Maybe Someday, Maybe Not

Epilogue

Epilogue

We're all sucker for somebody. To love us, think of us, care of us.

I remember noong bata pa lang ako, I was trained by my mom to be perfect. To be prim and proper and to always do my best in everything that I do. That I shouldn't settle for less. Hindi puwede yung "puwede na 'to."

I tried my best to be the person they wanted me to be. I never do things without their approval. Because I'm scared I might disappoint them with my actions.

I really tried my best to the point na I was becoming so hard to myself. Everytime I got one or two mistakes in my exam, it's hard for me to forgive myself. Because I know If I told my mom about this, instead of being happy that I got the highest score, she'll be disappointed that I even got a mistake. She will tell me that I should study more. I should focus more.

I know na para sa akin naman lahat ng yun but hindi sila nakukuntento. Lagi silang may nakikitang mali. Lagi silang may nahahanap na pagkukulang.

Bata pa lang ako, I'm always longing for love. I'm longing for love from my parents kaya ginagawa ko ang lahat para mapasaya sila. But at some point, I got tired of pleasing them. Nakakapagod i-please yung mga taong kahit kailan naman ay hindi nakaka-appreciate. Bulag sila sa lahat ng magagadang bagay na nagagawa ko, puro pagkakamali ko lang ang kaya nilang makita.

Kaya naman I started to break their rules. I started deciding to do what I want kasi nakakapagod gawin yung mga bagay na hindi ko naman talaga gusto. Naging pasaway ako at naging sakit sa ulo ng aking mga magulang.

At doon na nagsunod sunod ang pagdating ng mga problema. Matagal na pala ang iba, pero hindi ko lang nakikita. May sakit pala si Daddy at namomroblema si Mommy. Until one night, my mom woke me up to tell na binawian na ng buhay si Daddy. Hindi ko iyon matanggap. Sobra sobra kaming nasaktan ni Mommy sa pagkawala niya. Lalo na ako, dahil parang hindi lang siya ang nawala, pati na rin si Mommy. Mas lalo siyang naging workaholic at madalang ko na rin siyang makasama. Para akong nawalan ng parehong magulang.

That's when I started blaming myself. If only I've been a good daughter, this won't happen. It's all my fault. It's my fucking fault kaya nangyayari lahat ng ito sa amin. I blame myself for everything.

And I never hated anyone as much as I hate myself.

But when I met Red, my whole world changed. My perceptions and views about life changed.

Lagi niyang sinasabi sa akin na it's okay to feel whatever you need to feel. Just promise that I should never blame myself. That it's not my fault that my life is harder than it should be.

Red made my life so much better. And happier. He helped me a lot. And I owe him that, big time.

That's why when I realized I have a thing on him, I got scared. I'm really scared because I might ruined the friendship we built together.

Nagkaayos na kami ng aking Mommy ngayon. Humingi ako ng tawad sa lahat ng kasalanan ko at ganoon din siya. Hindi man maibabalik agad noon yung dating pagsasamahan namin but at least we're trying.

After almost one year, hindi pa rin kami nagkikita ni Red. Nabalitaan ko na umalis siya ng bansa after a month noong maghiwalay muli sila ni Zoe pero hanggang doon lang yun. I don't want to know more the details. Ayoko pang makarinig ng balita sa kanya because I'm trying my best here to move on.

I admit, I really miss how things used to be. I miss Red, so much. But slowly, I'm trying to accept the fact that things have changed now.

Life goes on even when you have a problem. The cruel world doesn't give a fuck. The world doesn't stop for anyone else and it will remain turning no matter what. So to cope up to what's happening, we must learn how to go with the flow. And I'm learning it slowly even when my heart is still bleeding.

I'm not blaming Red for what happened to us. It's my entire fault. But I know deep down in my heart, he really loved me. Naramdaman ko yun. Hindi lang puro sakit ang binigay niya sa akin. Mas marami ang magagandang bagay kaysa sakit. And I'm thankful for that. I'm still thankful for him kasi he's the best thing that ever happened to me.

They say people you love will hurt you. It's impossible to find someone who never hurts you, so go for the one who's worth the pain. Red is worth the pain. He made me believe in love and in life.

Honestly, it's not love that hurts. Expectation hurts. Betrayal hurts. To be left by the person you love, yun ang masakit.

That's why I realized that we should always know our worth. We often forget to love our self, when in fact it's the most important thing we should do first.

I've learned in this life that you don't always get what you want. Kahit ano pang gawin mo, hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon mangyayari ang gusto mo, however you wanted it.

We just have to accept the fact the some people are going to stay in our hearts, even if they don't stay in our lives. I'm really having a hard time but in time, I will be fine. I'm not okay, but it's okay.

Many people were disappointed on how our story turned out. All of them never wanted this, I never wanted this ending either. But I guess this is life. The lessons you've learned is much more important than the ending.

Because love is not something you can just fight for. You can't force things that out of your control. It is not enough that I want it. It is not enough that he wants it. The world has to want it for us, too. Maybe when we meet again and the world will finally permit us, we can happen. Maybe someday, maybe not.