't help.
It can't help.
I see a man walk past me, his footsteps louder than the rest, why? I drag my head up from the floor, and force myself to look at him.
WHY DID I DO THAT?!
No, no, no, no. It's HIM. I stare at his face, his cold and sharp features, pulled down into a frown as he walks. He see's me out of the corner of his eyes, and turns his face towards me, staring. He doesn't see me. He doesn't know who I am.
It was so long ago. I looked so different. I forced myself to have eyes back then. He doesn't see what he did to me.
Did he even see it as wrong?
I can feel myself shattering, the sound of my heart beating becomes too loud as he strides off. I remember him on me. How he strangled me. How he punched me.
How he, hurt me.
How he, how he.
How he...
HOW COULD HE?!
My heart makes a loud crunching noise, like when you smash a glass. All I can hear is static. White noise that means nothing.
My legs give out beneath me, and I kneel on the floor, my shoulders convulsing wildly as tears run down my face, blinding me. My entire body has turned grey.
You don't deserve colour.
The missing puzzle peice in my chest has pressur ecovering it and I can see all my orange scars appearing, ripping the memories further into my brain, forcing me to see them. To see HIM. What he did. How he RUINED me. And he didn't even care.
He walked off scott free, because I was too terrified of this world to even try to call anyone, to tell ANYONE. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak.
Like right now.
I am hyperventilating, my body desperately trying to get in oxygen I don't need, trying to make itself feel better.
You're not okay.
You're not OKAY!
I sit on the floor, sticking my legs to my chest pulling them in as far as possible. I can hear people wondering about me as they walk past, but I don't care. Nothing but shapes.
Worthless shapes that won't even be remembered when they die.
Help...
Help...
Help...
HELP!
The words mix up in my brain, just a syphany of screaming voices, mixing into one screech that dulls my ears, making me regret existing.
Why do I exist? Theres no point.
I knit my fingers firmly into my hair, tugging at the strands. I want to feel it. I want to feel the pain.
WHY CAN'T I FEEL IT?!
I want to feel. Then I'd at least know there was a point to being alive.
There is no point.
Cold. I'm cold. So cold. So scared.

A hand touches my shoulder. I jump a few feet, tempted to punch whatever touched me. But I stop, my shoulders shaking too much to move properly, breathing too heavily to think. I see Stranger in front of me. Does she have tears in her eyes? Why?
Oh.
I upset her that much? I want to talk to her, but I can't even move my lips. All I can do is sit and shake, as I hear her screaming and yelling. Wonder what she's saying. She seems to calm down after she yells a bit, scaring people next to us. She picks me up, her warm hands under my neck and legs. I don't pay attention though, I'm shaking too much.
I need to stop.
She brings me to her car, setting me down gently in my seat. I stare intensely at the dashboard as she sits down. I can hear her speaking, asking me questions. But I can't hear her words.
All I can do is scream.
I scream so loud, I can feel the pressure building in my throat. I scream so loud, I see Stranger jump and stare at me, as I scream and cry. I shake violently as I scream, tearing at my heair with my fingers, wanting to rip it all out.
I want to be rid of it all.
Get rid of it all.
I can't think, I can only scream. I feel Stranger grabmy hands, ripping them from my head as blood pours from my scalp. She looks scared.
I'm sorry.