Zalgo's Daughter (But A Crackhead)

5: I Got Myself a Girlfriend (Filler)

  For my whole life being told by my father that I wasn't allowed to date, it may surprise you, but I'm pretty obedient...

  Until I actually date someone. Which I may add, totally accidental.

  But our first meeting? Quite weird, but that was okay, I'm a Creepypastian, I'm used to all kinds of weird things.

 This is for all you ladies out there.

Imagine being in a public shower, you've just gone swimming in lava, and you're just rinsing off dead skin cells that might've stayed so you won't have them growing into little gremlins so they stick by your bed at night.

That's what you do right?

And now read this. Obviously, you don't want water in your eyes while you're showering, so you close them, you shampoo and scrub blah blah blah. And when you rinse that out, you wipe all the excess water on your face and flick it off, open your eyes, and see a huge patch of moving black hair in front of you.

Oh wait, nope, that's wasn't just moving hair, that was a really hairy eyebrow.

And what's under that eyebrow?

An eye.

A yellow, bloodshot, meter wide bulging eye, that had covered the entire middle parts of the shower stall.

  What would be the first thought to cross your mind?

Obviously, I was no ordinary person since the first thought that crossed MY mind was, "Oh hi, thanks for checking in, I'm still a piece of GARBAGE."

  And then I grinded against the eyeball.

I put as much force as I could muster while being embarrassed about my naked body and I grinded my fist against the huge eyeball, forcing it to look away.

  "STOP LOOKING YOU FUCKING PIECE OF JELL-O IN CONNECTIVE TISSUE!"

  Releasing my fist for a second, I spun, curling up my leg and releasing it, giving a good hard kick to the eye. The eye squeezed shut as I heard a tiny female voice squeaking, "Dude, stop!"

  Remembering what my daddy taught me, I obliged. Cause you should always respect women.

  "I'm sorry was that you, Miss Eyeball?" I asked kindly as I coated my hand with foam to cover up my private parts.

  "Duh, who else [blind bitch]." She muttered, the source of her voice still not spotted.

"You might want to speak a little softer since I still heard that." I offered, standing straight now since my lady parts were well hidden.

  The eye just stared back at me, blinking. "You're hot."

That was uncalled for. I crossed my arms across my chest, "I'm ten and I'm flat." I paused for a second, "But I like girls too so continue."

  Blinking rapidly, her bushy eyebrow twitched as she got back to what the conversation should have been, "Well anyways miss, you're not supposed to be at our public swimming pool."

  I raised an eyebrow, "And why is that?"

  Her eyebrow moved up, "Well, as it clearly says on the sign at the entrance which is now trashed since you broke in," She said matter-of-factly, "The pool closes at 9 pm, 1 am for skinny dippers, but now it's 3 am and you're here."

  "Suddenly I'm Jared and I don't know how to read."

  She sighed, clearly done with my bullshit, "Look Jared, I know you're not deaf, so I'll say it again, please leave the swimming pool as soon as possible or I'll have to use force."

  I raised an eyebrow, "Even when I'm naked?"

 She paused, "Yes, I don't see how that'll affect my abilities either way."

  "Haha, you don't see." I laughed weakly. Leaving us in an awkward silence, with the eyeball looking at me (In disgust? Probably.) as I grew conscious of myself.

  "Ten minutes, and you better be out of this swimming pool by then." She grumbled, starting to sink back into the wall.

(Cue that dramatic music from the popular Korean dramas)

  Lunging forwards, I grabbed the ends of her eyebrows, tugging at the thick long strands. She stopped sinking into the wall,  looking up at my face, blinking up at me. 

  "Wait, please, I'm sorry. Don't leave just yet." I pleaded, brushing my hair out of my face, as the water droplets fell, dripping onto the wet floor. Caressing her giant eyeball, my hands gliding along it softly and gently.

 “You know,” I started, lowering my gaze, “I've been feeling kinda lonely in this shower stall...” I trailed off, letting my hand fall slowly, "Wanna join?"

  You could practically see the lenny face she gave me.

  "Hell yeah."

  And so we started dating afterward.

  And we broke up a few days later because we just couldn't SEE where the relationship was going.

Haha.

  Yeah, I was a terrible girlfriend.