Healing ||mileven||

Anxiety

"So, you're not going to tell us what Troy said?" asked Joyce.

El shook her head whilst keeping her head down, "can you just trust that it was bad?" asked El, quietly.

Hopper and Joyce looked at each other, silently working out what to do. Joyce sighed, resigning herself to not finding out, "ok El, I do trust you, but you can't react like that again just because of what someone says, got it?"

"Yes, Mrs Byers" she replied quietly. Joyce flinched, she hated that El still couldn't call her by her first name, or even better, mom.

"I guess you'd better go to your room, I'll call you for dinner" said Joyce, when they got home. El walked to her room slowly, head down the whole time. She felt awful, knowing that she'd let Joyce down badly, she hadn't meant to lose it. She'd felt in such control recently, her sessions with Peter really helping her progress, but deep down she knew it was just a matter of time before she'd lose control again. Peter had been trying to find an outlet for her, some way to channel all the frustration, the anger, the pain into something constructive, something good, but so far to no avail.

She sat at her desk, angry with herself. Knowing she had to do something in order to not let it escalate she opened her drawer and picked up the journal Peter had given her. He'd asked her to write in it whenever she felt overwhelmed, so far it was the only outlet that had helped, but it's effects were limited and temporary. She started writing, but eventually gave way to tears and scribbling over the same words again and again until she was breaking through the pages. She threw her pen down in frustration and started pacing up and down her room, trying to breathe deeply as she'd been shown. Nothing was working and she started to panic, her hands starting to shake. Running out of her room she headed to the lounge.

"Hey, you're meant to be in your room" said Joyce without turning around.

"J...Joyce...please..."

She turned to find El, her whole body visibly shaking, trying to open the front door. Dropping the dish she was holding she rushed over to her. "Hop!" she shouted, trying to pull El away.

El turned and pushed her off, shaking her head at a shocked Joyce, "n...no". She and Joyce, standing only 3 feet apart, just stared at each other for a few seconds before El turned and tried the door again. It was locked, she was getting frustrated and, forehead leaning against the door, closed her eyes. Concentrating she visualised the lock, the mechanism turning, until there was an audible click.

Just as she opened the door, Hopper came rushing from the back of the house. "El! Where are you going?" he said calmly but firmly. As she half-turned, he could see her shaking.

"I...I just need to go...out".

"Stay...we can talk about it". She shook her head and stepped outside. She was trying so hard to stay in some kind of control and walked slowly, taking deep breaths. She didn't notice the damage she was causing, she was trying so hard to control her body that she was neglecting the most dangerous side of her. As she walked she didn't hear the air crackle around her, the bursts of electricity from the power lines surging, the very world around her started to bend and warp. She couldn't see it, but Hopper could. He ran up and grabbed her from behind, the surprise bursting the build-up of power like a balloon. She wrestled from his grip and gave him a hurtful look, but he grabbed her shoulders firmly again, careful not to hurt her "El! Stop! Just look at me, listen to my voice, it's ok, you're ok". Her face cracked slightly as he got through to her.

"No!" she shouted at him, and she started to hit his chest, tried to push him away, but he wouldn't let her, knowing she needed to get it out somehow. And this is the scene Mike saw as he arrived on his bike, the chief restraining El, her trying to hit him with already damaged fists, and Joyce just stood in shock watching. As he got close he jumped off his bike, just letting it fall wherever, and ran to her. As he did so he could see her start to calm down, seemingly running out of energy she ended up grabbing the chief's shirt and burying her head in his chest.

"El? El, it's me, it's Mike. Are you ok?" She pushed away from Hopper, him letting go of her arms, and immediately went to Mike, letting him hold her tight. He looked at Hopper, silently questioning what happened but all he got was a shaking head and shrugging shoulders.

Mike helped El stand and escorted her back to the house. Hopper stayed in the front yard for a minute and ran his hands through his hair, sighing as he did so. He slowly turned and followed them in.

Mike sat on the couch with El resting her head on his lap. She looked exhausted and, with Mike stroking her hair gently, soon fell asleep. He stood up, careful not to disturb her, and scooped her up in his arms in order to take her to her room. Once he was sure she was comfortable in her bed, he glanced around and found what he was looking for, the journal. He would have felt like he was snooping but Peter had made it very clear to them all that Mike and Joyce would be able to look at it if they ever thought she was in danger.

He took it to the lounge, where Joyce and Hopper were waiting for him. Reluctantly, he opened it to the last entry, he sighed and closed his eyes, shaking his head. He handed it to Joyce who, with Hopper, read it. Inside were 3 words, scribbled over again and again, I'M SORRY and BAD.

"I thought she was ok, she's been doing so well" said Hopper.

"She has...she is" said Joyce, "but that doesn't mean she's cured, she has a long way to go. You don't just get better from this" she explained. Mike sat there in silence, he felt guilty for not seeing the signs that she was struggling. Joyce seemed to read his mind, "it's not your fault, Mike, at some point she'll have to stand on her own two feet and do this by herself, you can't be with her 24/7 no matter how much you want to be".

He nodded slightly, "I'd better be going soon, I have chores at home" he stated. "I'm just going to go say bye to El", with that he stood and walked back to her room, taking her journal with him.

"El?" He concluded that she was still asleep when she didn't answer, and sat on the edge of her bed facing away from her. "I'm so sorry El, I'd give anything to take your pain away, if I could swap places with you I would in a heartbeat" he whispered.

He didn't hear as she sat up. She embraced him from behind, laying her head on his back, "no Mike, it's mine and mine alone, I would never wish it upon anyone...especially you".

He smiled as a tear fell from his eye. Turning he gave her a hug, holding her safe in his arms, and that's how she felt, safe. "Are you ok?" he asked.

"No" she said honestly, "but maybe one day" she added, smiling at him.

"I've got to go now, ok?" she nodded. "I'll see you tomorrow, bye El".

"See you, Mike".

...........................