purpose

What happens in after life?

Suicidal .
Plenty of times I have been suicidal. I thought about who would give a shit and I thought about the pain of death. Would it really hurt ? Or would it hurt so bad, so deep that I wouldn't even feel the pain? Obviously it'll hurt. Honestly, that's the only reason I haven't blew my brains out. That shit would hurt! In all seriousness, I thought about it. I almost. I took a handful of my moms prescription pills. Thats the only deadly substance I could acquirer that wouldn't immediately hurt. Im such a fucking coward. Clearly it didn't work. The shit backfired in the worst way.
I threw up for the next two days, which only added to my sorrows. The only pain that comes to me, the only unpleasantness in my life is all cause and created by me. I can not blame another. I shouldn't have let anyone get close to me then maybe I would never have gotten hurt. Maybe if I didn't care about others more then I care for myself. More then they care about me. Would they miss me? Would someone finally recognize that, yes I smile but inside I'm dying . The sadness is like cancer you can't always see it or notice it unless you were actually in my position. Walking in my shoes. Would they look at all I've done in my short life and think damn she was so beautiful, so smart, so kind and optimistic. Will they think God finally she's gone? Some might shed a tear but not because I'm dead. They would cry because the thought of someone so close to home, so young, so involved, being so extremely depressed that she would take her own life. So young. Would that be the reason they cry for "me". I can't die! Well everyone dies no shit. To be clear, I cant kill myself. For a few reasons. One, it would probably kill my mother and "father". That would be the most selfish thing I could ever do. I dont think my mom would every recover from my death. I cant do that to her she needs me around. Two, I want to see my nephew grow up cause god knows I love that little boy. Three, I have to much to live for. After all, my life's purpose is world peace. Human kindness. Thats all it takes. Give me my roses while I'm here still. Four, suicide is for the weak. Of course life fucking sucks but the end result is so indispensable and so .. well i guess no one truthful knows what's really at the end of the "tunnel". We just hope that it's good. The pain is temporary. Even though at times this stupid emotion is so strong that the drugs don't block it out anymore. Sadness strong enough to kill a horse. It isn't the cause of the heart ace that matters. No, that's not what matters. What's important is the reaction to the situation one is dealt. The importance is overcoming. God I want to die so bad and I wish someone else would do it for me. For now I'll just continue to drag myself around this earth In search of my happiness and just hope to God that I don't get my heart broken AGAIN. On the contrary, I want so badly for someone to love me as I love them. Thats never happened to me. Acknowledge that death is easy yet on the other hand life is hard. A Test. Only the strong survive. Kill or be killed. Or kill yourself. That was a joke. But seriously, pain is good it means your human. And caring for someone is not a waist of time or stupid because it is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved. So yea life is a challenge. Challenge accepted!